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Blockade Fever Sweeps Britain

Written by: Hungry Caterpillar Published on: 07 Sep 2000

Last week French fishermen blockaded French ports and the Euro tunnel in their protests over something or another. Well after pissing off a load of people they eventually got what they wanted. Now it seems that the British have whole-heartedly adopted this method of protest with the traditional motto of ‘anything that the French we can do ten times better’.

Waves of Blockade protests have been springing up across the country. It started early yesterday morning when motorists started blockading petrol stations in protest of rising fuel prices. Parents blockading schools in protest of falling education standards followed this. By the end of the day there were about ten different groups blockading various different things ranging from pensioners blockading post offices in protest of the amount paid as a state pension to a group of conservationists in Cambridge blockading a pond in protest that there aren’t as many ducks in the pond as there used to be. There was even a man in Manchester blockading a wasps nest to protest that one of the wasps had stung him for no reason. Unfortunately his efforts to prevent wasps entering or exiting the nest only resulted in him getting stung another twenty times.

The army decide to have a go at blockading
The army decide to have a go at blockading

By lunch time today the country was in chaos with just about everyone blockading something.

We tried to talk to a member of the government over what they planned to do about the blockades. Unfortunately we couldn’t get anywhere near parliament due to the number of people blockading it for about fifty different reasons. However when we eventually found a phone box that wasn’t being blockaded by people protesting over the price of phone calls from public phone boxes, we managed to speak to Charles Kennedy MP.

“The whole country is falling apart”, Mr Kennedy told us. “There are currently people blockading entrances to the M25 protesting that we build to many roads. At the same time other people are blockading entrances to the M25 protesting that were not building enough roads. We just don’t know what to do. I’m off now to blockade my local newsagents because it ran out of copies of the Daily Mail before lunch time.”

We managed to speak to one of the blockaders a Mr James Eagle and ask him why he was doing it. “Well I was in a group going out to blockade the local swimming pool, to protest the fact that they put to much Chlorine in the pool. O our way we encountered a group blockading blockaders in protest of the amount of blockades going on. So now were blockading blockade blockers to protest them blockading blockades. We are worried however as it seems another group is about to turn up to blockade our blockade of the blockade blockers to protest that people should have the right to blockade blockades if the blockade requires blockading.”

So what will be the end result of all this? Well we at DFTFC can only see two ways this will end. Either the countries infrastructure will collapse due to the fact nobody is doing any work or everyone will get board and go home. There are even a group of scientists blockading the entrance to the DFTFC office to protest us taking the piss out of their cashew nut. The situation is now getting somewhat desperate if we cannot get out soon we may run out of doughnuts.

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