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Teletubbies - Genetic Experiment Gone Wrong

Written by: Hungry Caterpillar Published on: 09 Feb 2000

Drink From The Furry Cup (DFTFC) has received exclusive documents from inside the BBC relating to the secret history of the Teletubbies. Our source from within the BBC, Alfred Packer of the Children’s department, wishes to remain anonymous brought this exclusive tous.

The story starts back in 1984 when a project funded by the British Government to genetically clone a human being. “In the early stages the project was amazingly successful” says Professor John Simmons of the University of East Anglia who was head of the project. “Up until the second week of gestation the cloned foetus were growing perfectly in the artificial womb, this was when we first noticed the initial development of the abdominal cathode ray tube.”

It is now known the mutations that the Teletubbies posses are a common stumbling block in the field of genetic cloning. In Scotland there are flocks of multicoloured sheep with Televisions in their stomach and weird pointy things on their head, that were accidentally made before the first genetically cloned sheep was created.

After four attempts the project to create a genetically cloned human was abandoned as it had become too expensive. The four by products were moved to a farm in Yorkshire. “We were treated like animals” said Goranak the Mighty, who is known on as Tinky Winky on the show. “We were kept in a large pen with only water to drink and only the rats and rabbits that wondered into the pen to eat.”

The four Teletubbies remained there until 1996 when the British Government decided that it was costing too much to keep them as they were. The problem was handed over to the Government’s Ministry of Truth of which the BBC is a subdivision. “It was an amazing plan”, says Darren McDonnell head of BBC’s children’s department. “We needed to keep these creatures from the press whilst getting them to earn enough money to keep themselves. The best place to hide them it seems was in the open. We just paid some actors to pretend that they were playing the part so the press wouldn’t get suspicious. It was obvious that if marketed properly these brightly coloured creatures could easily appeal to children. We simply get them to act silly for half an hour each day, film it and watch all the money roll in from the merchandise and we would have got away with it too if it wasn’t for you meddling kids.”

We spoke on the phone to Laa-Laa who prefers to be known as Molrock the Indestructible. He told us that conditions on set were barbaric. “Along with the camera crew there are ten people with electric cattle prods making sure we follow the directors instructions. After filming we are returned to our cramped cages where we wait for the next days filming to start.”

“We are Human Beings” claimed Molrock the Indetructable “and we deserve to be treated as such. Despite the fact we look different we still have feelings and emotions and all that baby talk we do on the show is so demeaning. We’re not stupid I have an IQ in excess of two hundred.” When I asked Molrock the Indestructible why he did not work out a way to escape if he was so intelligent the phone line went mysteriously dead.

Unfortunately we were unable to reach the other two Teletubbies, Vzrxbclr the Vowel Hater (Dipsy) and Nurglit the Snooker Table (Po) for comment.

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