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Crime Rate Reaches Record High in the City of Dis

Written by: Hungry Caterpillar Published on: 10 Apr 2000

Crime figures released today showed that crime in the City of Dis has reached an all time high. Dis, located within the Lower levels of Hell (not to be confused with the similarly named Diss in Suffolk) has always been a haven for crime and depravity, but recently it has escalated to previously undreamed levels.

We spoke to Mr James Henry Moore (1356-1385): “The situation is abysmal down here. I mean one expects the eternal torture and punishment for the sins one committed in life, but it’s got to the point where you turn your back for two minutes and someone will steal all your stuff”.

The announcement was made by the demon Versarvaal who is in charge of maintaining law and order within Dis. Well, not really maintaining law and order but just making sure that there is the proper lack of it. “These crime figures came as a complete surprise to us” commented Versarvaal. “Although I would like to point out that once again nobody got murdered in Dis in the last year” …which of course could be linked to the fact that the entire population is already dead.

Versarvaal is currently also working as an extra on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Versarvaal is currently also working as an extra on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

The dark lord has promised a new harder line against new offenders. “Punishment of minor crimes has always been a problem in Dis” Versarval told us. “A couple of years in prison is an extremely minor punishment compared to the eternity of torture and agony that they’re already suffering. The new punishment will involve sending them to the wood of suicides. A couple of weeks around those miserable bastards should sort them out.”

Erin (1765BC - 1743BC), a long time resident of Dis told us of his memories of the old days. “A couple of thousand years ago Dis was a really nice city. Well, relatively speaking. Lately it has been going even further downhill than it was already. It’s also getting really crowded; it’s as if nobody ever moves out. I blame that Dante. It all really started going wrong after he wandered through here.”

Dis in the good old days
Dis in the good old days

We spoke to Robert Polsen (1952 -1999) a recent arrival at the city who is one of the sinners who have been accused of the recent crimes. “Well it’s something to do, isn’t it? Hell is really boring in the evenings and you need to find some way to entertain yourself.”

Satan was unavailable for comment although he did announce in a statement that he was very disappointed by the figures and was looking into a process of urban renewal that might calm things down. He also took the time to plug his son’s Greatest Hits CD.

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