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And now, in keeping with Channel 40's policy of always bringing you the latest in blood and guts, in living color, you're about to see another. First - an attempted suicide.

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Wimbledon Common Murder Blamed on Wombles

Written by: Hungry Caterpillar Published on: 28 Sep 2000

Tonight the third murder in as many days took place on Wimbledon Common. Police have announced that they suspect the murders were carried out by the militant wing of a group know as the Wombles. The Wombles, for a long time have been ardent protesters against littering on Wimbledon Common but traditionally their protests have been peaceful.

Wimbledon Common: An area of peace tranquillity and horribly gruesome murder.
Wimbledon Common: An area of peace tranquillity and horribly gruesome murder.

Mr Jason Hawk was the last person to see the latest victim. Mr Hawk told us he saw the victim seconds before he was killed. “I saw him seconds before he was killed” Mr Hawk told us, “He was walking along drinking a can of a soft drink containing vegetable extracts (which cannot not be named here for legal reasons). Just before I saw him walk behind a large bush I saw him throw the can, which no longer contained a soft drink with vegetable extracts, into the bush. Next thing I heard was a rustling noise from the bush followed by a scream.”

The dead man, whose name was Robert Polsen was described as high consumer of soft drinks containing vegetable products, by friends and family.

The militant Womble group who call themselves ‘The Real Wombles’ first came to public attention a year ago when they claimed responsibility for a series of bombings of fast food restaurants that surround the common. The group is believed to be led by a Womble known as Orinoco. Orinoco apparently became tired of the other Wombles peaceful protests, constant cleaning and ‘picking up the pieces to make something new’. Along with fellow Womble Tomsk he formed ‘The Real Wombles’ in order to take more direct action.

The bombing campaign ceased after the group realised that debris from the bombings was causing more mess on the common than the littering.

The Womble terror campaign
The Womble terror campaign

Earlier tonight Great Uncle Bulgaria once more condemned the actions of the group in a public statement. “I find the actions of these young Wombles to be totally irresponsible. Ive been carrying out these peaceful protests for almost fifty years now and although things haven’t got any better that does not mean we should change tactics. In fact in resent years the situation has got a lot worse but still we must continue. Hey hang on a minute.”

Local groups are calling for action from the government. Some want all the Wombles to be tagged so there position can be monitored at all times. Some want all the Wombles to be removed from Wimbledon Common Sealed in a box and dumped in the North Sea. As one local told us “They’re violent, dangerous and quite frankly they smell.”

Global Warming Solution

Written by: Hoffin Bigman Published on: 23 Sep 2000

As the threat of global warming increases, leading world ecological experts have held a 40-day conference in an attempt to solve the problem of global warming, the experts have whittled it down to just two viable solutions.

One solution would mean fitting cows, the main producers of green house gasses, with catalytic converters. A problem was discovered with producing such a device - they can only be made in luminous yellow plastic and this would change the look of the landscape of the entire planet forever!

The second simpler solution is to shift the British Isles closer to the equator as there is firm scientific evidence that the weather is always shit in England.

Complex detailed plan of the proposed movement of the British Isles
Complex detailed plan of the proposed movement of the British Isles

Shifting the British Isles would thus lead to a decrease in the temperature of the entire planet, thereby reducing global warming. There are also a number of additional bonus benefits to this solution.

  • Moving further away from France.
  • Closer to better holiday destinations.
  • Moving away from France.
  • We become our own continent and therefore get our own exciting coloured ring in the Olympic emblem.
  • The British Isles would be further from France.

The French would have to find another country to blockade, as they wont have the channel tunnel anymore as England wishes to keep the tunnel and perhaps extend it to Florida in a government-funded project. Which would of course keep to the budget set-aside for it.

The Americans are known to have held a conference to discuss how they could claim all t he credit for such a great idea to solve the problem of global warming; rumours are that there is a historically accurate film currently in production.

The Scots solve exam mess up

Written by: Helter-Skelter Published on: 17 Sep 2000

There are changes to be made to the Scottish education system after the mess they made of publishing results this year. The Scottish Qualifications Authority, not wanting to do anything like the English, already have different examination systems in place but want to change it still further. Earlier this year a new computerised system was put into action but they messed up. Results for standard and higher exams were not only late, but wrong and in some cases in a foreign language. In order to stop this happening again the Scottish Qualifications Authority are imposing new regulations to stream-line and simplify the result procedure.

Just as well I got an A in Swahili otherwise we couldn't read this.
Just as well I got an A in Swahili otherwise we couldn't read this.

We asked the Jock in charge to explain this to us.

“‘Ach well, we figured, you knoo, that if it were simpler to get results then we would neigh have the problem. Our wee boffins came up with the idea that if the students got their results on the way out of the exam room then we wouldn’t have to go through all this posting nonsense and wed be way ahead of the English by months.”

“The way well do this is by providing a large visual aid for the invigilator. Each student will go into the examination room one by one, sit in front of the examiner who will proceed to ask quick fire questions to the students, each correct answer giving the student a point and the higher the points the higher the grades. Good eh? Is neigh difficult to do and the student doesn’t have the stress of waiting around for weeks to see if they pass or fail.”

We asked the Education and Employment Secretary, David Blunkett, what he thought of the new method. “O’ Bloody hell, give them a government and suddenly they think that they are capable of doing everything by themselves. What on Earth possessed them to think of an idea like that. You do realise that it will just going to give the Welsh ideas now.”

David Blunkett MP most pissed off!
David Blunkett MP most pissed off!

Tests conducted on this new Jock method of examining show that it does work. Students who tried it out did get the right grade to coincide with their score on the test, it arrived on time, in Scottish and gave students a head start on the English for university placements. The Scottish Qualifications Authority failed to comment on whether the new exams actually gave the same grades as the old exams did.

“Of course the syllabus will have to change slightly,” Scottish Qualifications Authority chief executive Ron Tuck explains, “Arty subjects will obviously have to concentrate more on fact rather than on artistic expression, this is, however, good news for science which after all is the way forward. Besides neigh one can tell us what to do now, give them a few years and the English will catch up.”

Though DFTFC believed that this method of examination was in the experimental stages it would appear that the Scottish Qualifications Authority are ready to scrap their current system and go head with the new despite opposition from across the border. The Scottish reaction to this opposition was “If a man can neigh throw an eighteen foot log right around, in the air, then his opinion is neigh worth hearin’.”


Written by: ChilliBear Published on: 16 Sep 2000

Right well here goes for another editorial. I’ve actually been wondering what I can bitch about in this editorial, it’s just my luck that nothing has particularly got on my nerves over the last week or so - I don’t drive :)

So to pass the time until I think of something I’ve invested many hours of work into creating this exciting free gift for you our dedicated reader. Yes it’s a badge! All you need to do is cut around the dotted line and then fix a safety pin to the back and you can wear it with pride! Please note that we do recommend that you print this page first before cutting the badge our, Spunk-Monkey damaged three monitors here at the office before he realised.


Well I should really start bitching about something right around here, but I figured I’d just let everyone know what’s happening around the office today. Well We haven’t seen a great deal of ‘Winnie the Poo’ for a couple of days now and quite frankly we are beginning to get worried… If anyone sees him wandering around can they tell him to get his arse back in the office and do some work! Earlier this week I spent a productive day figuring out how to make Internet Explorer show a little icon of the Furry Cup in the address bar. neat

We found a new company that provide air hockey tables, since ours keeps breaking down when Spunk-Monkey and Hoffin’ Bigman use it. So that should keep us out of mischief. Well gosh hasn’t it been fun and busy this week!

Anyway let me just tell you what’s new on the site. We have a new webcam setup, and this one is amazing. DFTFC are proud to present the all new all singing (well not actually, but its reads better like that) CMWLOBFL Cam! For those of you are a little bit thick that stands for “Cable Modem With Lots of Blinky and Flashy Lights”. Yes we now have our other webcam pointing at a Cable Modem, fun or what!

There are a couple of new music reviews in the “Aural Pleasure” section, and I’ll try to get off my overpaid arse and write some new reviews for “Eye Candy”.

Thanks, and remember to spread the word about us!

America in the Red

Written by: ChilliBear Published on: 14 Sep 2000

Following the shocking news last week that American President Bill Clinton shook Cuban Leader Fidel Castro’s hand DFTFC have launched an investigation into what this could mean for America. Whilst the moment of the handshake was not recorded for prosperity on film DFTFC employed a talented team of 40 artist to recreate this photorealistic artists impression of the moment.

Artists impression of 'the moment'
Artists impression of 'the moment'

We asked our American corespondent Dougie B to speak to several officials from the Whitehouse about the matter. Mr Lewis Jordan told us that the current Clinton administration does not see this event as pertaining towards a commie friendly American government, and that everything was running just dandy. However we decided that this was perhaps too boring so we asked Dougie B to dig a little further into matters. After speaking to ‘some chap’ Dougie found on the street outside the Capital Building he gained the following exclusive.

The current Clinton administration is in fact carefully masterminding a plot to convert the ‘Land of the Free’ into a communist run nation! Yes that’s right every citizen will have to be treated equally and will have their fair share of the country’s wealth! Have you ever heard anything as dreadful as that!

Having forked out so much money on our team of talented artists we felt that it was only appropriate to make full use of them and we have created this artist impression of what the US flag may begin to look like within the year…

The future of the US flag? ‡
The future of the US flag? ‡

We decided to see what the two candidates currently running for president thought about our startling revelations… We received these two press statements.

“Why that commie bastard, I’ll kill the little son of a bitch, this wouldn’t have happened in my Dad’s days” - George W Bush.

“Comrades, the very thought that Mr Clinton is masterminding a plot to transfer power in America into communists hands is ridiculous, and if elected I’ll get the KGB, err I mean FBI to look into the matter immediately” - Al Gore.

‡ Yes we realise that the US flag normally has 50 ‘Hammer and Sickle’ logos on it, but our team of talented artists forgot that.

New Star Trek series to be launched

Written by: ChilliBear Published on: 10 Sep 2000

For months rumours have been running rife on the Internet over what will be the next spin off from the Star Trek universe. Will it be a fond trip back to the original Enterprise or a look at Starfleet Academy, well the wait is finally over and DFTFC are proud to be the first to let you in on an exclusive look at the pilot episode of…

In this the pilot episode we see a new crew onboard the USS Galilee, a Jehovah class starship and pride of the fleet.

The scene opens with a view of the bridge of the USS Galilee, offering us our first view of the cast to whom we are going to give so much of our TV time to over the coming months.

The bridge and crew of the USS Galilee
The bridge and crew of the USS Galilee

The first pilot episode offers us a deep insight into the crew and in particular Captain J T Christ, a figure who is often seen performing miracles of command throughout the pilot.

The story begins with the crew investigating a planet within the Alpha quadrant that four previous series and nine movies had failed to notice, the planet is inhabited by a peace loving race of innocents who are as yet untouched by the corruption of the outside world. This being the case the crew of the USS Galilee decides to break the Prime Commandment and beam down to the planet. Science Officer Simon Peters and Dr J Iscariot accompany Captain J T Christ. After simply explaining to the planet’s population that they have been transported down from the heavens by a magical energy transfer mechanism and that they roam about the heavens in a chariot without horses the inhabitants mistake our beloved crew for Gods!

Needless to say it only takes our heroes mere minutes to undo the damage they have done to this race, by interacting with it… and so the plot can continue. After some miscellaneous little adventures on the planet (which include Captain J T Christ befriending and making out with an excessively beautiful and innocent (yet voluptuous) blond with a beehive hairdo) disaster strikes! The Romanulans have landed on the far side of the village, obviously their battle cruiser, in orbit of the planet has been overlooked by the USS Galilee.

The Romanulans being bad guys with funny ears and noses also want to destroy Captain Christ and his loyal crew. Capturing Dr Iscariot they offer him twenty pieces of gold pressed latinum, he gives in and betrays Captain Christ and Science Officer Peters. Using the information gained from Iscariot the Romanulans find Captain Christ and after a brief (but reassuring snazzy display of special effects) succeed in killing our Captain! - Shock and dismay and a cue for a break for adverts, after the intermission we return to see our dead captain, Science Officer Peters has escaped at the last moment and is back onboard the USS Galilee. After about five minutes of umm’ing and arr’ing Peters comes up with a plan to bring the Captain back. This plan has “obviously” never been tried before, but is bound to work because we only have tens minutes of show left and this is only a single episode. The crew fire an inverse tachion beam into a spacial anomaly near to the planet which affects the subspace matrix of the planet and the life cell matrix of all living things and in the insert techno babble process brings the Captain back to life! - Easy when you know how!

Finally after a quick space battle with the Romanulan Battle Cruiser to use up the remaining episode budget the episode ends with the Captain and chief crew members all attempting to get into the final closing shot. Cue credits and music, with and closing voice over by the Captain.

This is Captain of the USS Galilee, our 7 season mission is to explore worlds missed by previous Star Trek series, to seek out new and exotically shaped women, to discover strange new races with funny noses and to boldly preach where no one has preached before…

We then see the USS Galilee zoom off into an industry standard lens flare effect. nice

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