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And now, in keeping with Channel 40's policy of always bringing you the latest in blood and guts, in living color, you're about to see another. First - an attempted suicide.

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Doctors 'did their best', Robinson did the rest!

Written by: Sean the Irish Bastard Published on: 20 Feb 2001

Several months back the media were beset with the story of two (well obviously) Siamese twins. Months of legal wrangling had led to the separation operation going ahead against the parents’ wishes. The reason for this overruling was that had the operation not gone ahead, death was almost certain for both twins within six months. It had been established that the operation would give a very good chance of a long (and normal) life to the stronger twin at the cost of the certain death to the other, who depended on the vital organs of her sister. Following the revelations revealed to us last night, DFTFC can now reveal the shocking truth of what reallyhappened…

Given that the weaker twin’s death was to be a certainty in the course of the operation, there was an uncomfortable atmosphere at last year’s press conference to which DFTFC had originally been invited when it was announced that the condemned twin had indeed died - “despite the best efforts of the doctors”(!). Fortunately, Spunk-Monkey was present to make a sarcastic remark, and though we can’t publish his comment for legal reasons, it was definitely worth getting the both of us thrown out for it. Anarchy! Right on! (etc). The gist of the remark was that the hypocritical errpeople had acted as if the death was unexpected, and tried to imply that they couldn’t be held responsible for the death, when they quite obviously were. What nasty people they are (“whoops! we just killed her accidentally on purpose, like!”)

We were intrigued to hear last night from a staff nurse at St. Mary’s, Linda Fielder, 38, who wishes to remain synonymous. She phoned us following her recent termination of employment and told us of the circumstances of the final stages of the separation: “They had separated the twins except for the shared arteries which kept the weak twin alive. Then the doctors clamped up the exposed bits and pieces and stood back.”

“I couldn’t believe what happened next. One of the doctors went over and pushed through the plastic doors, and came back in with Anne Robinson - yes her off the telly. They gave her this big knife and she walked up to the operating table. Ms Robinson then looked at the twins and sternly said: ‘With the verdict in from the high court, you are the weakest link, goodbye.’ She cut the remaining arteries with one swift chop and the doctors moved in to tidy up the tubes and sew the surviving twin up.”

Anne Robinson - Cruel to be Kind?
Anne Robinson - Cruel to be Kind?

We at DFTFC wish to extend our deepest sympathy to the twins’ family. Reports from other quarters that the trolley containing the stricken twin’s body was later spotted disappearing into the hospital kitchen cannot be substantiated.

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