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Yoda in Sex 'n' Drugs Confession

Written by: Sean the Irish Bastard Published on: 26 Jul 2000

Yesterday afternoon DFTFC was offered an exclusive interview with Jedi Master Yoda. Yoda came to us because as he put it “You guys interview fairly Jedi - lie not in my name, hmm???”

Yoda, 978, has been living on Earth since the late-seventies when he was hired to play himself in “The Empire Strikes Back”, the second film in George Lucas’ mammoth reworking of the true epic chronicles of the Jedi. He was scandalised in 1992 when pictures of him in coitus with young sheep called Thomas had been published in leading newspapers and the Guardian. The picture has always been claimed by LucasArts, who have made four films in the series to date, to have been a clever forgery. However, yesterday Yoda himself made the situation quite clear: “Had the sheep did I. Most regrettable it was. No work for many years had there been, needed an escape did I - trapped Iwas.”

Yoda also admitted to a drink problem at around the same time: “Much booze I had, much headaches… pissed as a fart I was”. It all paints a sad picture for such an icon of the screen. “Then went into rehab did I. Then special editions. Clever bastard is George. Special editions lead to revenue, revenue leads to cash, cash leads to spending”. It seems Yoda’s excessive spending was more or less under control for a while, but after completing work on the recent prequel “The Phantom Menace” it seems things got out of hand: “went to strange clubs did I. Many drugs did I, many orgies and whippings had I hmm???” He then handed us the following picture, taken at a seedy club in Pittsburgh last July…

“George found me there, thinking, in the shit I was. Rescued me he did, from the dark side. Now back in rehab am I. Out soon should I be, work on new film, hmm?” We pressed Yoda to tell us more about the new film: “Wait you must - or bribe, or there is no tell”. We took offence at this and kicked him out of the office.

Gielgud and Cartland

Written by: Sean the Irish Bastard Published on: 05 Jul 2000

Six weeks after the deaths of Sir John Gielgud and Dame Barbara Cartland, it has revealed that they died while “on the job” at Cartland’s home in London.

This shocking admission by one of the Dame’s personal staff, Helen Mackay came as no surprise to his fellow thespian Sir Alec Guinness. “John always had an eye for the older ladies”. Sir John, who was 96 had never married, and was widely known to have been ‘a bit of a playboy’, by those that worked with him.

Gielgud - Had an eye for the older ladies
Gielgud - Had an eye for the older ladies

Dame Barbara Cartland, who was 98, had been married twice. She had publicly declared that her first husband, Sachie McCorquodale was “unsatisfactory in bed”, so divorced him and married his sexual boomerang brother, Hugh, who once told friends that Cartland was “a bit of a goer”. He eventually died from a 50 year old war wound. The deaths of both Cartland and Gielgud were separately announced on the morning of 22nd May, but Gieldgud, it was claimed had also died at home.

Cartland - A bit of a goer
Cartland - A bit of a goer

It was further revealed that the pair had been seeing each other since the death last year of Sir John’s longtime companion Martin Hensler, about whom very little is known publicly.

We at DFTFC would like to just mention that more details regarding the whole affair were disclosed to us, but on the grounds of decency they will not be explained here. Yuck.

Steps in Gilla Monster Sex Orgy Shocker!

Written by: Saunders Published on: 25 Jun 2000

A leaked document today confirms suspicions that mime sensations Steps have been involved in raunchy sexorgies with up to twelve Gilla Monsters.

The giant lizards, ranging in size from six to twelve feet long and up to a metre in height, were seen leaving the group’s dressing rooms after their sell out London gigs. A source close to the intrepid fivesome said, “Steps live for lizards. They are the group’s most dedicated fans and whenever they show up at a gig, they always get invited back-stage for “drinks.””

These latest allegations, leaked from a top official at Pete Waterman’s recording studio, state that members of the “band” solicited sex from the giant lizards and tried to sell them drugs. Particularly that little Welsh twat. Representatives of the lizards said that they felt “Hurt and used” by Steps, and disappointed that a group in their position could abuse the trust of their fans in such way.”

The case continues.

Animal Protests Flare Up Again

Written by: Helter-Skelter Published on: 14 Jun 2000

Today in the farming community there is yet again a standstill in animal farming due to protests over artificial meats. The protests around the country seem to stem primarily from the cows. The original protest in January of this year started out in farms in Hereford, Worcestershire and Gloucestershire, but now the fourth and most recent protest appears to cover the entire country from Kent to ‘bonnie’ Scotland.

Hereford cow refuses questioning
Hereford cow refuses questioning

The cows of West’s Farm in Hereford seem to be in control of the operation to halt the meat and dairy production. None of the cows would offer us any words on the matter however they released this statement earlier this morning.

“We, the cows of West’s Farm, Hereford, feel we represent the nation on the issue of synthetic meat being produced. If people want to eat meat then they should not have to put up with this false rubbish. We realise that the EU has given us a bit of bad press over this madness thing but we believe we are now safe to eat. Our lives are at risk here, if we were not farmed for our flesh then we may die out, even become extinct. We can’t even see why people eat this stuff, I mean we’ve had the odd ‘off-cut’ from one-another and frankly we’re delicious and this ‘imitation beef’ stuff is just tasteless.

“We are not here to avoid being culled, the opposite in fact. But we believe that if our cows stop allowing themselves to be milked then man will see how much they need us, we are taking this protest to the people any way we can. Beef is good. EAT MEAT!

Cows create roadblock
Cows create roadblock

Across the country cows have subsequently been told to cross their udders, block roads and make the public now about their feelings on the issue.

Cows taunt DFTFC photographer
Cows taunt DFTFC photographer

This time other animals have jumped on the bandwagon. Sheep say they are refusing to be cloned, as they believe is ruins their individuality. Sheep really aren’t very bright. The chicken’s protest didn’t get off the ground due to communication difficulties. Elsewhere in the world the snake community of Japan has stormed the streets of Tokyo and a rough group of snails had a rather unsuccessful sit-in under the Arc-de-Triumph. A school of tuna blocked ships in the Mediterranean protesting over ‘dolphin friendly’ tined tuna, saying that at least they didn’t make dumb squeaky noises. The fishermen’s comment was that it was “a good catch”.

The general feeling is that there is very little for the cows to worry about. We’ll just have to wait and see what difference, if any, this protest can make.

Leo Blair: an investigation

Written by: Helter-Skelter Published on: 25 May 2000

The Blair’s millennial baby Leo Blair, born on the 22nd May has always been believed to be a publicity stunt. There have been rumours for some time that Tony knocked up his misses in order to get an extra boost in the opinion polls of for the next general election. Using what the commentators call the “ah!” value of carrying around a baby.

However DFTFC researchers spoke to a friend of a friend of a mate of the Blair’s ‘genuine’ family doctor and he told us that the PM’s wife, Cherie, could no longer conceive after having last child Lionel. This leaves DFTFC to come to several conclusions about the so-called Leo Blair. Either he is a genetically modified baby grown in a synthetic womb or it is some sort of robot or alien baby that the Blair’s bought for effect.

DFTFC liked these conclusions so set out to find evidence. The first signs of this could be the way that the Blair’s are keeping the baby hidden away. We all know that bringing up babies is a piece of piss and they basically maintain themselves, unless you have to feed them 36 times a day on raw flesh and cranberry juice.

DFTFC decided to come up with a quality theory. After several nights of plotting, discussing and theorising we came up with this little gem.

Tony Blair has decided that if he is to stay in power indefinitely then he may need to be in two places at once; say meeting public and stopping people from blowing us up. If this was to happen then he would win admiration of the public by running the country and entertaining the people. For this very reason we believe he is growing himself a ‘doppelganger’. Leo is in fact not a baby but a genetic experiment to produce Tony Mk. II.

The baby Leo will grow at 50 times the normal rate of human growth, meaning in 8 months time he will look, sound and act like Tony Mk. I. At this point his growth will stabilise in time for the next general election. In the meantime Cherie can have any baby she likes and call it their son. The reason for the extensive cover up is because the clone needs to be around Tony Mk. I a lot to adopt his characteristics. If this theory is correct then we should expect to see TonyBlair around a lot more in public and otherwise, unfortunately.

As we were unable to get a picture of the little Blair without having to fork out a load of money, here is an artists impression of what young Leo might look like.

Except he possibly has a few more legs…

DFTFC would like to congratulate Tony and Cherie on their little genetic achievement.

Bridge to be built across River Styx

Written by: ChilliBear Published on: 16 May 2000

It was leaked to DFTFC last night that several international companies are bidding to win an exclusive contract to build a new bridge over the famous River Styx. The River Styx is probably best know for the key role it provides in accessing the underworld, although recently several travel agents have started offering package holidays there.

Artists impression of the new bridge
Artists impression of the new bridge

Presently those souls wishing to cross over into the underworld pay the ferryman Charon, who has been doing sterling service since the dawn of time taking souls across the river to the gates of Hades. However all this seems to be about to change with the introduction of this new bridge and the start of an automated toll system. We approached Death about this new approach to ‘passage into the underworld’ and his customer relations office gave us this statement:

“It is this office’s belief that the present system of a single ferryman across the River Styx is outdated in this new millennium. In order to modernise and provide a more relaxing trip to the underworld for all our customers we will be placing out a contract to construct a bridge across the River Styx”

Determined to get a better understanding of all this; we went on a day trip to Hades and spoke with some of the souls and to Charon the ferryman himself.

DFTFC: Hi, could you tell us how you think the impact of a bridge across the River Styx would impact on your journey to the underworld.

Dead Bloke: Actually I think it would be a great benefit, you see I’ve been waiting here for four hours in the rain waiting for Charon to ferry me across this silly river, but you see there is quite a backlog of people and only one ferryman. So a bridge would be a great benefit, much easier and less stressful.

DFTFC: Thanks, and what about you madam, do you think it’s a good idea?

Dead Woman: No I don’t. I am a firm believer in tradition and I think an ugly new bridge in this the upper levels of the underworld would just ruin the ambience of the setting.

DFTFC: What even if it had like skulls and stuff on it.

Dead Woman: Absolutely, I wont stand for it and fancy little touches like decaying corpses won’t make me change my mind.

DFTFC: Errr, okay, moving on we have managed to arrange a quick word with the man of the moment Charon himself. Charon, don’t you feel that after all this time that Death should have more faith in you and that this contract to build a bridge is almost like being ‘stabbed in the back’.

Charon: I couldn’t agree more, I’ve done this job since the beginning of time, and it clearly states in my contract that I have been hired for all eternity. Its a clear breach of contract and I’m going to sue the bastards.

DFTFC: Don’t you think that with Death being almost omnipotent that suing him isn’t going to do much.

Charon: Well I have the full backing of the Lower Abyss Trade Unions and a good lawyer, so I think I have a good chance. If the worse does come to it though I’m sure there are plenty of jobs for ferryman within the whole ‘afterlife’ system, I’m confident my skills are transferable to other rolls.

DFTFC: Thanks for sparing us the time, err, I hope I wont be seeing you soon then.

So there we have it the report straight from the corpse’s mouth. What the future holds for the dead here in Hades remains to be seen, and public opinion seems divided on the matter. As ever DFTFC will endeavour to keep you updated on developments.

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