A mad old satirical news site from the dawn of the Internet archived for posterity

Drink from the
furry cup

All the news without the kumquats


  • ChilliBear
  • Hungry Caterpillar
  • Sean the Irish Bastard
  • Spunk-Monkey
  • Winnie the Poo
  • Hoffin' Bigman
  • Helter-Skelter
  • Niloc
  • Saunders
  • Dai Laffin
  • Digger

Quintessential Quote

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

Pick of the Best

Past Poll

How many ears does Spunk Monkey have?

  • 1
  • 2
  • 14
  • 9
  • This is the most stupid poll I've seem yet on this site

Luxembourg vs Everyone War Update

Written by: Hungry Caterpillar Published on: 05 Mar 2000

As DFTFC reported exclusively last week, in a surprise move Luxembourg declared war on every other nation on the planet. As every other reputable news gathering organisation and the Guardian seems to have ignored this story we thought wed bring you an update.

The Luxembourg conquest started on Monday with the invasion of France and thats about as far as it has got. The army was seen off by an irate farmer wielding a pitch fork and shouting because his crops were getting trampled.

So far the Luxembourg army has managed to capture 0.1 square meters of French territory by using the tactic of moving fence posts at night.

We spoke to the Luxembourg President Mr Spautz.

DFTFC: President Spautz when we spoke to you last week you told us that within a week you hoped to have conquered Europe. Now unless you invaded while I was down the pub and I didn’t notice, we don’t all seem to be living under the glorious rule of Luxembourg.

President Spautz: Well obviously there has been a slight change in plan due to a slight over optimism about time scales. However we do have a revised plan and based on the current land gained and at a rate of 0.1 square meters a week we hope to have complete global domination within the next ten thousand years.

DFTFC: Don’t you think that the fact that your whole army only managed to capture such a tiny piece of land is a little disappointing?

PS: It should be noted that as well as the land we also captured two rabbits and a sparrow who are currently being held as prisoners of war. Well except for one of the rabbits, which I had for my dinner last night.

DFTFC: What exactly do you plan to do once you are the ruler of the world?

PS: Well we predict that mankind will have colonised other worlds by then, and we shall of course set our sites on them. We are currently working on the plans for the invasion of Alpha-Centauri.

DFTFC: What is the reaction to the response of general apathy from other governments over your declaration of war?

PS: Well their complacency will lead to the eventual downfall. I have been in talks all week with the French President about the conditions of his surrender.

DFTFC: Have you actually met with him?

PS: Well no but Ive left several messages on his answering machine and Im sure hell get back to me soon.

So it seems the world has a little while to wait before the Luxembourg assault becomes a serious threat. We will of course keep you up to date should anything else develop or if we run out of interesting news to report..”

read the next part of this story…

Yeah you guessed it the majority of this site is copyrighted to us, © 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003 all the way up to 2014 so please don't pinch it. Obviously this is all in good humour if you don't think so then you don't have "good humour". This is of course only a sarcastic sceptical FICTITIOUS (yes thats right it's not real! - It's actually made up! - Welcome to the world of satire), view on life the universe and everyone in the public light... hey it's all supposed to be good fun... honest :)