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Carlos Santana is the AntiChrist

Written by: Sean the Irish Bastard Published on: 25 Feb 2000

This is the shocking conclusion of an investigation commissioned last week by the truth seekers of DFTFC (obviously thisdoes not include Hoffin Bigman).

On February 19th, we contacted our American consultant, Dougie B, following an anonymous phone tip-off from a hysterical man with a Canadian accent. Our flappy-headed informant claimed to had just escaped from a sacrificial ceremony being held in the grounds of the St. Louis mansion of Carlos Santana‡, 53. The distraught man claimed he was to have been the main sacrifice, and that there were 12 “apostles” present in black robes alongside Santana himself, who was also decked out in bloodstained feathers and a goat’s skull. The line then went dead.

Dougie B sent us a fax this morning, detailing his discoveries after 5 days of tailing the popular musician. A summary ofboth Dougie’s fax and some of our own research follows below.

CARLOS S nANTANA - It’s a giveaway, really. Take out the first ‘N’ and the last ‘A’ and you get SATAN. It does ‘t end there, as the only

other well known person called Carlos is one “Carlos the Jackal”, and in The Omen, the AntiChrist Damien’s birth mother was a Jackal. Coincidence? Perhaps, but read on…

Total number of letters in Carlos Santana: 13 (same for Charles Manson, Jason Voorhees, Harold Shipman, Freddy Krueger…) - the significance of this number is well documented elsewhere, while on February 13th, Santana himself was honoured at a ceremony connected with the Grammy nominations….

  • Number of Grammys won by Santana and his band (called ‘Supernatural’ !!!) this week was 9. Turn that number upside-down, and there’s your first six.
  • 18 months ago, only a lunatic would bet on Santana ever winning another Grammy, let alone 9 at once. The second 6 is more subtly hidden. It turns out to be a bit of a puzzle: 6 #2. That is 6x2. And the ‘Supernatural’ single “Smooth” was number 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 for 12 consecutive weeks.
  • Finally, and most conclusively, In this week’s Hot 100 the single ‘Maria Maria’ is at number…6.

When Dougie B tailed Santana’s car after the Grammy award ceremony, he claims it “disappeared after turning a corner into a long, deserted street”. He said that there were no side roads or garages the car could have turned into in the time before Dougie’s cab took the corner. He says “all there was in the street was a small pack of stray dogs running away from us…” Dougie had witnessed Santana getting into the back of the car with band members Chester D. Thompson and Karl Perazzo. Further research revealed more startling”coincidences”:

Firstly, Genesis, former band of Phil Collins (himself formerly under suspicion of being the AntiChrist - bizarrely, he too won a Grammy this week for the Tarzan soundtrack) employed another Chester Thompson to play with them on tour. The ‘Supernatural’ Chester Thompson has a ‘D’ in his name (Devil? Damien? Donald?), obviously to prevent confusion with the man associated with such a biblical-sounding band. STOP PRESS: Dougie just contacted us again to let us know that the other Chester Thompson also once played in Santana’s band (in 1984). Well spooky…

Secondly, ‘Perazzo’ turns out to be Serbo-Croat for ‘Fire of Hell’.

The Bible bangs on about the AntiChrist’s exponential rise in power leading to Armageddon, and the meteoric rise of Santana over the last year or so is undeniable. With the 666 quorum in place, Judgement day could be a matter of hours away. Still, you’ve got to laugh, haven’t you?

‡ For those of you who are just dumb, Carlos is part of a rock band, that is when he isn’t working as the Prince of Evil :)

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