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Animal Protests Flare Up Again

Written by: Helter-Skelter Published on: 14 Jun 2000

Today in the farming community there is yet again a standstill in animal farming due to protests over artificial meats. The protests around the country seem to stem primarily from the cows. The original protest in January of this year started out in farms in Hereford, Worcestershire and Gloucestershire, but now the fourth and most recent protest appears to cover the entire country from Kent to ‘bonnie’ Scotland.

Hereford cow refuses questioning
Hereford cow refuses questioning

The cows of West’s Farm in Hereford seem to be in control of the operation to halt the meat and dairy production. None of the cows would offer us any words on the matter however they released this statement earlier this morning.

“We, the cows of West’s Farm, Hereford, feel we represent the nation on the issue of synthetic meat being produced. If people want to eat meat then they should not have to put up with this false rubbish. We realise that the EU has given us a bit of bad press over this madness thing but we believe we are now safe to eat. Our lives are at risk here, if we were not farmed for our flesh then we may die out, even become extinct. We can’t even see why people eat this stuff, I mean we’ve had the odd ‘off-cut’ from one-another and frankly we’re delicious and this ‘imitation beef’ stuff is just tasteless.

“We are not here to avoid being culled, the opposite in fact. But we believe that if our cows stop allowing themselves to be milked then man will see how much they need us, we are taking this protest to the people any way we can. Beef is good. EAT MEAT!

Cows create roadblock
Cows create roadblock

Across the country cows have subsequently been told to cross their udders, block roads and make the public now about their feelings on the issue.

Cows taunt DFTFC photographer
Cows taunt DFTFC photographer

This time other animals have jumped on the bandwagon. Sheep say they are refusing to be cloned, as they believe is ruins their individuality. Sheep really aren’t very bright. The chicken’s protest didn’t get off the ground due to communication difficulties. Elsewhere in the world the snake community of Japan has stormed the streets of Tokyo and a rough group of snails had a rather unsuccessful sit-in under the Arc-de-Triumph. A school of tuna blocked ships in the Mediterranean protesting over ‘dolphin friendly’ tined tuna, saying that at least they didn’t make dumb squeaky noises. The fishermen’s comment was that it was “a good catch”.

The general feeling is that there is very little for the cows to worry about. We’ll just have to wait and see what difference, if any, this protest can make.

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