A mad old satirical news site from the dawn of the Internet archived for posterity

Drink from the
furry cup

All the news without the kumquats


  • ChilliBear
  • Hungry Caterpillar
  • Sean the Irish Bastard
  • Spunk-Monkey
  • Winnie the Poo
  • Hoffin' Bigman
  • Helter-Skelter
  • Niloc
  • Saunders
  • Dai Laffin
  • Digger

Quintessential Quote

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Pick of the Best

Past Poll

Are you ignorant or apathetic?

  • I don't know
  • I don't care

Binary Weekend

Written by: ChilliBear Published on: 09 Nov 2001

The DFTFC office is looking very festive at the moment, in the run up to the celebrations for World Binary weekend, happening not unsurprisingly on 10.11.01 and 11.11.01. So as the world gears up for this festive season DFTFC take a look at some of the upcoming planned activities.

Fast food chain McDonalds have decided to price all their products in Binary for the day, thus putting the price of a Cheese Burger to 11001111 pence. they have also planned a new series of “Happy Meals” based on two exciting binary characters, 0 and 1.

gosh children they do look exciting... don't they!
gosh children they do look exciting... don't they!

Binary day is receiving strong Government support too with the British Government pledging to deliver this year’s budget report totally in Binary, we asked minister Gordon Brown why he had decided to do this:

“Well I’m personally hoping that by delivering the entire budget in binary I can confuse the general public into believing that I’m lowering taxes, and reducing fuel prices”. Well at least he honest. British schools are also joining in the fun of binary learning. We spoke to Sue Nortwest, a primary school teacher: “We’re following Government guidelines and dedicating the entire Numeracy hour for the next month to binary learning, the children are very keen and we see counting in binary as vital to their futures as l33t hacker types.”

err exactly.

Pop superstar Britney Spear is rumoured to be releasing a new single for the day titled “Bit me baby 0101 more times” sales are expected to reach 10011000100101101000000 by the end of the week.

Britney Spear's launching her new album
Britney Spear's launching her new album

There will also be several special sporting events happening. Special games of darts will held using specially modified board. Also a series of pokergames will be held using decks consisting of only aces and tens.

With all the fun and games planned everyone at the DFTFC offices is truly in a good mood, which makes a change! Even Spunk Monkey smiled yesterday as we put a giant inflatable sign on the front of the building saying

01000111011011110010000001100110011011110111 00100010000001100001001000000110010001110010 01101001011011100110101100100001

  • very witty I think you’ll agree :)

No just for a laugh and to fit in with the mood of the piece here is the entire story encoded in Binary… enjoy

010101000110100001100101001000000100010001000110 010101000100011001000011001000000110111101100110 011001100110100101100011011001010010000001101001 011100110010000001101100011011110110111101101011 011010010110111001100111001000000111011001100101 011100100111100100100000011001100110010101110011 011101000110100101110110011001010010000001100001 011101000010000001110100011010000110010100100000 011011010110111101101101011001010110111001110100 001011000010000001101001011011100010000001110100 011010000110010100100000011100100111010101101110 001000000111010101110000001000000111010001101111 001000000111010001101000011001010010000001100011 011001010110110001100101011000100111001001100001 011101000110100101101111011011100111001100100000 011001100110111101110010001000000101011101101111 011100100110110001100100001000000100001001101001 011011100110000101110010011110010010000001110111 011001010110010101101011011001010110111001100100 001011000010000001101000011000010111000001110000 011001010110111001101001011011100110011100100000 011011100110111101110100001000000111010101101110 011100110111010101110010011100000111001001101001 011100110110100101101110011001110110110001111001 001000000110111101101110001000000011000100110000 001011100011000100110001001011100011000000110001 001000000110000101101110011001000010000000110001 001100010010111000110001001100010010111000110000 001100010010111000100000010100110110111100100000 011000010111001100100000011101000110100001100101 001000000111011101101111011100100110110001100100 001000000110011101100101011000010111001001110011 001000000111010101110000001000000110011001101111 011100100010000001110100011010000110100101110011 001000000110011001100101011100110111010001101001 011101100110010100100000011100110110010101100001 011100110110111101101110001000000100010001000110 010101000100011001000011001000000111010001100001 011010110110010100100000011000010010000001101100 011011110110111101101011001000000110000101110100 001000000111001101101111011011010110010100100000 011011110110011000100000011101000110100001100101 001000000111010101110000011000110110111101101101 011010010110111001100111001000000111000001101100 011000010110111001101110011001010110010000100000 011000010110001101110100011010010111011001101001 011101000110100101100101011100110010111000100000 000011010000110101000110011000010111001101110100 001000000110011001101111011011110110010000100000 011000110110100001100001011010010110111000100000 010011010110001101000100011011110110111001100001 011011000110010001110011001000000110100001100001 011101100110010100100000011001000110010101100011 011010010110010001100101011001000010000001110100 011011110010000001110000011100100110100101100011 011001010010000001100001011011000110110000100000 011101000110100001100101011010010111001000100000 011100000111001001101111011001000111010101100011 011101000111001100100000011010010110111000100000 010000100110100101101110011000010111001001111001 001000000110011001101111011100100010000001110100 011010000110010100100000011001000110000101111001 001011000010000001110100011010000111010101110011 001000000111000001110101011101000111010001101001 011011100110011100100000011101000110100001100101 001000000111000001110010011010010110001101100101 001000000110111101100110001000000110000100100000 010000110110100001100101011001010111001101100101 001000000100001001110101011100100110011101100101 011100100010000001110100011011110010000000110001 001100010011000000110000001100010011000100110001 001100010010000001110000011001010110111001100011 011001010010111000100000011101000110100001100101 011110010010000001101000011000010111011001100101 001000000110000101101100011100110110111100100000 011100000110110001100001011011100110111001100101 011001000010000001100001001000000110111001100101 011101110010000001110011011001010111001001101001 011001010111001100100000011011110110011000100000 001000100100100001100001011100000111000001111001 001000000100110101100101011000010110110001110011 001000100010000001100010011000010111001101100101 011001000010000001101111011011100010000001110100 011101110110111100100000011001010111100001100011 011010010111010001101001011011100110011100100000 011000100110100101101110011000010111001001111001 001000000110001101101000011000010111001001100001 011000110111010001100101011100100111001100101100 001000000011000000100000011000010110111001100100 001000000011000100101110001000000000110100001101 010000100110100101101110011000010111001001111001 001000000110010001100001011110010010000001101001 011100110010000001110010011001010110001101100101 011010010111011001101001011011100110011100100000 011100110111010001110010011011110110111001100111 001000000100011101101111011101100110010101110010 011011100110110101100101011011100111010000100000 011100110111010101110000011100000110111101110010 011101000010000001110100011011110110111100100000 011101110110100101110100011010000010000001110100 011010000110010100100000010000100111001001101001 011101000110100101110011011010000010000001000111 011011110111011001100101011100100110111001101101 011001010110111001110100001000000111000001101100 011001010110010001100111011010010110111001100111 001000000111010001101111001000000110010001100101 011011000110100101110110011001010111001000100000 011101000110100001101001011100110010000001111001 011001010110000101110010001001110111001100100000 011000100111010101100100011001110110010101110100 001000000111001001100101011100000110111101110010 011101000010000001110100011011110111010001100001 011011000110110001111001001000000110100101101110 001000000100001001101001011011100110000101110010 011110010010110000100000011101110110010100100000 011000010111001101101011011001010110010000100000 011011010110100101101110011010010111001101110100 011001010111001000100000010001110110111101110010 011001000110111101101110001000000100001001110010 011011110111011101101110001000000111011101101000 011110010010000001101000011001010010000001101000 011000010110010000100000011001000110010101100011 011010010110010001100101011001000010000001110100 011011110010000001100100011011110010000001110100 011010000110100101110011001110100010000000100010 010101110110010101101100011011000010000001001001 001001110110110100100000011100000110010101110010 011100110110111101101110011000010110110001101100 011110010010000001101000011011110111000001101001 011011100110011100100000011101000110100001100001 011101000010000001100010011110010010000001100100 011001010110110001101001011101100110010101110010 011010010110111001100111001000000111010001101000 011001010010000001100101011011100111010001101001 011100100110010100100000011000100111010101100100 011001110110010101110100001000000110100101101110 001000000110001001101001011011100110000101110010 011110010010000001001001001000000110001101100001 011011100010000001100011011011110110111001100110 011101010111001101100101001000000111010001101000 011001010010000001100111011001010110111001100101 011100100110000101101100001000000111000001110101 011000100110110001101001011000110010000001101001 011011100111010001101111001000000110001001100101 011011000110100101100101011101100110100101101110 011001110010000001110100011010000110000101110100 001000000100100100100111011011010010000001101100 011011110111011101100101011100100110100101101110 011001110010000001110100011000010111100001100101 011100110010110000100000011000010110111001100100 001000000111001001100101011001000111010101100011 011010010110111001100111001000000110011001110101 011001010110110000100000011100000111001001101001 011000110110010101110011001000100010111000100000 010101110110010101101100011011000010000001100001 011101000010000001101100011001010110000101110011 011101000010000001101000011001010010000001101000 011011110110111001100101011100110111010000101110 001000000100001001110010011010010111010001101001 011100110110100000100000011100110110001101101000 011011110110111101101100011100110010000001100001 011100100110010100100000011000010110110001110011 011011110010000001101010011011110110100101101110 011010010110111001100111001000000110100101101110 001000000111010001101000011001010010000001100110 011101010110111000100000011011110110011000100000 011000100110100101101110011000010111001001111001 001000000110110001100101011000010111001001101110 011010010110111001100111001011100010000001010111 011001010010000001110011011100000110111101101011 011001010010000001110100011011110010000001010011 011101010110010100100000010011100110111101110010 011101000111011101100101011100110111010000101100 001000000110000100100000011100000111001001101001 011011010110000101110010011110010010000001110011 011000110110100001101111011011110110110000100000 011101000110010101100001011000110110100001100101 011100100011101000100000001000100101011101100101 001001110111001001100101001000000110011001101111 011011000110110001101111011101110110100101101110 011001110010000001000111011011110111011001100101 011100100110111001101101011001010110111001110100 001000000110011101110101011010010110010001100101 011011000110100101101110011001010111001100100000 011000010110111001100100001000000110010001100101 011001000110100101100011011000010111010001101001 011011100110011100100000011101000110100001100101 001000000110010101101110011101000110100101110010 011001010010000001001110011101010110110101100101 011100100110000101100011011110010010000001101000 011011110111010101110010001000000110011001101111 011100100010000001110100011010000110010100100000 011011100110010101111000011101000010000001101101 011011110110111001110100011010000010000001110100 011011110010000001100010011010010110111001100001 011100100111100100100000011011000110010101100001 011100100110111001101001011011100110011100101100 001000000111010001101000011001010010000001100011 011010000110100101101100011001000111001001100101 011011100010000001100001011100100110010100100000 011101100110010101110010011110010010000001101011 011001010110010101101110001000000110000101101110 011001000010000001110111011001010010000001110011 011001010110010100100000011000110110111101110101 011011100111010001101001011011100110011100100000 011010010110111000100000011000100110100101101110 011000010111001001111001001000000110000101110011 001000000111011001101001011101000110000101101100 001000000111010001101111001000000111010001101000 011001010110100101110010001000000110011001110101 011101000111010101110010011001010111001100100000 011000010111001100100000011011000011001100110011 011101000010000001101000011000010110001101101011 011001010111001000100000011101000111100101110000 011001010111001100101110001000100010110000100000 011001010111001001110010001000000110010101111000 011000010110001101110100011011000111100100101110 001000000000110100001101010100000110111101110000 001000000111001101110101011100000110010101110010 011100110111010001100001011100100010000001000010 011100100110100101110100011011100110010101111001 001000000101001101110000011001010110000101110010 001000000110100101110011001000000111001001110101 011011010110111101110101011100100110010101100100 001000000111010001101111001000000110001001100101 001000000111001001100101011011000110010101100001 011100110110100101101110011001110010000001100001 001000000110111001100101011101110010000001110011 011010010110111001100111011011000110010100100000 011001100110111101110010001000000111010001101000 011001010010000001100100011000010111100100100000 011101000110100101110100011011000110010101100100 001000000010001001000010011010010111010000100000 011011010110010100100000011000100110000101100010 011110010010000000110000001100010011000000110001 001000000110110101101111011100100110010100100000 011101000110100101101101011001010111001100100010 001000000111001101100001011011000110010101110011 001000000110000101110010011001010010000001100101 011110000111000001100101011000110111010001100101 011001000010000001110100011011110010000001110010 011001010110000101100011011010000010000000110001 001100000011000000110001001100010011000000110000 001100000011000100110000001100000011000100110000 001100010011000100110000001100010011000000110000 001100000011000000110000001100000010000001100010 011110010010000001110100011010000110010100100000 011001010110111001100100001000000110111101100110 001000000111010001101000011001010010000001110111 011001010110010101101011001011100010000000001101 000011010101010001101000011001010111001001100101 001000000111011101101001011011000110110000100000 011000010110110001110011011011110010000001100010 011001010010000001110011011001010111011001100101 011100100110000101101100001000000111001101110000 011001010110001101101001011000010110110000100000 011100110111000001101111011100100111010001101001 011011100110011100100000011001010111011001100101 011011100111010001110011001000000110100001100001 011100000111000001100101011011100110100101101110 011001110010111000100000010100110111000001100101 011000110110100101100001011011000010000001100111 011000010110110101100101011100110010000001101111 011001100010000001100100011000010111001001110100 011100110010000001110111011010010110110001101100 001000000110100001100101011011000110010000100000 011101010111001101101001011011100110011100100000 011100110111000001100101011000110110100101100001 011011000110110001111001001000000110110101101111 011001000110100101100110011010010110010101100100 001000000110001001101111011000010111001001100100 001011100010000001000001011011000111001101101111 001000000110000100100000011100110110010101110010 011010010110010101110011001000000110111101100110 001000000111000001101111011010110110010101110010 001000000110011101100001011011010110010101110011 001000000111011101101001011011000110110000100000 011000100110010100100000011010000110010101101100 011001000010000001110101011100110110100101101110 011001110010000001100100011001010110001101101011 011100110010000001100011011011110110111001110011 011010010111001101110100011010010110111001100111 001000000110111101100110001000000110111101101110 011011000111100100100000011000010110001101100101 011100110010000001100001011011100110010000100000 011101000110010101101110011100110010111000100000 000011010000110101010111011010010111010001101000 001000000110000101101100011011000010000001110100 011010000110010100100000011001100111010101101110 001000000110000101101110011001000010000001100111 011000010110110101100101011100110010000001110000 011011000110000101101110011011100110010101100100 001000000110010101110110011001010111001001111001 011011110110111001100101001000000110000101110100 001000000111010001101000011001010010000001000100 010001100101010001000110010000110010000001101111 011001100110011001101001011000110110010101110011 001000000110100101110011001000000111010001110010 011101010110110001111001001000000110100101101110 001000000110000100100000011001110110111101101111 011001000010000001101101011011110110111101100100 001011000010000001110111011010000110100101100011 011010000010000001101101011000010110101101100101 011100110010000001100001001000000110001101101000 011000010110111001100111011001010010000100100000 010001010111011001100101011011100010000001010011 011100000111010101101110011010110010000001001101 011011110110111001101011011001010111100100100000 011100110110110101101001011011000110010101100100 001000000111100101100101011100110111010001100101 011100100110010001100001011110010010000001100001 011100110010000001110111011001010010000001110000 011101010111010000100000011000010010000001100111 011010010110000101101110011101000010000001101001 011011100110011001101100011000010111010001100001 011000100110110001100101001000000111001101101001 011001110110111000100000011011110110111000100000 011101000110100001100101001000000110011001110010 011011110110111001110100001000000110111101100110 001000000111010001101000011001010010000001100010 011101010110100101101100011001000110100101101110 011001110010000001110011011000010111100101101001 011011100110011100100000000011010011000000110001 001100000011000000110000001100010011000100110001 001100000011000100110001001100000011000100110001 001100010011000100110000001100000011000100110000 001100000011000000110000001100000011000000110001 001100010011000000110000001100010011000100110000 001100000011000100110001001100000011000100110001 001100010011000100110000001100010011000100110001 001000000000110100110000001100000011000100110000 001100000011000000110001001100000011000000110000 001100000011000000110000001100010011000100110000 001100000011000000110000001100010011000000110000 001100010011000000110000001100000011000000110000 001100000011000100110001001100000011000000110001 001100000011000000110000001100010011000100110001 001100000011000000110001001100000010000000001101 001100000011000100110001001100000011000100110000 001100000011000100110000001100010011000100110000 001100010011000100110001001100000011000000110001 001100010011000000110001001100000011000100110001 001100000011000000110001001100000011000000110000 001100000011000100100000001011010010000001110110 011001010111001001111001001000000111011101101001 011101000111010001111001001000000100100100100000 011101000110100001101001011011100110101100100000 011110010110111101110101001001110110110001101100 001000000110000101100111011100100110010101100101 001000000011101000101001001000000000110100001101 010011100110111100100000011010100111010101110011 011101000010000001100110011011110111001000100000 011000010010000001101100011000010111010101100111 011010000010000001100001011011100110010000100000 011101000110111100100000011001100110100101110100 001000000110100101101110001000000111011101101001 011101000110100000100000011101000110100001100101 001000000110110101101111011011110110010000100000 011011110110011000100000011101000110100001100101 001000000111000001101001011001010110001101100101 001000000110100001100101011100100110010100100000 011010010111001100100000011101000110100001100101 001000000110010101101110011101000110100101110010 011001010010000001110011011101000110111101110010 011110010010000001100101011011100110001101101111 011001000110010101100100001000000110100101101110 001000000100001001101001011011100110000101110010 011110010010111000101110001011100010000000101010 011001010110111001101010011011110111100100101010 00100000

I think you’ll agree it reads even better that way!

New Pop Sensations Unveiled

Written by: Sean the Irish Bastard Published on: 28 Sep 2001

Record producer Pete Waterman today introduced the newest pop group hoping to capture the hearts and pocket money of the nations hollow-headed youngsters.

According to Waterman, the idea behind the new act is a new spin on a tested formula:

“These boy and girl bands brought to fame over the last ten years or so have owed much of their success to the fact that image-wise, they tend to have multiple focal points. The days of real bands with proper musicians and a single charismatic frontman are well and truly over. Musical talent counts for nothing - the only proper bands whichsurvive tend to feature freak guitar players with silly names.”

So what is so revolutionary about this new act you may ask, we asked Waterman to elaborate:

“It was blindingly obvious that the success of Take That was that all the young girls had four different blokes to fancy - or five if you counted the ugly bastard that you could actually hear, whatever his name was.”

“The Spice Girls, scrubbers though they are, did the same for 12 year old boys, gay men and professional footballers. Then the men behind Sclub7 had the brilliant idea of getting girls and boys into the same group in an effort to double the potential fan base.”

Of course, 4 girls and 3 guys together have not generated double the RPS (revenue per single) of either of the aforementioned [groups]. They have done reasonably well - as the plummeting sales of substitute goods such as gobstoppers or the Beano have shown - but our marketing executives discovered that there were plenty of kids around who didn’t have an irrational crush on any of the pretty faces in Sclub7. Not even that lovely dark boy.

“And so we at PWL have taken the idea to the ultimate level: SCrub69 features thirty-four great looking guys and thirty-two girls, all aged between 16 and 73; the thinking being that there is someone there for everybody to fancy. Ergo - our entire target audience will become fans of the [group]. Oh yes, not wanting to alienate any weirdo minorities theres also a hermaphrodite, a dog and a donkey. And two members, Paul Renner and Melody Harris are both recently deceased, so necrophiliacs are catered for too.”

Some members of Sclub69 pose for a publicity shot
Some members of Sclub69 pose for a publicity shot

“Obviously given the three-and-a-half-minute song nature of the bubblegum pop industry, it has been difficult to feature each member of the [group] individually, but they all get to sing at least a quarter of a line each (a minimum of two words). The BBC promo version of LouReeds Perfect Day showed it could be done, we are just taking it one step further.”

Although the group have only recorded two songs together, the forthcoming single,

Sure and Pimple and a cover of the Suzi Quatro classic Can the Can, there have already been accusations that all the vocals were provided by a faceless bunch of bald ponytailed middle aged men from Staffordshire.

A video showing the vocals supposedly being laid down by the group in numerous studio sessions was shown to the press, and certainly appeared to show obvious miming to a backing track. Somewhat surprisingly, Paul and Melody’s miming skills were not as bad as some of the other members, and Bingo the dog was surely not really singing the first half of the line “I’ll be there for you darling” as was implied by the footage.

Pete Waterman says “all these allegations are totally and utterly [not true]. The music speaks for itself and were confident that SCrub69 will become the next big thing.”

The press were then introduced to Dean, Jenny, Mark, Olly, Wayne, Kim, Elly, Andreas, Rob, Kelly, Nige, Shelley, Dave, Kate, Bryan, Olivia, Mikey, Eddie, Lizzie, Tasmin, Terri, Ashley, Gail, Gerry, Debbie, Sarah, Dougie, Francesca, Phil, Melody, Bill, Rhiannon, Phoebe, Bobby, Garry, Claire, Dez, Marco, Erica, Nick, Sara, Darius, Emma, Helena, Riccardo, Rory, Margot, Annie, Karen, Doris, Glen, Kayleigh, Sean, Raymond, Helen, Lisa, Allan, Steve, Sally, Paul, Lily, Andy, Mark, Bingo, Tony, Maggie, Rick, Lesley and Hamill the donkey, who mimed (obviously) to a live backing track of their single before a rather predictable round of questions which we have just read about in the early editions.

It turns out that aside from a quick game of spot the corpse the Q&A was fairly routine stuff, and frankly not worth documenting here. Apparently Lily and Nick were wrongly identified as the dead members by the man from ‘the Sun’ who was shocked when they managed to answer his question “does imminent fame affect your attitude to being dead?” As for the dead pair themselves, they had nothing to say on the matter. So said the tabloids anyway. Obviously we had left during the song ‘performance’, as it was utterly atrocious. DFTFC predict they will be a bit hit with the youngsters of Britain and indeed the world.

Planet of the Apes

Written by: ChilliBear Published on: 13 Aug 2001

Movie poster The week before last whilst in Las Vegas I had the opportunity to see Planet of the Monkeys Apes on opening night. Well this being the Eye Candy section I thought I’d best do a bitch review of the thing, besides our UK readers won’t have seen the film yet - I promise not to spoil the rather obvious story :)

Well our story starts with some wizzy title graphics and then plunges us straight into deep space, err somewhere. Our hero (Wahlburg) works here with monkeys. Then in true Star Trek Voyager style a spatial anomaly pops up on the horizon, Wahlburg wants to rush off into the pretty swirling colours, but instead they send a monkey. Sure enough Wahlburg unable to let a monkey be the star of this movie hops in a ship to follow him. Que the crash on the “Planet of the Apes!”…

I'm not lost - honest Okay so Wahlburg wanders around looking lost for most of the movie, which is probably what most of us would do if we ended up on a planet ruled by monkeys who bear a striking resemblance to Helena Bonham Carter. Needless to say Wahlburg leads the escape of the Human slaves and they end up at the place where it all started for a big battle, a bit of ape love and a quick bit of science come religion. Like I said I’ll try not to spoil the story, but I will say that right at the end the chaps in the row behind us in the flicks (that’s the theatre/cinema if you don’t speak ChilliBear ) said “I bet it’s a horse” which cracked us up - okay I know you had to be there, but if you think “I bet it’s a horse” right at the end when Wahlburg is doing his wandering up the steps you might get the joke.

So what is the movie like from a technical point of view… Well the props and costumes/makeup are great (loved the Ape army tents), the movie does have a good realistic feel to it, however Ape city does just seem to be slapped down in the middle of nowhere. The different Apes are great, each has their own character and you can actually see the emotions on their faces (one up on Wahlburg then g). The orang-utan slave master is absolutely great - true comic genius. The Apes are a lot more monkey like than in the original they’re hanging off walls, running on all fours and bouncing of just about everything in the case of Thade (Tim Roth).

Charlton Heston has his little cameo playing a damn dirty ape - general Thade’s father. A nice touch and the film in general has lots of little references to the earlier movies, looking for them passes the time :)

Okay so did I like it? I would have to say yes. I enjoyed the film - no I didn’t think it was a great film, its a good action movie not a great deal more. The story is good, but the execution of that story leaves it a bit flat - it looks rather like they had all the right ingredients, but the cake just didn’t rise. Will I see it a second time (normally my test of a good film) - well I’m not going to go out of my way to see it again, but I wont object if I go again with other friends. Is the movie another Tim Burton classic - no. Actually I don’t think you would know it was a Tim Burton movie (apart from the very end of the film), it has hardly a touch of his normal comic book style fantasy gothic flavour to it - something I had hoped would make this film sufficiently different from the originals to make it stand completely on it’s own.

Anyway I’ve probably had enough of a bitch now, so I’ll leave things there. A final note for those of you who want to read the original novel, it was La Planete des Singes, a novel by Pierre Boulle.

Sean the Irish Bastard - The Next Generation

Written by: Sean the Irish Bastard Published on: 18 Jun 2001

It can be exclusively revealed today, in the wake of Father’s day, that Sean the Irish Bastard is set to have a little bastard of his own.

The poor unfortunate girl involved in this development, who cannot be named for reasons of embarrassment, is said to be in good health (at least physically). Of course there are no plans for marriage. As Sean explains: “how could we? This child will be a real Bastard - that is the most important thing here, right?”

The reasons behind these shocking events appear to be uncertain, but rumour has it that Sean was rather frustrated after losing out in an eBay bidding war for a newborn Canadian baby. “I just couldn’t stretch to the full tenner that the other bidder was prepared to stump up” he is said to have exasperated at the time.

At the time of writing, the pregnancy is into week 10, and the estimated date of delivery is January 10th 2002. Any further developments will be documented exclusively and extensively here on DFTFC, and in a world’s first, we hope to have WombCam™ up and running within a month.

Tipp-ex Soon To Be Extinct

Written by: Helter-Skelter Published on: 07 Jun 2001

The much loved house hold name Tipp-ex may soon disappear from our shelves as drastic declines in sales means the company is losing too much money to continue. Experts have put the diminished profits of the white fluid down to the increasing use of the paperless office.

The Tipp-ex company was established in 1918 when a trader called Robert Black decided to sell small bottles of white paint with his typewriters. These small bottles of white paint, originally and unsuccessfully called “Black’s correction paint” only later to be abbreviated to Tipp-ex, soon became Mr. Black’s only trade until his death in 1941. Robert Blacks grandson Mathew now internationally runs the company.

DFTFC spoke to Matt Black about what had happened to Tipp-ex: “Tipp-ex, like many products, has always thrived on human error” explains Mr. Black. “It all started after the First World War when having to retype something on a typewriter was too costly so it was more effective to block out mistakes and type over them again. My grandfather was first to really home the recipe for this kind of correction fluid and that’s why we are the multi-national company we have become. However, in the last nine months there has been a real growth in the use of the paperless offices. With all these computers with grammar and spelling checkers it was getting difficult to find a good honest mistake to use Tipp-ex for and now even thats gone because of all this e-mail and Internet rubbish. Documents being stored on computers and then posted down phone lines, how ridiculous is that! Our profits have plummeted, we haven’t enough money to carry on, not that anyone is going to buy it anyway. We are going the way of the slide rule!”

Due to the loss of use of products like Tipp-ex as well as Pritt Stick, photocopiers and printers many offices are bereft of those distinctive office smells. Glades, producers of household air fresheners, are marketing their new range of fragrances at the paperless office. Once again the refreshing smell of solvents or hot toning fluid can fill your office. Clark Brynn describes the range: “It is well known and it has been proven by experts that the constant smell of solvents relaxes office workers and inevitably makes them work better. All Glade have done is to bottle that smell in a refreshing, long lasting form because people just can’t do without the whiff of hot ink or glue.” And we at DFTFC couldn’t agree more.

Exclusive: NPL Breaks the Light Barrier !

Written by: Sean the Irish Bastard Published on: 14 May 2001

Physicists at the National Physics Laboratory in Twickenham, South-West London have succeeded in exceeding the speed of light. In what must be the biggest scientific breakthrough since the eight-track, the four man research team has neatly sidestepped Einstein’s theory of relativity and accelerated incident particles (hydrogen atoms) to speeds of above 3x10^8 m/s.

A fission-based cyclotron is augmented with a negative quark destabiliser, and the environment is given a pseudo-ambient temperature of absolute zero. Then a sole occupant hydrogen atom is heated to an actual temperature of over 10,000K within the pseudo-environment whilst it is subjected to a computer controlled tachyon polariser. This results in the passive acceleration of the hydrogen atom, which, when the polarity of the neutron flow is reversed gives an induced velocity of above light speed.

Team leader, Dr. Gustave Ravel was keen to explain to us the implications of this amazing breakthrough: “Basically we have achieved the super-acceleration of our incident particle by fooling it into thinking it is travelling much slower than it actually is”. From this we can only conclude that its ok to bend the laws of physics providing these laws don’t actually know they’re being broken. It’s also quite worrying that Dr. Ravel thinks that an atom has the power of thought in the first place.

Dr. Gustave Ravel
Dr. Gustave Ravel

“Unfortunately we are still limited to working on an atomic scale.” he added, “Our experiments show that to work with a larger subject requires an exponential increase in energy.”

He went on to show us some sums that he had done earlier, which covered several sheets of A4. The conclusion drawn was basically that in order to accelerate something the size of, say, a small hamster would require approximately the same amount of energy used to power the whole of Wales for one year. Ravel’s colleague Dr Piers de Lavison added that the government had turned down the NPL’s request that Wales be ‘turned off for a year’, and also that the NPL had rejected their subsequent offer of ‘the Isle of Man for a couple of months” as most of the people who live theredon’t use electricity, and those that do are called Nigel Mansell.

We then asked the team if this meant that time travel was now possible, as all science fiction reckons that Einstein’s law of relativity and the light barrier are the only things in the way of it. Dr. Ravel said we should ask his father, an executive on the project, who had initially suggested some of the scientific processes involved.

Ravel Sr.
Ravel Sr.

The old man introduced himself as “Professor ah, Justin Ravel”. When we asked him about his contributions, he said “they weren’t strictly all my ideas, I had a little help from a very close friend of mine.” Naturally we probed him further (although Spunk Monkey’s anal probe had been confiscated at the front gate), and asked him about the possibility of time travel, but all he added was “ask me in 20 years time”. We told him that we would do so if he were still around. He seemed to find this much funnier than he should have. Doing that funny old-man-laughing-into-his-beard thing, he refused to answer any more of our questions. The only thing left to do was to go down the pub with Dr. de Lavison, who turned out to be quite a wag.

Yeah you guessed it the majority of this site is copyrighted to us, © 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003 all the way up to 2014 so please don't pinch it. Obviously this is all in good humour if you don't think so then you don't have "good humour". This is of course only a sarcastic sceptical FICTITIOUS (yes thats right it's not real! - It's actually made up! - Welcome to the world of satire), view on life the universe and everyone in the public light... hey it's all supposed to be good fun... honest :)