A mad old satirical news site from the dawn of the Internet archived for posterity

Drink from the
furry cup

All the news without the kumquats

Editors

  • ChilliBear
  • Hungry Caterpillar
  • Sean the Irish Bastard
  • Spunk-Monkey
  • Winnie the Poo
  • Hoffin' Bigman
  • Helter-Skelter
  • Niloc
  • Saunders
  • Dai Laffin
  • Digger

Quintessential Quote

The force is like Duct Tape - it has a dark side, it has a light side, and it binds the universe together!

Pick of the Best

Past Poll

How many ears does Spunk Monkey have?

  • 1
  • 2
  • 14
  • 9
  • This is the most stupid poll I've seem yet on this site

Britain prepared for Norman Invasion

Written by: Hungry Caterpillar Published on: 30 Mar 2001

The ever-vigilant UK Ministry of Defence has come up with a new plan to prevent a repeat of the 1066 Norman invasion. In was 935 years ago that William the Conquer led the invasion which caused all the battle of Hastings type shenanigans and the knitting of a very large tapestry. In the mean time, despite being part of France now, we can only presume that the Normans have been thinking up all sorts of devious plans to re-invade. Whilst ignoring nine centuries of Anglo-French squabbling this is what we at DFTFC believe anyway and in our ‘Exhaustive Search for the Truth’ DFTFC 2001, we set out to prove our drunken theory.

The ‘Exhaustive Search for the Truth’ DFTFC 2001, started in the pub as usual. After checking numerous pints of larger to see if the answer was at the bottom of the glass we were lucky enough to bump into our first potential source. General Sir Wilberforce Cecil Montgomery Oberloncervich is an official big nob in the Ministry of Defence with traditional Handle bar moustache. After warming him up with several bottles of Scotch he was prepared to reveal just about anything.

It seems the problem of a Norman invasion has been troubling the MoD for some time now and it is only recently with the Foot and Mouth epidemic in this country that the answer has come clear. A series of large catapults are to be constructed along the coast near to Dover. Sheep that are infected with the virus will be catapulted in the direction of Normandy. The sheep will have a small explosive devise attached to them. When the sheep is travelling above Normandy the explosive devise will detonate causing the sheep to be sprayed over the largest area possible. The resulting spread of the Foot and Mouth virus over French farmland will annoy the farmers who will start to blockade everything, just as they always do when anything upsets them. The blockades will bring the area to a standstill making any Norman invasion impossible and our counter invasion all the easier.

sheep being loaded onto a catapult ready for launch...
sheep being loaded onto a catapult ready for launch...

I think you’ll agree that this is a plan which tactical brilliance is matched only by it’s drunken absurdity. It should also be pointed out that the sheep would suffer the minimum of discomfort in the process and would quite possible enjoy the view whilst it is flying through the air.

Before passing out the General also told us of several Ministers who enjoy wearing women’s underwear. We will be bringing these names to you shortly if any of the blackmail cheques don’t arrive

Yeah you guessed it the majority of this site is copyrighted to us, © 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003 all the way up to 2014 so please don't pinch it. Obviously this is all in good humour if you don't think so then you don't have "good humour". This is of course only a sarcastic sceptical FICTITIOUS (yes thats right it's not real! - It's actually made up! - Welcome to the world of satire), view on life the universe and everyone in the public light... hey it's all supposed to be good fun... honest :)