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Details of new Conservative financial policy revealed.

Written by: Hungry Caterpillar Published on: 07 Oct 2000

In the recent Conservative Party conference a lot of fuss was made about the Tories pledge to lower taxes and raise public spending if they came to power. Many commentators have suggested that this plan would leave a ten billion budget deficit and have queried where this money would come from. A DFTFC source working deep within the BBC has managed to leak a secret report to us. The spy, whose identity we must keep secret but will be know by the pseudonym BiliChear, told us that the Tories plan were actually very simple. They plan to rewrite the fundamentals of mathematics.

William Hague: Was frequently beaten up at school.
William Hague: Was frequently beaten up at school.

Under the new system one plus one will now equal three. Two plus two will equal five and so on. This will ensure that every pound paid in tax will go further.

There will also be no way in differentiating between positive and negative values. Research carried out by the Conservative has found that the public’s view of negative numbers is very unenthusiastic, so they will be abolished to promote a more enthusiastic view of the economy.

Finally any number over one hundred will now be referred to as ‘Lots’. This will prevent the general public from having to worry about the trivial details of financial policies. So for example from now on fuel tax will just be set at ‘Lots’, the national debt is ‘Lots’ and the Queen Mother is ‘Lots’ of years old.

An example of the new system might be that in one month unemployment may change from ‘Lots’ to ‘Lots’ in an undeterminable direction by the value of ‘Lots’.

We asked Conservative Party leader William Hague if he felt that this new system might lead to an air of confusion over the countries economics? Mr Hague replied “Well we certainly hope so”

DFTFC asked Gordon Brown the minister of something or another what he thought of the Tories plan. “Shit, I wish we thought of that first” was his simple and eloquent answer.

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