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Cult Plans Revolutionary Evolution

Written by: Hoffin Bigman Published on: 14 Mar 2000

The cult of “The Children of the Sea” have started to draw up plans for mankind to crawl back into the oceans.

They are to release a pamphlet, containing all the information required to proceed with their version of evolution. It explains the vital steps, which range from holding your breath in the bath, through to deep-sea survival techniques in a fish-eat-man-eat-fish world.

It also lists a number of support groups, one that plans to teach a new martial art, ‘The Way of The Man-Fish’ which focuses on shark wrestling and how to handle one’s self in a squid ambush.

DFTFC asked a representative if they foresaw any problems ahead, he responded by smiling, standing on one foot and flapping his left hand up and down. I was then informed by a translator that the reason for this apparently insane behaviour, is that speech will be useless underwater; necessitating a new language.

Extract from the translation dictionary
Extract from the translation dictionary

The representative explained, “A problem has arisen with the translation dictionary. It has resulted in it being a tome the size of a small family car, due to each word requiring a series of diagrams. The Pocket version containing the absolute minimum of translations, is the size of a large packet of cereal. Plans to reduce the language down to just ten words are currently being investigated”. It took their representative 45 minutes just to tell us all that. On this evidence, we suspect that it won’t be uncommon for a full-blown conversation to last for a good few days.

The President of the United States is reported to be a firm backer of the cult, and was quoted earlier this week as saying “Fish ? - Gotta love it”. DFTFC remains unconvinced however.

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