A mad old satirical news site from the dawn of the Internet archived for posterity

Drink from the
furry cup

All the news without the kumquats


  • ChilliBear
  • Hungry Caterpillar
  • Sean the Irish Bastard
  • Spunk-Monkey
  • Winnie the Poo
  • Hoffin' Bigman
  • Helter-Skelter
  • Niloc
  • Saunders
  • Dai Laffin
  • Digger

Quintessential Quote

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

Pick of the Best

Past Poll

Are you ignorant or apathetic?

  • I don't know
  • I don't care

Wimbledon Common Murder Blamed on Wombles

Written by: Hungry Caterpillar Published on: 28 Sep 2000

Tonight the third murder in as many days took place on Wimbledon Common. Police have announced that they suspect the murders were carried out by the militant wing of a group know as the Wombles. The Wombles, for a long time have been ardent protesters against littering on Wimbledon Common but traditionally their protests have been peaceful.

Wimbledon Common: An area of peace tranquillity and horribly gruesome murder.
Wimbledon Common: An area of peace tranquillity and horribly gruesome murder.

Mr Jason Hawk was the last person to see the latest victim. Mr Hawk told us he saw the victim seconds before he was killed. “I saw him seconds before he was killed” Mr Hawk told us, “He was walking along drinking a can of a soft drink containing vegetable extracts (which cannot not be named here for legal reasons). Just before I saw him walk behind a large bush I saw him throw the can, which no longer contained a soft drink with vegetable extracts, into the bush. Next thing I heard was a rustling noise from the bush followed by a scream.”

The dead man, whose name was Robert Polsen was described as high consumer of soft drinks containing vegetable products, by friends and family.

The militant Womble group who call themselves ‘The Real Wombles’ first came to public attention a year ago when they claimed responsibility for a series of bombings of fast food restaurants that surround the common. The group is believed to be led by a Womble known as Orinoco. Orinoco apparently became tired of the other Wombles peaceful protests, constant cleaning and ‘picking up the pieces to make something new’. Along with fellow Womble Tomsk he formed ‘The Real Wombles’ in order to take more direct action.

The bombing campaign ceased after the group realised that debris from the bombings was causing more mess on the common than the littering.

The Womble terror campaign
The Womble terror campaign

Earlier tonight Great Uncle Bulgaria once more condemned the actions of the group in a public statement. “I find the actions of these young Wombles to be totally irresponsible. Ive been carrying out these peaceful protests for almost fifty years now and although things haven’t got any better that does not mean we should change tactics. In fact in resent years the situation has got a lot worse but still we must continue. Hey hang on a minute.”

Local groups are calling for action from the government. Some want all the Wombles to be tagged so there position can be monitored at all times. Some want all the Wombles to be removed from Wimbledon Common Sealed in a box and dumped in the North Sea. As one local told us “They’re violent, dangerous and quite frankly they smell.”

Yeah you guessed it the majority of this site is copyrighted to us, © 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003 all the way up to 2014 so please don't pinch it. Obviously this is all in good humour if you don't think so then you don't have "good humour". This is of course only a sarcastic sceptical FICTITIOUS (yes thats right it's not real! - It's actually made up! - Welcome to the world of satire), view on life the universe and everyone in the public light... hey it's all supposed to be good fun... honest :)