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Bush in power for 24 hours, World War III still hasn't started.

Written by: Hungry Caterpillar Published on: 22 Jan 2001

Like most people we were expecting to wake up this morning to the chilly blasts of a descending nuclear winter. However everyone was surprised to find that despite expectations US President George W Bush has managed to complete his first twenty-four hours in power without declaring war on anyone. Well except for Tabs the White House cat and that ended after Tabs finally surrendered to Bush’s slipper and submitted to US imposed sanctions.

citizens have been preparing for nuclear winter since the recounts.
citizens have been preparing for nuclear winter since the recounts.

We spoke to our secret White House insider, security guard Dwain Thomas to find out what was going on. “Well did have a bit of a scare before lunch when the President decided to invade Idaho. However once we explained to him that Idaho was already part of the USA he eventually backed down.”

In an attempt to stretch this article out into more Bush bashing (no not that sort of bush) we decided to take a look at some of George W Bush’s better known polices. Mr Bush is well known for his support for a new Star Wars ICBM defence screen for the US, however because George Lucas has threatened to sue the US government they seem to have backed down. After briefly contemplating calling it the ‘Battlestar Galactica Defence System’ or the ‘Fireball XL5 Defence System’ they eventually went for the more catchy “National Missile Defence System”. Mr Bush is yet to comment on the impact he sees this plan having on the rest of the world (that would be those other bits that are outside the USA), although DFTFC have prepared this illustration that we think sums up the matter fairly neatly.

The glorious future of the Anglo-American relationship.
The glorious future of the Anglo-American relationship.

A slightly less radical plan that Mr Bush has proposed after being in power for a mere twelve hours was revealed to us by Defence Secretary, Donald Rumsfeld.

“Well you see Mr Bush has just revealed his plans to me about draining the world’s oceans to increase the speed of ground troop deployment. I think it’s a well thought out approach to the problems we face using Ocean going troop ships. I’m sure we won’t have any problems disposing of the water, I mean the Oceans can not be that big, we’ll just empty them down the drain.”

The world continues to wait for the inevitable moment when Mr Bush wanders into the office one morning and says, “hmmm, I hadn’t noticed this little button labelled ‘nuke’ before - wonder what that does…“ We will leave you with this thought from Mr bush.

“When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly who they were… It was us versus them, and it was clear who them was. Today, we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they’rethere.”

Britain poorly represented at the International Suicide Cult Convention

Written by: Hungry Caterpillar Published on: 09 Jan 2001

This week sees the start of the third annual International Suicide Cult Convention in Seattle. The International Suicide Cult Convention is an annual meeting place for religious zealots from around the world to come together to discuss such matters such as “Which is the one true faith?”, “When exactly is the Time of Deliverance going to be?” and “What is the best way to distribute cyanide around a congregation?”.

This year however there has been a lot of talk about the lack of participation from British cults. In previous years a large group has represented Britain called ‘The Celestial and Cosmic Wottsits, unfortunately they all killed themselves last June.

Typical suicide cult members
Typical suicide cult members

Only one small group has attended. Known as ‘The Children of the Second Coming of Sid James’, the cult has been criticised on many occasions for its lack of commitment, as none of them are in fact dead. We asked the leader of the ‘The Children of the Second Coming of Sid James’, Father Umbongo (formerly known as Walter Craddock) why he wasnt dead yet? He told us “We at The Children of the Second Coming of Sid James take a more long term view of suicide. I regularly smoke, drink and eat fatty foods all of which should ensure Ill be dead before Im fifty.”

We spoke to Sir Samuel Fortesque Patrick, Minister of Religion and Dairy Products, and asked him what he intended to do about the situation. “The main problem, as we see it, is children are brought up from a very young age to believe that Suicide Cultists are a bunch of mad freaks. Now this is most clearly terrible discrimination. Children need to be taught that whether or not to join a suicide cultis an important decision everyone must make sometime in their life.”

“For years we’ve been teaching children in school about the bible” he went on. “Now we are going to add sections to the curriculum to teach kids who to deliberately misquote the bible and twist it to prove whatever mad scheme you can come up with.”

“The Americans and Japanese are always very well represented at these events. I think I future we need to be aiming for their level of inbred self destruction.”

For more information on what may drive people to commit suicide click here.

Parky Has His Revenge

Written by: Helter-Skelter Published on: 20 Dec 2000

Last night on popular BBC talk show ‘Parkinson’, hosted by Michael Parkinson, the nation looked on in horror as Mr. Parkinson brutally assaulted loveable, nappy wearing bird, Orville. Performers and songwriters Keith Harris and Orville appeared on the ‘Parkinson’ show to promote their new album of re-mixed hits Keith Harris and Orville: Re-Feathered’.

Parky: mauler of birds
Parky: mauler of birds

The incident happened just moments after Keith Harris and Orville were introduced on to the program. After Parkinson sat down having welcomed the double act he proceeded to stare directly at Orville and then for no apparent reason launched himself at the green bird. While Michael Parkinson attacked Orville he repeatedly creamed: “Not another puppet, not another fucking bird, you won’t get me this time.” The producers and BBC security eventually pulled Mr. Parkinson away from Orville.

A spokesperson for the ‘Parkinson’ show gave DFTFC this statement: “Mr. Parkinson deeply regrets any harm he may have caused to Mr. Harris or his puppet. Mr. Parkinson suffered a very traumatic experience at the hands of the late Rod Hull and his puppet Emu. The BBC thought it was safe to allow Mr. Parkinson to come in contact with other ‘bird puppets’ again considering the time but regrettably we were wrong.” Orville suffered major damage and quite severe plucking from the attack and Keith Harris suffered from a fractured right hand.

DFTFC managed to obtain an exclusive interview with Keith Harris:

Keith Harris: I was very pleased to be invited on the ‘Parkinson’ show. Orville and I were there to plug our new album of re-mixes of our old hits. It wad a very exciting project working with the likes of Norman Cook, the Prodigy, Tall Paul and the Chemical Brothers to produce an album of our former hits in a modern style. I had quite an intensive schedule of promotion to do with Orville but I guess that will have to be postponed to a latter time.

DFTFC: This is rather good publicity though.

KH: Yes, but this was a very harrowing experience.

DFTFC: Good, tell us about it.

KH: Well, I went on the set, sat down with Orville and Michael just look as though something had snapped, then he started battering us, well, Orville.

This is not the first incident to involve the ‘Parkinson’ show in recent times. There was the spitting fiasco with Dame Thora Hird, the BeeGee’s stormed off his show just like they did on Clive Anderson’s show a year ago saying: “At least that bald twat could keep us occupied for more than five minutes.” and on his previous show Michael Parkinson completely failed to tell David Beckham what a stuck up cunt he is. All that adds up to serious questions being asked over whether bringing back the ‘Parkinson’ show purely because everyone remembers the Emu thing was a good move by the BBC. It is quite evident that Michael Parkinson’s mental state is also under investigation.

‘I Wish I Could Fly (Goldie re-mix) and ‘Keith Harris and Orville: Re-Feathered’ will be in the shops in the New Year.

Aural Pleasure - Radio Head - **Kid A**

Written by: Helter-Skelter Published on: 17 Dec 2000

CD cover We can all breath a sigh of relief, the world isn’t going to end. Civilization is no longer about to crumble from the pressure of corporation and capitalism. Mechanisation and murderous transportation isn’t going to take us over. The laws to lead fitter, happier and more productive lives are no longer set. Well, maybe they are but at least Radiohead have stopped singing about it! Life may now look a bit brighter, unless of course, you are Thom Yorke.

Thom Yorke, the singer and main songwriter of Radiohead is now moaning about the fame. Someone with all that money and you’d think they would be happy and more productive but after the huge success of OK Computer Thom Yorke wanted to disappear completely and never be found. The expectation was enormous, for two years after OK Computer Radiohead produced no new material, the band fell apart and Thom Yorke had to start again. He rebuilt Radiohead with the same people, who all wanted to make different albums but if anything were to be done it would done be Thom’s way. From recording sessions in four different studios across the UK and Europe, Kid A was born. Around thirty songs were recorded and ten songs were curiously selected for Kid A, an album that would be done differently. No singles are to be released, radio stations are told they can play any track they like, no promos or advertising only 10-40 second ‘blips’ of animation by the artists who worked on the album sleeve.

As for the album itself it is very good but not exceptional. There are good tunes, Everything In Its Right Place and How To Disappear Completely, describing best Thom’s mental situation after OK Computer, are the closest it gets to the old formula. Motion Picture Soundtrack is a beautiful song but having heard it played better live kind of spoils it and the same can be said for The National Anthem and Optimistic when they are played in a more raw form (see internet sites for MP3’s). Guitars are use in abundance on half the tracks like the rhythm of In Limbo that collapses around you. Parts of Kid A seem a little messy and far too sporadic like the title track, the emphasis being on doing something that they haven’t done before sounds chaotic and directionless. Radiohead felt that they can’t just do acoustic guitar tracks like those on The Bends, a sound that has been destroyed by the likes of Travis, instead a song like Mourning Bell is organ driven and only a slight hint of guitars. Streamlining out guitars and adding voice manipulation, recorded loops and broken beats make songs that are distinctively Radiohead seem strange and it takes some getting used to though the album isn’t as electronic as we are led to believe. The packaging is very Radiohead, having to rip open part of the box to get at some of it is something I learnt from OK Computer.

It is true that Kid A lacks some of the really catchy tunes which they have written recently and regularly play live (again see internet esp. Knives Out, Egyptian Song and Lift) which presumably will appear on the next record that the band are rushing to put out by February next year. This might be a move back to a more commercial type of album. Another Kid A track worth mentioning is Idioteque, despite it’s Aphex Twin label (I had actually written it off long before hearing it) it is probably the best made songs on the album. This is a worthwhile album and I will enjoy it and unfortunately the trendy students will buy this. It’s not quite the high standard of The Bends or OK Computer, we’ll just have to wait until February for that and poor Thom Yorke is still going to be famous whether he likes it or not.

BADLY DRAWN BOY - The Hour of Bewilderbeast (Twisted Nerve, 2000)

Written by: Helter-Skelter Published on: 16 Dec 2000

CD cover It seems weird when people say about Badly Drawn Boy, “Who are they?” because I have always known that Badly Drawn Boy is the music of one man, Damon Gaugh. So the first questions should really be, “Who is Damon Gaugh?” and “How did you know about this stuff?”. Well ‘The Hour of Bewilderbeast’ is the first album by Badly Drawn Boy however this is by no means the first material he has produced. Damon Gaugh has previously worked with James Lavell (the UNKLE album ‘Psyence Fiction’ being the first I heard of Badly Drawn Boy on a song called Nursery Rhyme), had a song preformed by Mark E Smith (amongst others who I don’t exactly know) and has self produced a series of critically acclaimed EP’s recorded from his bedroom. Observation number one must be that for a debut album his musical experience really shows.

With eighteen tracks ‘The Hour of Bewilderbeast’ may seem a long album but there are certain things that grabs your attention on the first listen, namely the first two tracks. The album opens with “The Shining” starting with a mellow French horn and cello section which echoes throughout the song and like a lot of the album the music is primarily Gough and his acoustic guitar. This first song draws along to it’s conclusion pleasantly and then, like album that have been well thought out should do, it breaks from melody to riff. “Everybody Stalking” is the other side to Badly Drawn Boy with a classic electric guitar riff of the fast paced bouncy rock variety. After that the album totters along one way or another. About twenty minutes in you are hit again with the climatic start of “Another Pearl”, the first single that preceded the album. After this it’s not so dramatic, a few lyrics stick out here and there like “Disillusion” but it’s the melodies that are instantly hum-able that really draws you in.

On closer inspection a definite out-door feel crops up time and time again as if Badly Drawn Boy is glad to get out of his bedroom. Song titles run along similar themes like three consecutive tracks; “Fall in a River”, “Camping Next to Water” and “Stone on the Water” as if Badly Drawn Boy is trying to take you from place to place but frankly that just annoys me. However, not to draw away from the fact that the latter is a wonderful song and is akin to a lot of the album in the amount of experience, thought and consideration that went into it, now that is what I like.

Badly Drawn Boy Badly Drawn Boy does, however, try to make the album amusing by including sound clips (splashed on “Fall in a River”), little solos (“Bewilder” and “Bewilderbeast” being the same thing only on organ and with a band respectively) and things like “Body Rap” which I just don’t understand because it’s a one minute track that isn’t making a point, doesn’t link any songs and sounds tacky. We are now up to track twelve and there are still amazing songs rolling off this album. “Magic in the Air” is a piano lullaby, “Pissing in the Wind” is another campsite song only far grander and a country feel and on “Epitaph” the birds sing the album out as beautifully as it came in.

The point I’m trying to get across here is that despite the confusing little interludes this is a album of fantastic songs presented perfectly and remember ‘The Hour of Bewilderbeast’ is Badly Drawn Boy’s first album. Basically, I don’t know anyone who has heard the album and hasn’t really liked it (and I know a lot of cynical people). If you don’t know Badly Brawn Boy or Damon Gough now, you will soon.

Euan Blair Made Me Pregnant !

Written by: Sean the Irish Bastard Published on: 14 Dec 2000

At a time when Tony Blair’s popularity in the UK is at its lowest ebb comes a fresh blow which dates back to the night a few months ago when son Euan celebrated the end of his GCSEs by becoming paralytically drunk in Leicester Square.

While a nice place to be drunk (as most of the DFTFC team will testify), it wasn’t too prudent to be in the aforementioned state whilst being the underage son of the current prime minister. However, today’s revelations make the inebriated state of young Euan pale into insignificance.

Whitney Spheres, 19, of Kentwood, London was out clubbing with some of her friends that same night in early July. She picks up the story for us:

“Well you see, we went to this club near Piccadilly at about 10 o’clock, but it turned out to be a bit shit, so we left and went off towards Leicester square. Our group got chatting to a small group of young lads there, and after a while, one of them started coming on to me, said I looked rather famous or something and was trying to persuade me to “get off with him”. I didn’t want to encourage him, but he persisted and I began to think he was quite cute and I was feeling frisky, I mean at the end of the day it’s a laugh isn’t it. So I let him drag me into some bushes. I’d had a few by then (drinks not men) and one thing must have led to another - right in the middle of Leicester square for God’s sake! Talk about “hit me baby one more time”!

Perhaps something I did encouraged him...?
Perhaps something I did encouraged him...?

I left him there in a hurry and got back to my friends and quickly I moved us on. I guess the boy’s mates had just gone off someplace, so I left him there lying on the pavement - typical bloody man, falls asleep straight after we finish, no cuddle - or anything! It was only the next day, when it made the news that I realised that the lad was Tony Blair’s son. I didn’t know whether or not to tell anyone. I went to see my Doctor and it turned out I was nine weeks gone, thats put an end to my singing career I must say. I think there can be no doubt that the baby is Euan’s as I haven’t been with anyone else since last Christmas after a slightly embarrassing incident at the office party. I mean he not a bad catch assuming he actually remembers me, I mean he is not like that William chap I was seeing.”

This news comes at a time when Tony Blair is trying to rally support following a disappointing stance on the recent UK fuel crisis/rail Crisis/Flood Crisis and war with France. How the revelations affect Mr Blair’s results in polls remains to be seen. However, it is likely that Euan’s status amongst his peers at Sixth Form College is on the up. A prefect is known to have commented “Wahey!”

Both Euan and Tony Blair were unavailable for comment on the issue. Cherie Blair is reckoned to have said “the little git, he won’t know what’s hit him” and Tony Booth, Euan’s grandfather has been quoted as saying “that’s my boy!”.

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