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CIA Operation Mama revealed...

Written by: Digger Published on: 03 May 2000

The quiet lull of events in the Gulf is thanks to a successful mission, codenamed “Operation Mama” and involving Britney Spears.


Through secret papers leaked to DFTFC via our American operative ‘Dougie B’ we have discovered that “Operation Mama” has kept Saddam Hussein at bay by his constant masturbation over Britney Spears’ now ample bust.

We spoke to Britney in an exclusive interview. She flatly (ahem!) denied that an operation to enlarge her bust had been carried out without her knowledge by secret service surgeons whilst she was in a stupor induced by American daytime TV. Britney has been quoted as saying, “…it simply isn’t true. I know when I’m awake and when I’m not and I have definitely not been asleep for at least two hours.” she followed “…I am not really blonde either, I am a real brainy chick”.

When we pointed out that one of her now rippling breasts was hanging loose from her T-shirt she said, “oops, how careless of me, I didn’t feel that.”

Ms Spears during our 'informal' interview
Ms Spears during our 'informal' interview

We tracked down one of the surgeons, Dr Matthew Amory, who told us his story: “Sure, we all had fun on that one. The operation went pretty well too. We used implants filled with saline from the Dead Sea, so they just float around a bit when she dances. We understand that some of the people in the region now consider them as holy relics, for some reason or other…”

A spokesman for Saddam Hussein told us: “Our great leader denies that his sheets are sticky, but he invites Ms Spears to a fine cocktail party where she might perhaps dance the seven veils, and partake in a little masked ball.”

The CIA denies using Ms Spears as a human shield and that they have no official interest in young Ms Spear?s ample paps. However they are interested in speaking to Ms Christina Aguilera on a matter of some urgency…

Alien Queen - I'm not a bitch

Written by: ChilliBear Published on: 01 May 2000

DFTFC are pleased to be able to bring you this interview by the BBC’s Jeremy Paxman. This interview was conducted earlier this year between Jeremy and the Alien Queen, famed for her role in the movie Aliens. The BBC decided not to broadcast this interview because they believed it showed a scary monster as being an acceptable part of society, but here it is in full from DFTFC.

The Alien Queen and Jeremy Paxman
The Alien Queen and Jeremy Paxman

Jeremy: Good evening. In the past you have been portrayed in the media as being rather an evil and nasty pieceof work, and even a “bitch” once. How does that make you feel?

Queen: Well Jeremy I find it really upsetting that people only take me on face value. I’m sure that to many eyes I look like a 15 foot tall killing machine drooling mucus over everything, but if they only spent a few minutes getting to know me they would understand that really I’m just a nice person trying to be a good mother to my hive.

Jeremy: So you feel rather as if you have been stereotyped by the media and BBC.

Queen: Yes thats right Jeremy. When I fist started my acting career, solely to support my family I might add, I started out in a few bit parts for the TV series Sesame Street. Then I got my break in Aliens, I guess I really impressed them at the audition with my drooling and snarling. So I went to star in that movie and ever since then I’ve been stereotyped into the “evil bitch from hell” role, I just don’t get those romantic comedy type scripts anymore, its all “can you play this big nasty bitch alien for us” scripts. That’s just not me.

Jeremy: Well you did give a pretty convincing act in Aliens. In particular your final battle with Ripley after you tore Bishop in two. Don’t you think that perhaps you brought this on yourself.

Queen: Not really after all that was all in the script, well except for the Bishop part which wasa bit of a funny accident really.

Jeremy: An accident, whats the story there then?

Queen: Well I was climbing down from the dropship, and there was oil everywhere and I just kinda slipped and whoops my tail goes right through him, then when I stood up to help he kinda went flying!

Jeremy: It certainly looked real! Now about the bit where Ripley actually called you a Bitch, what are your feelings about that.

Queen: That wasn’t in the script either, and I felt that she added because she really did feel like that. It was all because I had a larger trailer on the set than her, well I mean what do expect I’m 15 feet tall, and have 300 children and God knows how many facehuggers to look after - of course I need a bloody bigger trailer!

Jeremy: Well I’d like to thank you for sharing some of your thoughts with us. I believe that your due to star in a rather an anticipated new movie, would you like to plug that?

Queen: Thanks Jeremy. Yes I’m going to be staring in Star Wars Episode II, as Queen Amidala. So go and see it.

Exclusive No News!

Written by: Sean the Irish Bastard Published on: 24 Apr 2000

We at DFTFC were shocked today by a complete lack of news.

No spokesmen for any organisations had any comment to make on the complete absence of developments of any kind.

If there is any news, we’ll bring it to you. In the mean time, here is a little music (well, there would be, but we haven’t sorted out our plugins yet).

Tell you what, just imagine you can hear this:

“Hmm-mmm, m-m-m, mm-m-mm-m-m, hmm-m-mm m-mm-m-m-mm…” (that’s right, Copacabana!)

Novelty Phone Rings added as Eighth Deadly Sin

Written by: Hungry Caterpillar Published on: 22 Apr 2000

The church announced today that from now on, annoying mobile phone rings have been added as the eighth deadly sin.


It seems that the Church, as have the rest of us, have got so pissed off with people who have those annoying novelty phone rings that they have decided that an eternity in hell is a just punishment for them.

The people who will be affected by this are those that instead of the normal everyday ring insist on having stupid tunes play every time their phone rings.

So next time you are on a train and hear one, and suddenly you can hear an annoying bleepy version of Greensleeves being played, take comfort in the fact that whoever owns that mobile phone will be spending eternity in hell.

In commemoration of this momentous event a special edition of David Fincher’s 1995 film Se7en is being re-released in a new “Special Edition”. The film is about two cops, detectives Mills (Brad Pitt) and Somerset (Morgan Freeman), on the trail of a serial killer who is using each deadly sin as a motive for a series of killings. The new scene will involve the detectives uncovering another murder to tie in with the eighth deadly sin. We at DFTFC have obtained exclusive access to the script from this newscene.


Mills and Somerset enter. Somerset looks at the cops around the bed, then looks at a nearby wall. His mouth drops in horror. On the wall, written in broken mobilephone parts: ANNOYING RING.



He pulls the sheets off the bed and reveals the shrivelled, sore-covered form of a man who is blindfolded and tied to the bed with a thin wire which has been wrapped time and time again around the mattress and bed frame. Tubes runs out from a stained loincloth around the man’s waist and snake under the bed. He has a pair of headphones on his head and a mobile phone in his hand.

Mills pushes past the other cops.


Holy shit.

Somerset picks up the head phones and listens to them.


It’s playing the first four bars of Greensleeves. He must have listened to it again, and again, and again until he ended up in this state.


Thats inhumane. How could anybody do such a thing?


Were up against some kind of monster.


Hey look at his phone. He’s got Baa Baa Black Sheep, Dr Who, Mission: Impossible - even Agadoo!


What are they?


Phone rings. Fucking novelty phone rings. On second thoughts, screw this guy - he’s just got everything he deserves. Let’s go.

Somerset replaces the headphones and they all leave.

Mathematician finds true value of Pi to be 3.15

Written by: Hungry Caterpillar Published on: 20 Apr 2000

For centuries scientists have thought that the number know as Pi was supposed to be an irrational number, infinite in length. But today Dr Richard Kimber announced that the value of the number is not 3.141592653589… and so on. It is in fact only 3.15.

It seems that previously every mathematician that had tried to calculate Pi had in fact ‘Forgotten to carry the two’ and so got what is in actual fact a very simple sum completely wrong. The result of this finding is expected to have far reaching consequences. Its implications are going to be devastating as it is now becoming clear that for this entire time people have been calculating the area and radius of circles incorrectly. Also it will have implications in the errr well what ever else Pi is actually used for.

We spoke to Dr Kimber who made this incredible discovery.

DFTFC: Dr Kimber thank you for joining us today.

Dr Richard Kimber: Its nice to be here.

DFTFC: Have you managed to catch up with the one armed man yet?

DRK: Thats Dr Richard Kimble you idiot.

DFTFC: Sorry. So when did you make this momentous discovery

DRK: Well I was giving a lecture at the university at which I work to a bunch of idiots… sorry first years and while calculating Pi for them I was surprised to find that I got the result of 3.15.

DFTFC: And you found that this was just because you remember to carry the two.

DRK: Yes it seemed amazing to me that Id never spotted it before.

DFTFC: And you’re sure that your answer is the correct answer

DRK: Yes Im positive.

DFTFC: And the fact that every mathematician from Pythagoras to Einstein have failed to notice this doesn’t make you any less confidant.

DRK: Well when you put it like that


DRK: Look I think I should be going.

DFTFC: Yes I think that Tommy Lee Jones is on his way.

We at DFTFC would like to point out that we believe that this is the first time anyone has ever tried to write any thing amusing about an irrational number.

Sarah Michelle Gellar 'used to be a man'

Written by: Sean the Irish Bastard Published on: 17 Apr 2000

Medical documents supposedly leaked from a Hospital in Miami are at the centre of claims by a anonymous source that Sarah Michelle Gellar, star of TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer used to be a man. The two page report, sent to Dougie B at our US headquarters, claims that the actress was born Michael Gellar in New York in 1967, (not 1977 as widely believed).

Gellar is said to have “done a reverse Hilary Swank in the 80s and early 90s”, taking female acting roles while still armed with a skin pistol. The report gives details of a five year programme of psychological and hormonal treatment lasting from August 1989 to November 1994, after which Gellar then would have had to had lived as awoman for a further two years before the “final cut” could be made.

A full sex-change operation is said to have been completed in 1996, less than a year before landing the Buffy role. Gellar’s agent told Dougie B “these allegations about Sarah’s past are totally false”. However, he was unable to refute the evidence to the contrary dragged up by Dougie B:

Firstly, a birth certificate in the name of Michael Philip Gellar which matched the actresses perfectly except for name, sex and year of birth. Secondly, there were no census records for Miss Gellar until the most recent, compiled earlier this year (where she appears in place of Michael Philip Gellar, listed in the previous three surveys). And thirdly, she can throw a cricket ball properly. Presumably, this, as well as the associated non-girly combat techniques are what got her cast as Buffy in the first place.

1996 - Time for a shave

Further to this, Dougie approached Alyson Hannigan, who plays Willow Rosenberg in the cult show and pumped her for more information. Posing as an autograph-hunting fan, Dougie asked her about Gellar, and it transpires she is a bit of a soccer fan. Hannigan said that Gellar even understood the offside rule. Dougie then asked Hannigan “back to his place” and got a swift kick in the groin.

All this is bad news to the five-knuckle shufflers who idolise Gellar’s form. Kansas city viewer Jon, 14 said of the revelations “it’s put me off my rhythm a bit, man. I mean, geez!” Rich, 20, from Pittsburgh added “Whoa dude! No wonder she’s never done Playboy!”. However 17-year old Chip from Idaho told us “well, she looks great now, what the hell! Could you guys please excuse me?”

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