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Quintessential Quote

It doesn't matter if your on the right track, if you don't move, you'll get run over

Pick of the Best

Past Poll

Should baby Zoe the newborn Spawn of Sean have her name spelt with an umlaut or not?

  • Yes, above the 'o'
  • Yes, above the 'e'
  • No
  • What the fuck is an umlaut

AOL 5.0 Reviewed

Written by: ChilliBear Published on: 07 Feb 2000

With the release of the all new and improved AOL version 5, I thought a quick review of the latest and greatest in coffee mats may help you to decide which free cover disc to choose.

AOL5 comes in an attractive silver cardboard container (to keep the coffee mat clean in transit), once opened you are greeted by a clean shiny cd with the catchy “All New!” logo, well I should hope so - the last thing I want is a daft “All Old! And Bug-Ridden” catchphrase. Anyway on with the review.

I used a Compuserve 2000 cd as a reference CD, in past tests this cd has proved is robust and solid design, (besides I was curious to see how two CDs from the same company compared)

  • Each cd was subjected to three days of intensive coffee mat usage.
  • Coffee was also deliberately split on each mat.
  • Each cd was then tested to see if it still worked…

After the first day the AOL5 cd was looking good, and still very shiny. nice

On the second day the AOL5 cd had suffered more damage…

But disaster for the Compuserve2000 cd, after only two day of use look at the mess!

The final test was to let the mats loose on some of the development staff here… three out of the five staff thought that the memory requirements for the AOL5 cd were very low, bob said “I found it very easy to spot on my desk and had only to use a little brain power to place my mug there, I give it 4/5”. The phrase “Its so easy to use” on the front cover of the AOL5 cd seems to be born out with only one of our five failing to get their mug on the cd… this is very good compared to the 4 of the staff which completely missed the Compuserve2000 mat.

So in conclusion: I would recommend this new version for your coffee mat, its attractive on the desktop and simple to install and use. So far I have been using this mat for a week and it has only crashed onto the floor once! (and that was Spunk-Monkey’s fault) The Compuserve2000 cd on the other hand I threw out of the window when it started growing fungi. Hey go on after all AOL have put a lot of work into creating the perfect piece of plastic to put your hot drinks on.

<strong style='font-size: 2em;'>8/10</strong>
<strong style='font-size: 2em;'>3/10<strong>

Longest Ever Pregnancy Ends After 257 Months

Written by: Sean the Irish Bastard Published on: 04 Feb 2000

Late last night a woman from Fort Worth, Texas finally gave birth after a record breaking pregnancy of 21 years and 5 months. At 23.56 EST, Mrs Carol Hole, 48 finally gave up the son she has been gestating since late August of 1978. The son weighed in at 184lb 5oz, and when slapped by Dr. Montgomery White said “For f☣☣☣’s sake, quit it!” and slapped him back.

Dr White, 52 had been following and documenting Mrs. Hole’s pregnancy since the beginning, with the aid of some remarkable photographs at every stage from conception to birth. It is believed that the extra-ordinary length of pregnancy was caused by a combination of experimental IGF treatment and some “really weird shit” Mrs Hole took at a Grateful Dead concert. The remarkable picture below shows the home birth as captured by Dr. White, who has been lodging with the Hole family since last September when Carol first went into labour.

The Hole’s new son, Peter, was actually named in 1983, a name which he had personally approved from within the womb. Peter had communicated from within with a series of lights kicks, and it is believed than he picked up english at a normal rate, and hadbeen waiting to talk to his parents since early 1981. Proud father Alan, 50 said “We’re so proud of him”.

Before retiring to bed for the first time, Peter announced his plans to write an autobiography tentatively called “My life in a Uterus”.

Official: Queen Mother is a Cyborg

Written by: Sean the Irish Bastard Published on: 02 Feb 2000

It has been revealed this afternoon that Her Majesty the Queen Mother has been declared the official status of “Higher Cybernetic Majesty”. In fact Her Madge is no longer to be regarded by the state as a human being, a consensus that is sure to lead to years oflegal wranglings.

The news broke shortly before 13.10 GMT, when a palace spokesman told a shocked crowd of tens of people that during her hospital stay of 1995 (for her 17th routine hip replacement), the Queen Mum had been declared dead when she admitted to surgeons that her heart had stopped beating in July 1986. The late royal then went for tea and muffins while senior staff at Addenbrooke’s Hospital, Oxford got in touch with a coroner, a QC and a mechanical engineer.

It transpired that the reason that no-one had noticed before was that Her Ma’amness had secretly had an artificial second heart fitted in 1984 (not the film). This early prototype was then replaced in 1992 by the same surgeon, Dr Toby De’Ath who the same year treated the Queen for her “anus horibillis”, and treated Fergie to a slap-up grill for two. Sadly he died in a tragic pogo stick related accident in 1993.

It was further revealed that since the mid-eighties Her Majesty has had approximately 60% of her body replaced by mechanised artificial parts. In fact she is entirely machine from the waist down. This news in turn has sparked furious debate amongst men (and women) of both law and philosophy. A government spokesman told us earlier that “although it’s early days, it looks like we’re going to have to refer to “Her” as “It”, the main reason being the replacement of genitalia with a small brass tap.” It is also to be decided how the law regards cyborgs with respect to census records, status and crime, although the Queen Mother hasn’t been banged up since Princess Anne’s hen night, when she threw a bottle at a policeman before asking if he “wanted some”.

Hello !

Written by: ChilliBear Published on: 01 Feb 2000

Welcome to the Furry Cup, we are launching this sight properly some time next week, until then there isn’t too much content online. But when we do go live wow ! You will be impressed.

So tell your friends about the site, and visit us next week, go on you know you want to. Until then just keep hitting refresh to give us more hits :)

See you soon…


The Patriot

Written by: ChilliBear Published on: 05 Jan 2000

I'll never fight I have a family Our movie takes a look at the American war of independence, seeing that war through the eyes of widower Benjamin Martin and his family.

The film begins with the state of South Carolina about to join the war against the British, Benjamin Martin (Mel Gibson) argues against fighting, having seen what war can do to men during his infamous service during the French and Indian war. However the town decides against him and South Carolina joins the war.

Benjamin’s eldest son, Gabriel (Heath Ledger) enlists despite his father’s misgivings and life would appear to return to normal for a while. However all is to change when his own house is burnt down and the British Green Dragoon commander Colonel Tavington (Jason Issacs) kills one of his seven children.

Well okay, just one small battle - if you insist Benjamin now packs the children off to his wife’s sisters where they will be safe until the movie plot calls for them to be endangered again. Free of his children there is nothing stopping our hero forming the locals into a guerrilla combat unit to harass the local British general Cornwallis’ (Tom Wilkinson) army. He then goes on to almost single-handily win the war for the Americans‡ - well what did you expect he is Mel Gibson.

So my opinion of the film then? Well the actual movie is most enjoyable and you shouldn’t notice as the time flies by (three hour movie). However the feel of the movie is a little too much like “The last of the Mohicans” (1992), and I feel that “The Patriot” suffers because of this (sorry The last of the Mohicans was better). The general flow if the film was a little predictable, for example within two seconds of meeting our villain we know he must survive for a final apocalyptic battle with Mel.

Visually the movie was very good, and the images of warfare were gritty and realistic (of course if you’re a named character you can expect to survive a wound long enough to rattle off a death spiel) enough to make you squirm occasionally.

Tavington - Me, A nasty piece of work - surely not! Arrr well onto characters then… Firstly our chief villain the British Green Dragoon commander, Colonel Tavington; well isn’t he a nasty piece of work, but what do you expect after all he is the chief protagonist. A rather modern character who doesn’t follow the rules of war, much to the continued annoyance Cornwallis and I’m sure all his victims!

Now our hero Benjamin Martin. Well he a man who has seen horror, “O’ the horror, the horror”, during the war with the French, and he is now a hero because of the rather unsavoury things he did then. Still he does show some reserve before leaping into battle, and seems primarily a ‘family man’. On a more personal note; what is it with Mel Gibson and movies in which British chaps get a right kicking? Is it just me or has Mel Gibson been in just about every movie to feature the Brits losing a battle, Braveheart for example features Mel happily wading into Brits with a giant sword. Never mind, just my tupence.

Hmmm, well just time for a quick roundup of the rest of our usual suspects. We have Gabriel, who I believe is the ‘Patriot’ of who the movie title is taken. He is our general headstrong young fellow who is more like his father than he would care to admit. Aunt Charlotte (Joely Richardson) plays Benjamin’s wife’s sister and is the blatant love interest for Benjamin the second her corset encased heaving bosom appear on set. She does play a reasonably strong character, but at the end of the day this is a bloke movie and hence her role is not the strongest. The rest of Benjamin’s troops are mostly old soldiers, without too much of a part to play.

Should you go and see it? I would say if you’re at the theatre then by all means go and watch it, and you will enjoy it, but don’t go out of your way to watch it unless you’re a big Mel Gibson fan.

‡ That was not a spoiler, any fool know who won the American war of independence.

Donkey cart

Written by: Published on: 01 Jan 0001

Donkey cart

  • His ability to wheelie made him the leader of the pack? - Beechey
  • Come on! I’ve seen Santa’s reindeer do it easily! - Beechey
  • does my bum look big in this?!? - le Rideur de la Fluxe 2002
  • ‘No boss, i cant see any good market pitches from here’ - YAKDung
  • Yet another reason Kellogg’s Pop Tarts should not be sent as relief aid. - manic marmoset
  • Look mum! No hands! - Soap on a Rope
  • FIRE SCUD DONKEY!!! - SpinnenMannlich
  • ‘yeah yeah guys! that gag just gets funnier and funnier. now put me down. - joe_curr
  • You should see the fat bastard that sits on him to balance it out - Lemonhead
  • I knew we over-did it with the sherry - Bruce Cobber-Fosters
  • The new ‘Buckaroo’ from Mattell seemed really life-like - Flick Beaner
  • ‘I Tell you, since Parcel Force has been privatised, service has just shot up!’ - A Tory Voter (the only one?)
  • ‘Yes, my company vehicle is a two-wheeler, with plentry of room in the back’ - Flick Beaner
  • Montoya, warming up before the next Argentinian F1 Grand Prix - Flick Beaner
  • ‘This time next year, Rodders, we’ll be millionaires’ - Flick Beaner
  • Jym (3:12) ‘….and the donkey did poo, and thus the balance was lost.’
  • The lead bullet smugglers in Afghanistan come across a fault in their scheme… - Paranoid Android
  • Buy them here flying donkeys a steal at 200 rupees - deadmeat
  • Vanessa Felts only got off to get a burger……… - Fugazi
  • ‘What? No I can’t see bin Laden hiding in the mountains!’ - Monique
  • The bollywood version of the film ‘Castaway’ was less expensive to make. - Timothy O’Fool
  • ‘think happy thoughts’
  • ‘muel punishment in india is too far’ say UN - Spudmonkey
  • Consignia on strike over muel wages - Spudmonkey
  • Pavarotti’s lunch was going to be late - scrumpydoode
  • Broken cart trap has stops Evil post stealin Donkey - Monkey breedin Maniac
  • Get your donkey on a stick here… donkey on a stick… - Young Vader
  • 5 mins for the kabab. its still raw - Neo lithic
  • I can see my house from here - Neo lithic
  • Does this make my ass look big? - Chips n Gravy
  • Karibul (right) lights touchcord for ‘Dynamite’, the first donkey canonball. - Funkygeek
  • Controversial new mule fertilisation procedure causes uproar in Afghanistan - Abdul Asheem Mohammed III
  • The yanks are coming. You’d better keep your ass down - Ash
  • So……. Howsabout them lawn gnomes… - Matt - aka the supreme ruler of all that smells of feces

Yeah you guessed it the majority of this site is copyrighted to us, © 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003 all the way up to 2014 so please don't pinch it. Obviously this is all in good humour if you don't think so then you don't have "good humour". This is of course only a sarcastic sceptical FICTITIOUS (yes thats right it's not real! - It's actually made up! - Welcome to the world of satire), view on life the universe and everyone in the public light... hey it's all supposed to be good fun... honest :)