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Britain poorly represented at the International Suicide Cult Convention

Written by: Hungry Caterpillar Published on: 09 Jan 2001

This week sees the start of the third annual International Suicide Cult Convention in Seattle. The International Suicide Cult Convention is an annual meeting place for religious zealots from around the world to come together to discuss such matters such as “Which is the one true faith?”, “When exactly is the Time of Deliverance going to be?” and “What is the best way to distribute cyanide around a congregation?”.

This year however there has been a lot of talk about the lack of participation from British cults. In previous years a large group has represented Britain called ‘The Celestial and Cosmic Wottsits, unfortunately they all killed themselves last June.

Typical suicide cult members
Typical suicide cult members

Only one small group has attended. Known as ‘The Children of the Second Coming of Sid James’, the cult has been criticised on many occasions for its lack of commitment, as none of them are in fact dead. We asked the leader of the ‘The Children of the Second Coming of Sid James’, Father Umbongo (formerly known as Walter Craddock) why he wasnt dead yet? He told us “We at The Children of the Second Coming of Sid James take a more long term view of suicide. I regularly smoke, drink and eat fatty foods all of which should ensure Ill be dead before Im fifty.”

We spoke to Sir Samuel Fortesque Patrick, Minister of Religion and Dairy Products, and asked him what he intended to do about the situation. “The main problem, as we see it, is children are brought up from a very young age to believe that Suicide Cultists are a bunch of mad freaks. Now this is most clearly terrible discrimination. Children need to be taught that whether or not to join a suicide cultis an important decision everyone must make sometime in their life.”

“For years we’ve been teaching children in school about the bible” he went on. “Now we are going to add sections to the curriculum to teach kids who to deliberately misquote the bible and twist it to prove whatever mad scheme you can come up with.”

“The Americans and Japanese are always very well represented at these events. I think I future we need to be aiming for their level of inbred self destruction.”

For more information on what may drive people to commit suicide click here.

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