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New Pop Sensations Unveiled

Written by: Sean the Irish Bastard Published on: 28 Sep 2001

Record producer Pete Waterman today introduced the newest pop group hoping to capture the hearts and pocket money of the nations hollow-headed youngsters.

According to Waterman, the idea behind the new act is a new spin on a tested formula:

“These boy and girl bands brought to fame over the last ten years or so have owed much of their success to the fact that image-wise, they tend to have multiple focal points. The days of real bands with proper musicians and a single charismatic frontman are well and truly over. Musical talent counts for nothing - the only proper bands whichsurvive tend to feature freak guitar players with silly names.”

So what is so revolutionary about this new act you may ask, we asked Waterman to elaborate:

“It was blindingly obvious that the success of Take That was that all the young girls had four different blokes to fancy - or five if you counted the ugly bastard that you could actually hear, whatever his name was.”

“The Spice Girls, scrubbers though they are, did the same for 12 year old boys, gay men and professional footballers. Then the men behind Sclub7 had the brilliant idea of getting girls and boys into the same group in an effort to double the potential fan base.”

Of course, 4 girls and 3 guys together have not generated double the RPS (revenue per single) of either of the aforementioned [groups]. They have done reasonably well - as the plummeting sales of substitute goods such as gobstoppers or the Beano have shown - but our marketing executives discovered that there were plenty of kids around who didn’t have an irrational crush on any of the pretty faces in Sclub7. Not even that lovely dark boy.

“And so we at PWL have taken the idea to the ultimate level: SCrub69 features thirty-four great looking guys and thirty-two girls, all aged between 16 and 73; the thinking being that there is someone there for everybody to fancy. Ergo - our entire target audience will become fans of the [group]. Oh yes, not wanting to alienate any weirdo minorities theres also a hermaphrodite, a dog and a donkey. And two members, Paul Renner and Melody Harris are both recently deceased, so necrophiliacs are catered for too.”

Some members of Sclub69 pose for a publicity shot
Some members of Sclub69 pose for a publicity shot

“Obviously given the three-and-a-half-minute song nature of the bubblegum pop industry, it has been difficult to feature each member of the [group] individually, but they all get to sing at least a quarter of a line each (a minimum of two words). The BBC promo version of LouReeds Perfect Day showed it could be done, we are just taking it one step further.”

Although the group have only recorded two songs together, the forthcoming single,

Sure and Pimple and a cover of the Suzi Quatro classic Can the Can, there have already been accusations that all the vocals were provided by a faceless bunch of bald ponytailed middle aged men from Staffordshire.

A video showing the vocals supposedly being laid down by the group in numerous studio sessions was shown to the press, and certainly appeared to show obvious miming to a backing track. Somewhat surprisingly, Paul and Melody’s miming skills were not as bad as some of the other members, and Bingo the dog was surely not really singing the first half of the line “I’ll be there for you darling” as was implied by the footage.

Pete Waterman says “all these allegations are totally and utterly [not true]. The music speaks for itself and were confident that SCrub69 will become the next big thing.”

The press were then introduced to Dean, Jenny, Mark, Olly, Wayne, Kim, Elly, Andreas, Rob, Kelly, Nige, Shelley, Dave, Kate, Bryan, Olivia, Mikey, Eddie, Lizzie, Tasmin, Terri, Ashley, Gail, Gerry, Debbie, Sarah, Dougie, Francesca, Phil, Melody, Bill, Rhiannon, Phoebe, Bobby, Garry, Claire, Dez, Marco, Erica, Nick, Sara, Darius, Emma, Helena, Riccardo, Rory, Margot, Annie, Karen, Doris, Glen, Kayleigh, Sean, Raymond, Helen, Lisa, Allan, Steve, Sally, Paul, Lily, Andy, Mark, Bingo, Tony, Maggie, Rick, Lesley and Hamill the donkey, who mimed (obviously) to a live backing track of their single before a rather predictable round of questions which we have just read about in the early editions.

It turns out that aside from a quick game of spot the corpse the Q&A was fairly routine stuff, and frankly not worth documenting here. Apparently Lily and Nick were wrongly identified as the dead members by the man from ‘the Sun’ who was shocked when they managed to answer his question “does imminent fame affect your attitude to being dead?” As for the dead pair themselves, they had nothing to say on the matter. So said the tabloids anyway. Obviously we had left during the song ‘performance’, as it was utterly atrocious. DFTFC predict they will be a bit hit with the youngsters of Britain and indeed the world.

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