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Luxembourg Declares War on Everybody

Written by: Hungry Caterpillar Published on: 27 Feb 2000

The world is in shock tonight after Luxembourg officially declared war on every other nation on the planet.

Luxembourg is known to be a small county somewhere in Europe but nobody is entirely sure where it is.

The declaration was first made by Luxembourg ambassador to the UN, Mr H. E. Wuth. It was during a debate on world-wide distribution of cornflakes that the Mr Wuth made his announcement. He stood up and declared to all the other ambassadors, “Your all a bunch of f☣☣king wankers. We could beat the shit out of the lot of you sad pathetic losers. Come and have a go you small dicked wossess”. He then went on to imply that everyone else’s conception had involved their mothers having intermit relations with a goat. The announcement is suspected to be related to the three bottles of whisky Mr Wuth had drunk before the meeting.

The Luxembourg president Mr Spautz announced “We have always stood behind Mr Wuths decisions in this past, so we will also be standing behind this one”. We also asked Mr Spautz about what tactics he was going to use. “Well were going to start off by invading France, because everyone knows there easy. Then we hope to conquer the rest of Europe by the end of the week, Asia and Africa over the weekend and then the Americas the following week. With a bit of luck we should have complete world domination in less than two weeks.

In another DFTFC exclusive we managed to get this picture of the Luxembourg armies latest military gear.

Many political commentators have pointed out that Luxembourg’s chances are fairly slim. This can be summed up by the fact that Luxembourg has a population of 200,000 compared to a world-wide population of six billion. This means that every man, woman and child in Luxembourg is outnumbered three million to one.

“We plan to counter this numbers difference”, Said President Spautz “by taking the world in one surprise attack”. We enquired why then had he just explained his plan to us, in reply to which he pointed out that nobody actually looks at this page. Fair enough I suppose.

We enquired with the British Prime Minister Tony Blair as to what he intended to do about this problem, “We don’t intend to do anything”, replied Mr Blair. “Everyone knows the Mr Spautz is a bit of a Boris Yeltzin. I suspect that hell have forgotten all about this world domination nonsense in the morning. It happens to the best of us in this job, there have been many evenings when I have had a few drinks and very nearly invaded France.”

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