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Osmonds on the Loose Again!

Written by: Sean the Irish Bastard Published on: 17 Aug 2000

In a hurriedly prepared statement, it was announced late last night that three of the Osmonds have escaped from captivity.

The shock news comes just three weeks after a security scare which saw the temporary loss of Merrill and Jay Osmond from their maximum security compound in Las Vegas. The deceptively named “Osmond Family Theatre” has been their home since 1982 when the entire Osmond clan were locked away for life for their crimes against light entertainment. On the previous occasion the two brothers were found in the public section of the building running around in small circles in the ladies toilets, gibbering to themselves.

One of the guards first on the scene was 52 year old Bill Driscoll: “It was terrible. They both looked really scared and were making those funny noises. I guess it was one of their hit records or something, but it sounded a bit odd because Merrill was foaming at the mouth.” He adds: “It’s so sad when they get upset, but we have to keep them out of harm’s way. And I’m not a guard, I’m an Osmond Team Member”.

Jay Osmond is himself believed to have been the brains behind the latest furore, which also involves the disappearance of Marie and Jimmy “Not-so-Little-as-he-was” Osmond. The trio are believed to have grown weary after performing the same show for 6642 consecutive nights and legged it during the interval disguised as audience members.

In fact, for the last 18 years, the audience to their shows has been cleverly faked by installing 1240 well-tailored mannequins. Thus the Osmonds have been led to believe that they are still a popular act and get a full house every night. Fortunately, at least until recently, inbreeding has resulted in sufficient lack of grey matter, so they fail to notice that the audience is not real, looks the same every night and never moves. One is also left to assume that they are more than used to the amount of applause which could realistically be expected from a bunch of rather bored dummies.

Spokesman Rick Kytell says that the escape is the biggest headache in the history of the Osmond Family Prison (sic) since they had to extend the stage to make way for all the new Osmonds being born into the family in the late eighties. The theatre now holds 312 Osmonds, which averages 15 to a dressing room. Since 1991, the staff have been forced to keep them in drawers.

Mr Kytell went on to further explain his fears: “I have to say the real problem is that one of the three escapees is female, and Marie has a history of being a bit promiscuous with other members of the family. Seventeen of the next generation of Osmonds are hers, nine of which are said to belong to her brother Donny with whom she has had a questionable relationship since the seventies.”

“To be honest we’re worried about her and Little Jimmy. Also, since 1980 all Osmond births have occurred in captivity, and we’re worried about the survival of any new arrivals away from the nest.”

There was a well publicised attempt to breed two Osmonds in a Japanese Zoo in 1992, but as the Osmonds rarely perform away from America, it was unsuccessful. “This was of course in the days before Viagra” adds Rick.

The search continues…

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