A mad old satirical news site from the dawn of the Internet archived for posterity

Drink from the
furry cup

All the news without the kumquats


  • ChilliBear
  • Hungry Caterpillar
  • Sean the Irish Bastard
  • Spunk-Monkey
  • Winnie the Poo
  • Hoffin' Bigman
  • Helter-Skelter
  • Niloc
  • Saunders
  • Dai Laffin
  • Digger

Quintessential Quote

We didn't send you to Washington to make intelligent decisions. We sent you to represent us.

Pick of the Best

Past Poll

How many ears does Spunk Monkey have?

  • 1
  • 2
  • 14
  • 9
  • This is the most stupid poll I've seem yet on this site

American Election Over?

Written by: ChilliBear Published on: 28 Nov 2000

Well even with the latest news that Bush has decided that he has won (on 537 votes for those of you curious) the election fiasco is not over with the UK of all countries becoming involved in the debate over the next presidency.

The UK Queen today announced that “she has had enough of this bungling politics”. The Queens statement was later revealed to be the forerunner of a startling statement from the UK to America.

“The UK feels that if the United States of America can not resolve this farce of an election to the satisfaction of the UK Government and Ruling Family then the UK will officially ignore it’s acknowledgement of the USA’s declaration of Independence, which were not quite sure when we acknowledged anyway.”

Shocking stuff hey. Well after quite a few years of Independence from British control they seem finally about to come back into the fold. What potential impact will this have on American citizens apart from finally enforcing the correct spellings of such popular words as; centre and colour, well that’s what DFTFC are here to tell you!

After speaking with several of our contacts deep within Buckingham palace we managed to get Spunk monkey into the palace disguised as one of the Queen’s Corgis. More worrying than the secrets he discovered seems to be his desire to now permanently wear the Corgis costume… But onto the juicy facts.

Spunk Monkey (disguised) talking with the Queen
Spunk Monkey (disguised) talking with the Queen

The Queen has apparently ordered the Royal Navy deployed in strategic positions both in the Atlantic and Pacific oceans, in order to secure trade routes into and out of America. They have orders to attack and sink any vessel trying to leave New Britain. We can only assume that New Britain is going to be what the UK is to rename America, this follows in our original inventive names for new American (and Australian, likewise) cities. Such novel names as “New York”, “Richmond”, “St. Paul” come to mind.

A more surprising decision seems to be the abandoning of the US dollar in favour of UK pounds, which obviously are vastly better, after all the pictures on the notes are more colourful. nice

Quite what sort of impact this will have on world economics will have to remain to be seen. However it has been revealed that the UK intends to send some of it’s top politicians over the pond to sort out the economic issues, rumours have it that UK Prime Minister, Tony Blair will use this opportunity to ‘rid himself’ of some ofhis more troublesome politicians…

Finally the most interesting piece of information gathered by Spunk Monkey seems to be that the Queen’s plans do not stop with America… That’s right this taste of the old Empire could see the Queen requiring much of the old Empire, well all the bits that we didn’t completely bleed dry and destroy last time at least. :)

One feels its about time one had her Empire back after all one thinks that America might have some spare cash.

DFTFC as ever will remain alert (apart from on Wednesday evening…and Friday when we will be out drinking, maybe Thursday to…) and brink you up to the minute reports on the UK - USA situation.

Yeah you guessed it the majority of this site is copyrighted to us, © 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003 all the way up to 2014 so please don't pinch it. Obviously this is all in good humour if you don't think so then you don't have "good humour". This is of course only a sarcastic sceptical FICTITIOUS (yes thats right it's not real! - It's actually made up! - Welcome to the world of satire), view on life the universe and everyone in the public light... hey it's all supposed to be good fun... honest :)