A mad old satirical news site from the dawn of the Internet archived for posterity

Drink from the
furry cup

All the news without the kumquats


  • ChilliBear
  • Hungry Caterpillar
  • Sean the Irish Bastard
  • Spunk-Monkey
  • Winnie the Poo
  • Hoffin' Bigman
  • Helter-Skelter
  • Niloc
  • Saunders
  • Dai Laffin
  • Digger

Quintessential Quote

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

Pick of the Best

Past Poll

Should baby Zoe the newborn Spawn of Sean have her name spelt with an umlaut or not?

  • Yes, above the 'o'
  • Yes, above the 'e'
  • No
  • What the fuck is an umlaut

New Star Trek series to be launched

Written by: ChilliBear Published on: 10 Sep 2000

For months rumours have been running rife on the Internet over what will be the next spin off from the Star Trek universe. Will it be a fond trip back to the original Enterprise or a look at Starfleet Academy, well the wait is finally over and DFTFC are proud to be the first to let you in on an exclusive look at the pilot episode of…

In this the pilot episode we see a new crew onboard the USS Galilee, a Jehovah class starship and pride of the fleet.

The scene opens with a view of the bridge of the USS Galilee, offering us our first view of the cast to whom we are going to give so much of our TV time to over the coming months.

The bridge and crew of the USS Galilee
The bridge and crew of the USS Galilee

The first pilot episode offers us a deep insight into the crew and in particular Captain J T Christ, a figure who is often seen performing miracles of command throughout the pilot.

The story begins with the crew investigating a planet within the Alpha quadrant that four previous series and nine movies had failed to notice, the planet is inhabited by a peace loving race of innocents who are as yet untouched by the corruption of the outside world. This being the case the crew of the USS Galilee decides to break the Prime Commandment and beam down to the planet. Science Officer Simon Peters and Dr J Iscariot accompany Captain J T Christ. After simply explaining to the planet’s population that they have been transported down from the heavens by a magical energy transfer mechanism and that they roam about the heavens in a chariot without horses the inhabitants mistake our beloved crew for Gods!

Needless to say it only takes our heroes mere minutes to undo the damage they have done to this race, by interacting with it… and so the plot can continue. After some miscellaneous little adventures on the planet (which include Captain J T Christ befriending and making out with an excessively beautiful and innocent (yet voluptuous) blond with a beehive hairdo) disaster strikes! The Romanulans have landed on the far side of the village, obviously their battle cruiser, in orbit of the planet has been overlooked by the USS Galilee.

The Romanulans being bad guys with funny ears and noses also want to destroy Captain Christ and his loyal crew. Capturing Dr Iscariot they offer him twenty pieces of gold pressed latinum, he gives in and betrays Captain Christ and Science Officer Peters. Using the information gained from Iscariot the Romanulans find Captain Christ and after a brief (but reassuring snazzy display of special effects) succeed in killing our Captain! - Shock and dismay and a cue for a break for adverts, after the intermission we return to see our dead captain, Science Officer Peters has escaped at the last moment and is back onboard the USS Galilee. After about five minutes of umm’ing and arr’ing Peters comes up with a plan to bring the Captain back. This plan has “obviously” never been tried before, but is bound to work because we only have tens minutes of show left and this is only a single episode. The crew fire an inverse tachion beam into a spacial anomaly near to the planet which affects the subspace matrix of the planet and the life cell matrix of all living things and in the insert techno babble process brings the Captain back to life! - Easy when you know how!

Finally after a quick space battle with the Romanulan Battle Cruiser to use up the remaining episode budget the episode ends with the Captain and chief crew members all attempting to get into the final closing shot. Cue credits and music, with and closing voice over by the Captain.

This is Captain of the USS Galilee, our 7 season mission is to explore worlds missed by previous Star Trek series, to seek out new and exotically shaped women, to discover strange new races with funny noses and to boldly preach where no one has preached before…

We then see the USS Galilee zoom off into an industry standard lens flare effect. nice

Yeah you guessed it the majority of this site is copyrighted to us, © 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003 all the way up to 2014 so please don't pinch it. Obviously this is all in good humour if you don't think so then you don't have "good humour". This is of course only a sarcastic sceptical FICTITIOUS (yes thats right it's not real! - It's actually made up! - Welcome to the world of satire), view on life the universe and everyone in the public light... hey it's all supposed to be good fun... honest :)