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Christina Aguilera Revealed to be a Genie from a Bottle

Written by: Hungry Caterpillar Published on: 22 Feb 2000

It was exclusively revealed to DFTFC today that teen popster Christina Aguilera, 18 is in fact a genie from a bottle.

Christina whose real name is just Aguilera the Impure, in the past looked slightly less attractive than her current form.

Aguilera the Impure was first summoned to this world in approximately the 3rd Century. An evil sorcerer, of which little is known, summoned the demon Aguilera the Impure from hell to help crush his enemies. The sort of stuff that evil sorcerers always used to do.

Unfortunately the sorcerer and Aguilera the Inpure had a slight disagreement which led to several thousand deaths, large areas of land being destroyed and the demon being sealed in a bottle for all time. The only way that Aguilera the Impure could be released was by the granting of three wishes to who ever rubbed the lamp.

The bottle remained undiscovered for seventeen hundred years until it was found washed up on Brighton beach by a girl called Christina Smith, 17 from Wexford, PA.

Unfortunately for Miss Smith she had not watched enough daft horror films and so that she did not know that all genies will try to screw over the wisher unless they are exceptionally specific.

The genie granted Miss Smiths three wishes. The first was that her cat, Pokey would get better (He had a broken leg). The second was that her ex-boyfriend would go to hell. And thirdly that she would have a brief pop career consisting a couple of successful singles, a marginally successful album, a series of arguments with another teen popster and then a rapid descent into obscurity.

Aguilera the Impure healed Pokey and sent the boyfriend, whose name was Robert Polsen, to one of the lower realms of the Neverworld. But whilst granting Smiths last wish the genie took possession of the girl’s body.

The body of Christina Smith possessed by the demon Aguilera the Inpure is now the singer known as Christina Aguilera. She is currently enjoying the successful part of her career and we at DFTFC are eagerly awaiting her desent into obscurity.

We tried to contact “Aguilera”s agents for comment but strangely they ignored us. At DFTFC we see this refusal to reply as an admission of guilt.

If you want to email Christian Aguilera then you can write to fanmail@christinamail.com.

Grainy US Alien Autopsy Film Scandal

Written by: ChilliBear Published on: 17 Feb 2000

Earlier this week in a small town in the American outback (where else!) the normal tranquil life was shattered by the US army as they began to rope off vast quantities of the American outback, because of a potentially fatal escaped Cow from a nearby ranch. Dr Bob Alean, an army coroner reviled exclusively to DFTFC (based on our reputation for honest no nonsense respectable reporting) the true story of what really happened that day.

At 0600hrs on the 14th February an unidentified flying object crashed into the desert outside the town of Majersbridge AZ. The army arrived within an hour and began the covert cleanup operation, in total four bodies were recovered from the crashed saucer (shown below).

The army complying with standard procedure make a grainy autopsy film, Dr Alean was one of those who performed the autopsy, the still shown below and taken from the film clearly shows the alien and its weird “alien” features spooky.

When the autopsy had been completed the high quality video footage is run through a procedure called “graining” this adds those characteristic smudges and scratches to the film, it also strips all colour from the film. Apparently this is all done to ensure the video meets ISO 1001 standards for UFO findings.

Dr Alean was asked why he decided to come out with his story, now when he has so many financial worries to concern himself with.

“well I felt that the public just had to know about this, if the US government keep covering up this sort of thing, its really naughty. We all need to know the truth.”

We thanked Dr Alean for his time and paid him his fee. It took us a few hours while we were putting together a high quality article to notice a few oddities in the evidence given by Dr Alean. Then we realised that perhaps Dr Alean has faked the entire episode to make money! Just look at these facts…

  • Note on the picture of the saucer there is a label which says that it was taken in 1964, and in an entirely different part of small town America. Ha! its a different UFO crash, because Dr Alean’s happened on the 14th Feb. 2000 outside the town of Majersbridge AZ.

  • Second in one of the clearer autopsy stills there is a strange object on the side of the body (circled in red), after zooming in is MS Paint, we identified some writing on this object “Made in Taiwan”, so our alien wasn’t from outer space after all.

  • And the final killer, Dr Alean left his wallet at the office, and while ..err.. checking it for loose change, we found this photograph - which clearly shows the alien being built.

We feel the truth has to be known. This UFO incident and the resulting footage was faked I know its hard to believe something a believable as this could all be lies, we are still reeling from the shock, but who can disagree with the evidence we found. DFTFC cup would like to mention that once again all our stories are thoroughly researched and triple checked to make sure that we only bring you the truth, this is a perfect example where our dedication to the real news has paid off and we weren’t duped or taken in by a con-man. In fact we would like to say…

Dr Alean - we still have your wallet, but can you increase the credit limit on your Gold card by $2000 dollars, since ran out of credit to buy our new home entertainment system.

Killer Hedgehogs Terrorise South East England

Written by: Hungry Caterpillar Published on: 16 Feb 2000

A rogue group of hedgehogs have started to savagely attack people across the South East of England. It seems that one flock/herd/(whatever you call a group of hedgehogs) has gone berserk and started attacking everything that moves.

The picture shows what happened when a cat encountered one of the insane hedgehogs. Merely seconds after this picture was taken the cat was literally shredded by the crazed hedgehog.

So far there have been ten reported serious injuries and one death. The dead man, whose name is Robert Polsen was described as ‘A complete wanker’ and ‘No great loss to society’ by his close friends.

These events have caused great confusion among animal rights activists. Some are saying that the Hedgehogs should be killed to protect other wildlife whilst others are saying that these unique animals should be preserved. As per usual in these cases nobody cares about the people who have been injured but as soon as one cat gets shredded everyone is up in arms.

We managed to get an interview with leading Hedgehog expert Professor Irvine Smith.

DFTFC: Is this sort of behaviour common in Hedgehogs?

Professor Irvine Smith: Although it is greatly undocumented this is quite common. What happens is that a flock of hedgehogs will see one too many of their group getting killed on the roads. Then they just go on an insane killing spree.

DFTFC: So why don’t we hear more about this in the news

PIS: Well usually only a couple of people get hurt and the BBC manages to cover it up. But this time a cat got shredded so the truth was bound to get out.

DFTFC: How exactly do the hedgehogs attack other animals

PIS: Well some of them curl into balls and then fire themselves at people. Others will use primitive hand weapons like clubs, spears or missile launchers.

DFTFC: Oh. I didn’t realised hedgehogs were that advanced.

PIS: Oh yes. Some of them are cunning little bastards.

DFTFC: Are you sure you’re a hedgehog expert?

PIS: Oh yes. Look I have a special badge.

DFTFC: Alright then, how many legs do hedgehogs have

PIS: Five. No I mean six. It’s six isn’t it.

DFTFC: That’s crap. You have no idea what a hedgehog is, do you?

PIS: No, I admit it. I only agreed to do this interview for the money.

DFTFC: But we’re not paying you.

PIS: Oh Shit!

DFTFC: Look this is a very serious subject, a cat has been shredded. I think you should apologise to all our readers.

PIS: Sorry.

DFTFC: Say it properly.

PIS: I’m very, very sorry.

DFTFC: Right, now get out of our office before we call the police.

We’d like to thank Professor Smith as we are legally obliged to.

Kenny Baker Nominated for Oscar

Written by: Sean the Irish Bastard Published on: 15 Feb 2000

Today’s announcement of this year’s Oscar nominations brought good news for fans of diminutive brummie Kenny Baker, as he received a nomination for his work on last year’s blockbuster Star Wars episode 1. Baker, 65 was listed as being in the running for a relatively new Oscar catagory, Best Performance in a Tin Can. The first person to receive the award was one-time queen of Blue Peter, the late Michael Sundin (1986), for his performance as Tik-Tok in Return to Oz. Other past winners include Mike Edmonds, Warwick Davies and a kid called Simon who got roped into play some metal thing orother in Labyrinth.

Baker’s interpretation of the role of R2D2 has won great acclaim over the years, and the latest chapter in the film series, the much-hyped prequel The Phantom Menace gave the teeny actor the chance to “go back and explore the development of the character”. Tony Fielder, film critic of acclaimed newspaper the Redditch Bugle described at the time of release “Mr Baker’s sympathetic portrayal of a droid suddenly thrust into the line of fire” which “helped set the scene for a both deeply moving and truly majestic production”. Alec Guinness however described the film as “bloody awful”. He did later add “I liked the little dustbin chap though - he hasn’t changed at all”.

The full list of nominees for the award are as follows:

  • Kenny Baker (Star Wars Episode I: the Phantom Menace)
  • Ray Griffifths (Star Wars Episode I: the Phantom Menace)
  • Jeff Shay (Star Wars Episode I: the Phantom Menace)
  • Paul Martin Smith (Star Wars Episode I: the Phantom Menace)
  • Danny Wagner (Star Wars Episode I: the Phantom Menace)

A spokesman for LucasFilm said that they were “quietly confident” of picking up the Oscar at the award ceremony on March 26.

Latest in Cat Prevention

Written by: ChilliBear Published on: 11 Feb 2000

We are pleased to be the first news source anywhere in the world to bring you the latest in anti-cat prevention methods.

We interviewed it’s creator, Professor Luther Robertson, of the University of West Belfast:

DFTFC: Professor, can you tell us a little about this amazing new invention.

Prof: The Cat-Trap, (patent pending) is the most sophisticated and efficient method of cat control since the air rifle was first invented. It is both easy to operate and clean and tidy, I also find it very unobtrusive in the garden.

DFTFC: In our own tests we found that it left quite a mess, when the cat was, err removed.

PROF: Yes the basic model does leave a little to be desired there, but the advanced model has its own cleaning system - which is a vast improvement.

DFTFC: ahh - good. We also found that it was prone to catching small rodents, and on one occasion a child.

PROF: Pah, a minor bug, that will be ironed out shortly.

DFTFC: Could you explain to us in terms an American would understand, how this machine actually works.

PROF: Basically when the cat steps into the trap (lured there by cat smells) a sensor is triggered and the jaws clamp shut with a force equivalent to 20kg of TNT.

DFTFC: We said in terms an American could…forget it. Thank you professor.

PROF: No thank you, and can I just say what a wonderful web site you all run.

Well there you have it from the mouth of the creator of the Cat-Trap. Here at DFTFC we intend to get a couple of these to put in our office gardens. The Cat-Trap will be available in DIY stores around the world from March, retailing at a mere $80, nothing if you consider for a moment the benefits of removing moggies form your premises.

Teletubbies - Genetic Experiment Gone Wrong

Written by: Hungry Caterpillar Published on: 09 Feb 2000

Drink From The Furry Cup (DFTFC) has received exclusive documents from inside the BBC relating to the secret history of the Teletubbies. Our source from within the BBC, Alfred Packer of the Children’s department, wishes to remain anonymous brought this exclusive tous.

The story starts back in 1984 when a project funded by the British Government to genetically clone a human being. “In the early stages the project was amazingly successful” says Professor John Simmons of the University of East Anglia who was head of the project. “Up until the second week of gestation the cloned foetus were growing perfectly in the artificial womb, this was when we first noticed the initial development of the abdominal cathode ray tube.”

It is now known the mutations that the Teletubbies posses are a common stumbling block in the field of genetic cloning. In Scotland there are flocks of multicoloured sheep with Televisions in their stomach and weird pointy things on their head, that were accidentally made before the first genetically cloned sheep was created.

After four attempts the project to create a genetically cloned human was abandoned as it had become too expensive. The four by products were moved to a farm in Yorkshire. “We were treated like animals” said Goranak the Mighty, who is known on as Tinky Winky on the show. “We were kept in a large pen with only water to drink and only the rats and rabbits that wondered into the pen to eat.”

The four Teletubbies remained there until 1996 when the British Government decided that it was costing too much to keep them as they were. The problem was handed over to the Government’s Ministry of Truth of which the BBC is a subdivision. “It was an amazing plan”, says Darren McDonnell head of BBC’s children’s department. “We needed to keep these creatures from the press whilst getting them to earn enough money to keep themselves. The best place to hide them it seems was in the open. We just paid some actors to pretend that they were playing the part so the press wouldn’t get suspicious. It was obvious that if marketed properly these brightly coloured creatures could easily appeal to children. We simply get them to act silly for half an hour each day, film it and watch all the money roll in from the merchandise and we would have got away with it too if it wasn’t for you meddling kids.”

We spoke on the phone to Laa-Laa who prefers to be known as Molrock the Indestructible. He told us that conditions on set were barbaric. “Along with the camera crew there are ten people with electric cattle prods making sure we follow the directors instructions. After filming we are returned to our cramped cages where we wait for the next days filming to start.”

“We are Human Beings” claimed Molrock the Indetructable “and we deserve to be treated as such. Despite the fact we look different we still have feelings and emotions and all that baby talk we do on the show is so demeaning. We’re not stupid I have an IQ in excess of two hundred.” When I asked Molrock the Indestructible why he did not work out a way to escape if he was so intelligent the phone line went mysteriously dead.

Unfortunately we were unable to reach the other two Teletubbies, Vzrxbclr the Vowel Hater (Dipsy) and Nurglit the Snooker Table (Po) for comment.

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