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Old Woman Swallows Dog

Written by: Hungry Caterpillar Published on: 20 Aug 2000

An old woman was admitted to hospital earlier today after suffering from an acute case of indigestion caused by swallowing a dog.

The woman Mrs Eileen Clark, 83 described by friends as an old woman lives on a farm with her son. She swallowed the dog at 9am this morning and was admitted to hospital shortly after. The dog was a Boarder Collie called Shep that had been a family pet for many years.

before he was swallowed

We enquired as to why Mrs Clark had eaten the dog. It turned that she swallowed the dog to catch a cat she had eaten earlier. Imagine that, she swallowed a cat. She swallowed the cat to catch the bird. How absurd to swallow a bird. She swallowed the bird to catch the spider, which apparently had wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her. She swallowed the spider to catch the fly. Nobody knows why she swallowed the fly, perhaps shell die.

The hospital informed us that the old woman has now made a full recovery. When we managed to talk to her she told us that the dog seemed to have sorted out the cat problem however the dog was still causing her slight indigestion. Her planned remedy to this situation was to swallow a goat and if that didn’t work a cow possibly followed by a horse.

These comment have caused outrage in various hippy animal loving communities. Miss Julie Sparrow of the RSPCA told us I think this old woman’s attitude towards animals is disgraceful. They should not be used to catch other animals whilst inside the body. Has she never heard of indigestion tablets?

Various other people have expressed concerns over the old woman’s actions. Charles Kennedy commented, The old woman does not seem to realise the effect her actions might have on children. If they start swallowing various domestic and farm animals they could do themselves serious damage.

Charles Kennedy perhaps shell die
Charles Kennedy perhaps shell die

We at DFTFC think the whole thing is stupid. Why on earth did she swallow a dog? They don’t actually eat cats. And why on earth does she want to eat a goat to catch the dog? Goats don’t eat meat for f☣☣ks sake. Personally I think she is barking (Get it, she ate a dog, barking, mad…its funny, no really…oh bloody sod you then).

IRON MAIDEN - Brave New World (EMI, 2000)

Written by: Sean the Irish Bastard Published on: 18 Aug 2000

CD cover When Bruce Dickinson replaced original ‘Maiden vocalist Paul Di’anno in 1982, the band’s career skyrocked. After ten further years, Dickinson left the outfit at the height of its success leaving his band-mates to subsequently pick up the pieces with replacement vocalist Blaze Bayley. The reasons for the departure lay with Dickinson’s disenchantment with certain members of the band, a promising solo career and a desire to move on to pastures new.

After two rather patchy efforts with Bayley at the mic, bassist and founder member Steve Harris persuaded the disenchanted Dickinson (although he became one of the most popular acts in parts of South America!) to re-enter the fold. Along for the ride was guitarist Adrian Smith, who left in 1989 and had lately corroborated with Dickinson on his solo career.

And so it came to pass that Blaze Bayley buggered off (apparently resigned to his fate) and Iron Maiden recorded their twelfth studio album in twenty years with the dream line up: Dickinson, Harris, drummer Nicko McBrain and three guitarists: Smith, Dave Murray and Janick Gers (Smith’s replacement). So what of the results?

Well, to be honest there’s not that much new here as the title might suggest. However, there is certainly much to enjoy, and what you have is the classic Maiden style given a well deserved once over. The actual sound of the album is just fab, all credit to producer Kevin Shirley (Aerosmith, Black Crowes) there. And the energy put in to the recording really shows throughout. Do you really need three guitarists? Who cares? It works.

Certainly tracks like ‘The Wicker Man’ and ‘Brave New World’ are (although arguably formulaic) perfect single material (the Wicker Man in fact went top 10 in the UK - not bad for an ‘old’ band!), and evoke memories of 80s classics such as Aces High and Run to the Hills.

The songwriting on the album is of the usual high quality, although some of the later songs are less immediate, notably the closing track ‘The Thin Line between Love and Hate’ which lacks a real sense of direction. The other tracks grow on you though, and repeated plays reward the listener greatly. I would almost go as far as to say that the album is progressive in style, while still unmistakably metal, although there are a couple of places which resemble the plainchant guitar style of Steve Rothery from Marillion!

Of course where Maiden really excel (and I’m not talking about live performances here - that’s another matter entirely!) is in the high speed chorus and overkill power drive finishes, all present and correct on this disc. (Or discs if you’re into vinyl - full marks for the beautiful designs on the picture discs). What’s perhaps being explored on this album is the different ways of wrapping this sort thing up in different ways, and this is where the ‘new’ does come in (for instance ‘Blood Brothers’ contains a section which sounds distinctly Irish!) There are some gorgeous atypical sounds and themes on here, but don’t worry, the boys haven’t forgotten how they play best!

The fans will obviously lap this up, but if you don’t own any Maiden albums you could do far worse than start right here. All that remains is to hope the line up lasts, because the follow up could be even better than this. Very promising indeed.

Osmonds on the Loose Again!

Written by: Sean the Irish Bastard Published on: 17 Aug 2000

In a hurriedly prepared statement, it was announced late last night that three of the Osmonds have escaped from captivity.

The shock news comes just three weeks after a security scare which saw the temporary loss of Merrill and Jay Osmond from their maximum security compound in Las Vegas. The deceptively named “Osmond Family Theatre” has been their home since 1982 when the entire Osmond clan were locked away for life for their crimes against light entertainment. On the previous occasion the two brothers were found in the public section of the building running around in small circles in the ladies toilets, gibbering to themselves.

One of the guards first on the scene was 52 year old Bill Driscoll: “It was terrible. They both looked really scared and were making those funny noises. I guess it was one of their hit records or something, but it sounded a bit odd because Merrill was foaming at the mouth.” He adds: “It’s so sad when they get upset, but we have to keep them out of harm’s way. And I’m not a guard, I’m an Osmond Team Member”.

Jay Osmond is himself believed to have been the brains behind the latest furore, which also involves the disappearance of Marie and Jimmy “Not-so-Little-as-he-was” Osmond. The trio are believed to have grown weary after performing the same show for 6642 consecutive nights and legged it during the interval disguised as audience members.

In fact, for the last 18 years, the audience to their shows has been cleverly faked by installing 1240 well-tailored mannequins. Thus the Osmonds have been led to believe that they are still a popular act and get a full house every night. Fortunately, at least until recently, inbreeding has resulted in sufficient lack of grey matter, so they fail to notice that the audience is not real, looks the same every night and never moves. One is also left to assume that they are more than used to the amount of applause which could realistically be expected from a bunch of rather bored dummies.

Spokesman Rick Kytell says that the escape is the biggest headache in the history of the Osmond Family Prison (sic) since they had to extend the stage to make way for all the new Osmonds being born into the family in the late eighties. The theatre now holds 312 Osmonds, which averages 15 to a dressing room. Since 1991, the staff have been forced to keep them in drawers.

Mr Kytell went on to further explain his fears: “I have to say the real problem is that one of the three escapees is female, and Marie has a history of being a bit promiscuous with other members of the family. Seventeen of the next generation of Osmonds are hers, nine of which are said to belong to her brother Donny with whom she has had a questionable relationship since the seventies.”

“To be honest we’re worried about her and Little Jimmy. Also, since 1980 all Osmond births have occurred in captivity, and we’re worried about the survival of any new arrivals away from the nest.”

There was a well publicised attempt to breed two Osmonds in a Japanese Zoo in 1992, but as the Osmonds rarely perform away from America, it was unsuccessful. “This was of course in the days before Viagra” adds Rick.

The search continues…

Millions, but at what price?

Written by: Helter-Skelter Published on: 14 Aug 2000

Several recent investigations into the popular UK TV show “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?” have tried to answer the question “does anyone actually win?”. However no one has looked at the

true cost of winning 1,000,000. DFTFC now poses this question, what’s the catch?

We went to find out.

In order to enter ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?’ you must first ring a premium rate telephone number where simple details are taken and you are asked a general knowledge question (it only took us three attempts!). The few that pass this complicated test are put into a draw, the lucky ones are then selected to appear on the show.

If a member of the public is selected for the show they are given a short questionnaire asking insurance details, blood type, sexual history, etc. the usual sort of thing for a TV game show. However this is where DFTFC found the involvement of an outside organisation. In the questionnaire on the final line which reads “I hereby declare all the above statements to be true” instead of a full stop there is an additional very small text reading;

”…and upon receiving any money form ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?’ I leave my living body to the medical science of Monsanto.”

under which the contestant signs.

the dot itself
The evidence

Monsanto has always sought to advance the human race through such excellent modern wonders as DDT, Agent Orange, and genetically modified crops. They have succeeded in all but one area… the difficult task of winning “Quiz Shows”.

It is our belief that Monsanto may be using these people in its new “Ultimate Quiz Show Man” gene splicing program. By using the quiz show to select only the “best of the best” Monsanto can ensure that they receive only the top gene stock. The ultimate aim of this is to create a human being that will be the ultimate quiz show contestant, Monsanto can then use this person to bring in vast quantities of money from quiz shows across the globe!

DFTFC shocked by this cunning plan (and a bit pissed we didn’t think of it) interviewed Chris Tarrent, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’s host.

Chris Tarrent - Genetically Modified?
Chris Tarrent - Genetically Modified?

DFTFC: Do you realise that you are endorsing a program that takes innocent members of the public and conducts dubious genetic experiments on them due to small print?

CT: Take your time?

DFTFC: What?

CT: It’s a lot of money your playing for here… well your wife Sarah looks nervous?

DFTFC: My wife - who, hey look I asked you a question!

CT: Is that your final answer? Not B? Not C? Not D? You’re going for A?

DFTFC believe that Monsanto have already got to Chris. It is now up to the public to be aware of what hidden dangers can lie within TV quiz shows such as ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?’.

Government reviles new plans for Millennium Dome

Written by: Hungry Caterpillar Published on: 12 Aug 2000

DFTFC gained yet another exclusive this morning when we received a document relating to the future of the millennium dome. The document sets out what the government plans to do with the dome as of the end of this year when the current exhibition closes.

Unfortunately we all here at DFTFC are so sick of the stupid Millennium Dome that none of us could even be bothered to read the document. Despite the fact none of us have been there or even have a vague idea of whats in it, were all convinced that its rubbish. Everyone here is so sick about hearing people bitching about it that if it just disappeared tomorrow we really couldn’t care less. We performed a quick survey in the streets of London to see what the general public thought of the dome. These are the results we found:

53%: Told us to go away using various expletives.

22%: Didn’t speak English.

10%: Were in a rush and couldn’t stop.

8%: Asked if we could spare any change.

4%: Thought the Millennium Dome was some sort of hair loss product.

2%: Tried to mug us.

1%: Asked why Chillibear hadn’t rung her in so long, especially as the twins were teething.

A pretty conclusive survey I think you’ll agree! Another fact that has surprised many of people about the Dome is the lack of terrorist groups that have tried to bomb it to make some sort of political statement. We talked to a friend of ours called Jack the Sadistic Vicious Bastard leader of a terrorist group that we cannot name for legal reasons. Jack told us that his group had sent in a suicide bomber into the Dome to blow it up. Unfortunately the bomber had got so depressed by the contents of the Dome that he went to the bathroom and slit his wrists. Just in case the Governments proposals are as rubbish as we suspect that they will be. DFTFC have come up a few suggestions of our own for what should be inside the dome.

  • Change the Dome into a large Coliseum inside which Gladiators will fight to the death.
  • Seal the entire dome up and store it as a time capsule to be opened just before the year 3000. This will mean the people of the year 3000 will not have to build another one.
  • Denise Richards.
  • Life size model X-Wings that can be flown around by guests.
  • A museum commemorating the life of Keith Chegwin.
  • A large apology from all the people involved in making the Dome in the first place.
  • Sarah Michelle Gellar.
  • Another Dome. And then inside that another slightly smaller Dome. And inside that yet another even smaller Dome. And so on.
  • Luxembourg (It would fit).
  • Every piece of crap associated with Pokemon before the whole thing is sealed in concrete and dumped in the middle of the Atlantic.
  • Rachel from S Club 7.
  • Ten people and a load of hidden cameras.

So what is the future for the Dome then, who knows maybe we will end up selling it to Japan or something equally stupid!


Written by: Chillibear Published on: 12 Aug 2000

Welcome to DFTFC. Firstly I’d just like to apologise from all the editorial team about the frequency of updates over the past month or two, we feel you deserve an explanation. Basically it boils down to the simple fact that ‘Winnie the Poo’ was pregnant, yes we couldn’t believe it either (mainly because that would require him to have had sex with his girlfriend). This pregnancy upset the entire smooth running of the office and hence we just couldn’t think or type rubbish on our computers and to add to all that the Donut machine broke down three times!

Well now we’re back and ‘Winnie’ has had a baby poo, so things can return to normal. Yes that’s right its back to updates every-other day or so. Plus we have some wonderful new areas of the site that you can explore, excited - you should be…

First up is ‘Sean the Irish Bastard’s’ section of the site, aptly titled “Aural Pleasure”. Basically it where you go to get reviews both on the latest music and some classic greats.

Next we have “Eye Candy” Our brand new movie review section, here you will find reviews for movies both currently showing and some golden oldies.

Fancy a go at our new Caption Competition, its pretty obvious what you do there.

We have also decided to share our greatness with the rest of the world in the form of awards… that’s right we are going to be giving out some of the most coveted (well they should be) awards on the web… stay tuned.

So sit back with mouse in hand (nothing else - we’re not that kind of site) and enjoy the wonder that is to “Drink from the Furry Cup”

Yeah you guessed it the majority of this site is copyrighted to us, © 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003 all the way up to 2014 so please don't pinch it. Obviously this is all in good humour if you don't think so then you don't have "good humour". This is of course only a sarcastic sceptical FICTITIOUS (yes thats right it's not real! - It's actually made up! - Welcome to the world of satire), view on life the universe and everyone in the public light... hey it's all supposed to be good fun... honest :)