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Scientist Invents Miracle Beer

Written by: Hungry Caterpillar Published on: 23 Mar 2000

At a press conference earlier today Professor Hienz Von Wolfcastle made an announcement that could change all of our lives forever. He revealed that he has invented a Lager that contains all of the vitamins and minerals that are necessary for an adult to live on, meaning that theatrically you could live off the drink alone.

beer - ummmm
beer - ummmm

The drink currently known only by its secret code, LagerTHX1138, will quite possibly change eating habits all around the world. As Professor Von Wolfcastle explained at the press conference “The average adult will only need to consume ten pints a day to receive his complete dose daily of vitamins and minerals in quantities recommended by the World Health Organisation. This means that in theory you can live indefinitely of the beer alone with out having to take any supplementary food or drink.” The Professor continued “this means that we will be able to take the beverage to some of the most famine ravished areas of the world and help to wipe out world wide hunger.”

Professor Von Wolfcastle explained that the drink will look exactly the same as a normal pint of lager, providing that it is viewed under ultra-violet light, it will taste just like watered down cats piss (apparently). “But who can ever taste anything after two pints anyway” explained the Professor. “You’ll just have to bear it for the first two and then you’ll have nothing to worry about. Just imagine your drinking Kronenburg 1664” he continued.

The Lager will have a 4.2% alcohol by volume content. A journalist from the Guardian has tried to imply that anyone who lives of this lager will be drunk all the time and will turn into an alcoholic. Professor Von Wolfcastle pointed out to us that being drunk would not necessarily be a bad thing, giving the following example as proof.

He also replied that saying that such people were alcoholics was an insult and “they are only drinking to provide themselves with nutrients. Its like calling people who drink water every day hydroholics”.

The Professor then went on to a long explanation of the development and testing procedure that had been done on the drink. DFTFC however found all that sort of stuff very dull and we dosed off in the middle of it. We did however pick up that in the entire animal and human testing there had only been one fatality. The dead man whose name is Robert Polsen foolishly drank eleven pints rather than ten, thereby exceeding the recommended daily dose.

LagerTHX1138 is expected to be available from August this year. However it will only be available at the slightly inflated price 65 (about $100) per pint. However it is predicted that as the drink becomes more popular its price will begin to drop. In addition the base ingredients (Dioxin, Anthrax, Plutonium) become cheaper when produced in large quantities, production plants are expected to be set up in Iran and Iraq to help produce these key ingredients. There will also be special discounts for students, who are expected to be the drinks major consumers.

Well everyone here at DFTFC is convinced that this product is going to be a huge success. In fact were all going down the pub to drink ten pints of normal Lager to get in some practice for when the real stuff comes out. Cheers.

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