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Dinosaur in Garden Genocide

Written by: Spunk-Monkey Published on: 11 Mar 2000

It was a quiet morning in Kensington Gardens, London; the Sun was rising in the clear sky, bird-song filled the air, and ducks “quacked”. Surely nothing could violate this serene landscape…


For this is not yet another location for the Di Caprio eco-disaster movie, “The Beach”, but is in fact home to the worst Dinosaur atrocity since their extinction eons ago.

A panorama from Kensington Gardens
A panorama from Kensington Gardens

A Park Attendant has revealed exclusively to DFTFC what he saw on that fated morning. “Me and my colleague was cleanin’ the chewing gum off from underneath a bench”, “when we ‘eard this massive roar”. Nothing could have prepared the Park Attendants for what happened next….. “We both ran over to where the noise seemed to be coming from, and we saw a big…..Pink…..Dinosaur”. The Attendant continued, “We get a few strange types around this place early in the morning, you know, had a bit too much to drink and the likes. So, me and Bob went up to this Pink thing and told it to shift it out of our Park. It walked toward us mumbling that it ‘loved us’, and then suddenly grappled Bob and bit his ‘ead off so I bloody did the right thing and f☣☣king legged it”. The Attendant went to the nearest Police Station and reported the incident; unfortunately he is now being held under the suspicion of Murder.

A spokesperson from the Metropolitan Police gave the following statement: “We were alerted to this crime at 7:00 this morning. Officers were quickly at the scene, and found the mutilated remains of a male corpse, along with that of approximately 50 ducks. The defendant has repeatedly cited an absurd alibi, regarding a Dinosaur, a PINK Dinosaur no less. But the public should not be alarmed, we have the

real culprit safely under lock and key.

DFTFC can understand the Police’s reluctance to believe this story, but we believe that a miscarriage of justice is taking place, and that the real offender is still at large. We believe that there is only one explanation for this situation, which until now has been left untouched.

DFTFC contacted the Natural History Museum, where we spoke to an eminent reader in Palaeontology, Prof. Harrison. He told us that there has been only one occurrence of a talking Pink Dinosaur ever……Barney!.

We contacted Barney’s agent for a comment. He seemed unsurprised of the revelations. “Sounds like a normal Friday night for Barney, you’re lucky he didn’t use your toilets”. “He needs to unwind some days, he hates being surrounded by all those annoying brats, but hey, it pays the bills!”.

It emerges that Barney is no stranger to controversy. Only recently, he was dropped from the leading role in Jurassic Park. The producer, Steven Spielberg cited Barney’s garish dress-sense, and his mis-interpretation of the Tyrannosaurus Rex’s role. Barney, shown below in rehearsals, clearly does not instil terror into the viewer. After his big-screen failure, Barney branched out into hard-core pornography, co-starring with Sooty in his debut movie.

Jurassic Park - Camp it up Barney!
Jurassic Park - Camp it up Barney!

Barney has abused his stardom for the last time, DFTFC has commissioned Sir. Peter Ustinov (of ‘One of our Dinosaurs is Missing’ fame) to try and catch the prehistoric perpetrator. Justice will prevail, and hopefully Barney will be off our screens forever…HOORAH.

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