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James Bond 'Not Docusoap'

Written by: Winnie the Poo Published on: 05 Jul 2002

The world was left reeling this afternoon when Tony Blair, the UK president, err prime minister, revealed during question time that James Bond 007, the stalwart of the British Secret Service did not exist. The ‘movies’ the great Mr Bond has been in the last thirty years were not part of a reality television show and were in fact a work of pure fiction!

James Bonds’ supposedly fictional antics as a master spy and all round ladies man have buoyed British confidence in their secret services and scared foreign powers shitless for years. Sam “the squirrel” Jones - our source from the Ministry of Defence who wished to not be named was quoted as saying “the existence of Bond was and is the only thing that’s stopping the ruskies invading the whole of western Europe during this the chilliest hour of the cold war.”

Bond is believed to have been behind many of the momentous events of the last thirty years, from the 1966 world cup final (are you sure that was a Polish linesman…) to the falling of the Berlin wall. In fact, it has been claimed that the Iranian embassy siege only took place because he was on a weekend break with the Irish spy ‘Plenti O’Clitorus’ at the time.

We sent our Russian correspondent, to track down Vladimir - top KGB master of disguise and evasion, for his comments and reaction to the story, “We do not believe it” he said gruffly, “do the UK government really think that we are gullible enough to believe that he does not exist, his antics are legendary, and his prowess as a secret agent is also well known”. When pushed as to what he thought Blair was doing making such an announcement he revealed “we are getting close to killing him, closer than we have been for years, we got Q last year and we will get Bond soon.” When asked whether they would tell firstly Bond their secret plans and then try to kill Bond in a ridiculously intricate (yet easily escapable) death the Russian spymaster simply said “No, we will shot him three times in the head.‡” A warning indeed.

James, if you are out there watching this, be careful, the Russians are coming …

‡ whilst abseiling down a cliff into a vat of liquid hydrogen and juggling twelve monkeys - “we felt nothing should be left to chance…”

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