A mad old satirical news site from the dawn of the Internet archived for posterity

Drink from the
furry cup

All the news without the kumquats


  • ChilliBear
  • Hungry Caterpillar
  • Sean the Irish Bastard
  • Spunk-Monkey
  • Winnie the Poo
  • Hoffin' Bigman
  • Helter-Skelter
  • Niloc
  • Saunders
  • Dai Laffin
  • Digger

Quintessential Quote

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

Pick of the Best

Past Poll

So who do you think won the war?

  • Bush
  • Saddam

Luxembourgs Plan B Revealed

Written by: Hungry Caterpillar Published on: 16 Mar 2000

With the BBCs continued media blackout of the Luxembourg vs Everybody War, it is once again up to DFTFC, your Guardian of Truth and Justice, to report the latest on this terrible war.

Continued failure to capture anything, and with the rest of the World completely ignoring them, it is evident that moral in Luxembourg’s Army is pretty low.

We spoke to Mr Spautz, in one of our now regular meetings, to ask him about this. “Well its needless to say that things aren’t going entirely to plan” he told us. “Even the ten thousand year estimate for world domination seems a little optimistic now. This is why we have withdrawn all our troops from the front line, and put into action Plan B”. We tried to push Mr Spautz about the exact nature of this mysterious Plan B, but he refused to let us in on the secret. He only revealed that it involved utilising some of the latest technologies.

Fortunately for us, Luxembourg’s only scientist Dr Hans Nyder, proved very easy to bribe. With the promise of introducing him to some single women in the future, he happily agreed to spill the beans.

It turns out that the entire Luxembourg Army is to be sent to a secret destination (at 374b Rue de Redmon) to undergo a series of Genetic Enhancements. These Enhancements will include increasing their brain size, improving their nervous systems, increasing their co-ordination, and removing a few extraneous limbs.

Dr Nyder explained to us the plans which will follow the mutations. “The enhanced soldiers, which we have decided to call Gruobmexuls, will be put into special full body armour suits; which will further enhance their strength, and make them one of the most formidable fighting forces on the planet”.

“We’ve decided to equip these suits of armour with all the latest technology. It will have an incredibly powerful laser, a weapon far more advanced than anything else currently used. A telescopic visual unit, will allow the Gruobmexuls to have better than perfect vision under all conditions. Finally they will also have a sink plunger, just in case.”

We asked Dr Nyder if he was having any problems with the Gruobmexuls. “Well there are a few teething problems, as with any project of this size. There is a slight design flaw, where we forgot to put any legs on the suit, so unless the Gruobmexul is travelling over perfectly smooth terrain, it tends to fall over or get stuck. Also, if you throw a towel over the telescopic visual unit, the whole suit tends to explode. Both of these are relatively minor glitches and I am confident that they will be corrected very soon.”

With the assault of these potentially lethal machines imminent, DFTFC will be here, at great personal risk, to keep you filled in on the details.

Yeah you guessed it the majority of this site is copyrighted to us, © 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003 all the way up to 2014 so please don't pinch it. Obviously this is all in good humour if you don't think so then you don't have "good humour". This is of course only a sarcastic sceptical FICTITIOUS (yes thats right it's not real! - It's actually made up! - Welcome to the world of satire), view on life the universe and everyone in the public light... hey it's all supposed to be good fun... honest :)