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Scientist Clone Cashew Nut, Nobody Cares

Written by: Hungry Caterpillar Published on: 01 Sep 2000

The world was shocked into complete indifference today when scientist from the university of Edinburgh announced the have they have managed to genetically clone a Cashew nut. The genetically cloned nut is contains exactly the same DNA as the original. The new nut has been named Ulysses by the scientists who developed it, because they mistakenly believe that naming things after obscure literary references make them better than other people.

The original Cashew nut on the left with Ulysses on the right.
The original Cashew nut on the left with Ulysses on the right.

On making this announcement this morning there was a distinct lack of outcry from various pressure groups. We spoke to Jane Swift from the ‘Society Against Weird and Creepy Genetic Meddling’ who gave us this statement: “Well normally whenever something like this happens we organise various protests and the such, were not sure why it’s probably traditional or an old charter or something However the research done here is so pointlesswe frankly cannot be bothered.”

Ulysses is the result of two years of research and an estimated twenty thousand pounds of tax payer’s money has been spent on the project. When compared to the fact that it costs about a pound to buy a whole packet of peanut from any shop, it seems unlikely that anybody is going to be willing to shell out that sort of money purely for the novelty that they look the same.

We sent our award-winning reporter Helter-Skelter (winner of the best daffodils 1992 Caerphilly Flower Show) to interview the scientist who made Ulysses. To which Helter-Skelter replied, “Bollocks to that, they look a right bunch of boring bastards. It’s not as if they did anything that interesting anyway. If they managed to make a cashew nut that could juggle chainsaws whilst dancing the fandango it might be worth reporting. Are we really that desperate for stories that were going to publish this crap? Im off down the pub.”

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