A mad old satirical news site from the dawn of the Internet archived for posterity

Drink from the
furry cup

All the news without the kumquats


  • ChilliBear
  • Hungry Caterpillar
  • Sean the Irish Bastard
  • Spunk-Monkey
  • Winnie the Poo
  • Hoffin' Bigman
  • Helter-Skelter
  • Niloc
  • Saunders
  • Dai Laffin
  • Digger

Quintessential Quote

We didn't send you to Washington to make intelligent decisions. We sent you to represent us.

Pick of the Best

Past Poll

Should baby Zoe the newborn Spawn of Sean have her name spelt with an umlaut or not?

  • Yes, above the 'o'
  • Yes, above the 'e'
  • No
  • What the fuck is an umlaut

Jesus Apologises for Missing Second Coming

Written by: Hungry Caterpillar Published on: 24 Feb 2000

Jesus Christ officially apologised this morning for failing to turn up for his second coming on New Years Eve this year.

“I can only offer my most sincere apologies” said the son of God, who had been intending to come down from heaven at midnight on New Years Eve. If he had arrived at the correct time he would have lead the righteous to Heaven leaving the Earth to face the final battle between Good and Evil.

“I felt so silly”, continued Christ “ the whole thing had been part of the ineffable plan for several millennia”. “I had been meaning to descend from the skies at the stroke of midnight, but I simply lost track of time and by the time I realised it was too late”.

It has been revealed that the reason Christ inability to keep track of time was due to the Sega Dreamcast he received for Christmas. A Heaven insider told us “ He spent so much time playing Sonic Adventures that he didn’t realise that New Years had come and gone”.

A similar thing happened in the year 1000, the last time Christ was meant to make an appearance. At the time he claimed that internal disputes among the Angels had held him up causing him to be running behind schedule by about two hours. The decision was made to postpone Armageddon for another 1000 years rather than look unprofessional by running events behind time.

“The whole thing has gone beyond a joke”, Satan told DFTFC in an exclusive interview. “How am I supposed to have my time on Earth if these fools keep on postponing Armageddon. I think heads should defiantly roll somewhere in Heavens management structure for this fiasco. This has put allot of people in very awkward positions, the fourHorsemen of the Apocalypse are very upset”.

“The whole thing is so embarrassing”, said Jesus. “But I can ensure believers that I shall defiantly be on time come the year 3000”.

Well will Jesus finally return in the year 3000. We at DFTFC will be there to let you know what happens. Well obviously WE wont be there but our great-great-great-etc-grand children will be.

Yeah you guessed it the majority of this site is copyrighted to us, © 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003 all the way up to 2014 so please don't pinch it. Obviously this is all in good humour if you don't think so then you don't have "good humour". This is of course only a sarcastic sceptical FICTITIOUS (yes thats right it's not real! - It's actually made up! - Welcome to the world of satire), view on life the universe and everyone in the public light... hey it's all supposed to be good fun... honest :)