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EXCLUSIVE Eastenders in the new millennium.

Written by: Helter-Skelter Published on: 12 Mar 2000

DFTFC can reveal major new story lines in the sensational British soap opera Eastenders.

Insiders have told DFTFC that the soap, which is usually filmed six weeks in advance, have actually filmed enough episodes for the next year. Writers (who are rumoured to be linked with the Iraqi Government) have predicted events for the next year concluding with Armageddon on 1-1-2001. DFTFC spoke exclusively to one of these writers, Mustafa Haman.

Mustafa Harman
Mustafa Harman

DFTFC: You’re a writer for the popular and much loved British TV show Eastenders.

Mustafa Haman: Yes, myself and two colleagues from Iraq were brought in to spice things up a bit, and work in conjunction with the previous writers. We also managed to speed up production.

DFTFC: By filming twelve months work in ten weeks?

MH: Fifteen months, yes.

DFTFC: Don’t you think this might compromise the quality of the show?

MH: Granted, a lot of the original production team couldn’t take the pressure and subsequently died; they had to be replaced by some of our Iraqi colleagues, but the cast has remained reasonably constant.

DFTFC: Tell us about the new story lines.

MH: Well the main story to look forward to, is when young Sonia Jackson accidentally discovers a WWII bunker. The year ends with two parties, a grand street party in Albert Square, and a rival party in the bunker.

DFTFC: And Armageddon?

MH: Well on New Year’s Eve, whilst these parties are going on, the President of the USA, typically, goes mad and decides to destroy the world with his nuclear arsenal.

DFTFC: Isn’t that a little far fetched?

MH: My poor naive little friend, there is much that you don’t know about the USA. Their stupidity has to be controlled….Iraq must be allowed to control them!

DFTFC: Well quite, so what happens then

MH: Well you see, whilst trying to bomb Moscow, the stupid Americans accidentally hit London, destroying everyone in a 1000km radius. However the people at the underground party, despite being exposed to radiation, survive.

DFTFC: Arrrrr, I see.

MH: However in filming there was a little accident, we were using a “medium yield” nuclear warhead, rather than the BBC standard “low yield” warhead, and unfortunately the cast suffered a few…err…fatalities.

DFTFC: Several people get mutated in the show?

MH: And regrettably those mutations are real. We had a real problem with the melting flesh. Makeup just wouldn’t cover it.

DFTFC: Thanks for your time, we look forward to seeing those episodes.

Mustafa Haman and his Iraqi friends have now moved to Australia, to continue their unique form of writing in the popular soap Neighbours.

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