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Ali G Storms Out of Charity Chess Match

Written by: Sean the Irish Bastard Published on: 21 Mar 2000

Yesterday TV presenter Ali G walked out of a charity event being held at the Hannover Grand, London. Channel 4’s top interviewer Ali, of Staines, Middlesex last night told DFTFC that he had been forced to withdraw from the event due to “racial discrimination”.

Mr G had been lined up to play a game of chess with Beverly Hills 90125 actor Jason Priestley, with a cheque for 5000 going to a charity supported by the winner. Mr Priestley claimed afterwards that the whole thinghad been an “unfortunate misunderstanding”.

Mr. Priestley, 44 declined to speak with us in any detail, but passed us a copy of a videotape of the incident filmed by his friend Simon. Actually the first tape we received was of something else, but Mr Priestley offered us a significant sum of money not to talk about it. We were then passed the correct tape, and the following is a transcript of what was said between the two:

MC ALAN HARGREAVES: Ladies and Gentlemen, Jason Priestley and Ali G!

(Applause. They enter and sit down at the board)

JASON PRIESTLEY: Good afternoon everybody.

ALI G: Booyaka-sha! Good luck man, though me hope ya lose, ‘cos there’s poor kids in the ghetto.

JP: Yeah, good luck to you too, man. Shall we start?

ALI G: Wickid! For real! Now, me start with a prawn…

(He moves to pick up his King’s Pawn)

JP: Hang on man, I’m sorry but it’s my go first.

ALI G: Is it ‘cos I’s black?

(Jason looks down at the chess board. Sure enough, Ali is playing with the black pieces)

JP: Yeah that’s right. I’m supposed to start.

ALI G: Wot, because you is white, man?

JP: Yep. Whoever is White gets to go first, and then…

ALI G: Ain’t that a bit racialist?

JP: No, not at all. White always goes first. It’s in the rules.

ALI G: That sucks! This whole game is racist, man!

JP: It’s OK dude.. Let’s see, you can be white, then you can go first…

ALI G: No way! Me ain’t gonna betray me brothers in the West End Massive! Res-pect to the homeboys! Bo!

(Ali gets up and strides out of the auditorium)

We spoke with Ali G on the matter, but all he would add was that “It’s a real shame that organised racism is still going on in these days when man can clone pigs and walk on Mars. Me is saddest of all for those kids in the ghettos of Staines, Egham and Windlesham. They is the ones who has lost out. Me heard that Chess comes from China. Me just wanna say people in stone houses shouldn’t throw glass. Respect!” With that, Ali thanked us and went off to ‘hang with his bitches’.

Prince Naseem Hamed Beaten!

Written by: ChilliBear Published on: 19 Mar 2000

It was only last week that Prince Naseem Hamed was challenged for his WBO World Featherweight Title by Vujani ‘The Beast’ Bungu. The Beast beaten, his title secure, the Prince thought he could take a few weeks rest without interruptions. Alas, he was mistaken. As soon as ‘The Beast’ hit the canvas, a new challenger emerged to take his place. The new challenger made his claim on the WBO World Featherweight Title title last night, and was clearly unfazed by Naseem’s hard-man stance.

Prince Naseem faces off his opponent
Prince Naseem faces off his opponent

DFTFC sent ChilliBear and the Spunk-Monkey to report on what looked like being the greatest fight of the year.

ChilliBear: Well everyone, here we are at the Arena. The atmosphere is electric in anticipation of the fighter’s imminent entrance. That said, I think I hear them coming…..

Spunk-Monkey: Yep, here they come. Prince Naseem has entered on his now famous “Flying Carpet”. His opponent has an equally unique mode of entry….he’s bouncing. What what can you expect from a giant kangaroo?

CB: My word that’s the biggest mouse I’ve ever seen.

SM: It’s a kangaroo, not a mouse.

CB: Look, I think I know what a giant mouse looks like thank you, and that IS a giant mouse if ever I saw one.

SM: Its a f☣☣king kangaroo. I’m not arguing about this here ChilliBear, quit your bitching and get on with commentating the fight.

CB: Okay. We’ve missed the first two rounds…err…due to our little misunderstanding, but here is the glorious report for the third and final round.

Prince Naseem failing to hit his opponent
Prince Naseem failing to hit his opponent

CB: Hey Spunky that giant mouse is bouncing everywhere, the Prince just doesn’t seem to be able to land a punch on him.

SM: It’s a F☣☣KING kangaroo.

CB: Sorry. Did you see how the ‘kangaroo’ just kicked the Prince square across the ring, thats gonna hurt.

SM: Well sports fans, the Prince really seems to be having a hard time of it. Every time he goes for an attack, the kangaroo just bounces away. It’s almost as if he is shadow boxing. Ouch, the kangaroo seems to be bear hugging the Prince now, the referee is going to have to break this one up, or join in

CB: Yeah look the ‘kangaroo’ is getting a warning from the referee, probably telling him this isn’t some silly cartoon.

SM: At this rate the Prince will be loosing on points, and look we only have another thirty seconds of this fight left, can the Prince pull back into the lead, what do you think ChilliBear.

CB: Well judging from the way the ‘ kangaroo’ is bouncing up and down on his head like that I think the Prince might have almost given up the fight and…there we have it the final bell.

SM: This looks really bad the Prince is down on the canvas and isn’t moving…wait no he is getting up and…

Prince Naseem - beaten
Prince Naseem - beaten

CB: Look the Prince is now throwing his hands in the air and is shouting, “A frigging giant mouse, beaten by a frigging mouse, I don’t believe it”. See I told you it was a giant mouse.

SM: It’s a…arrr…forget it.

After the shocking conclusion to this clash of titans the question on everyones lips must be; “does the giant mouse have any weaknesses and will he storm to the top?” With a rumoured fight between the Mouse and Tyson on the cards we feel that perhaps the giant mouse may have finally met his match, due to the sizeof his ears. As ever DFTFC will be there to bring you the true story as it happens.

Star Wars Episode II to have adult certificate

Written by: Hungry Caterpillar Published on: 17 Mar 2000

George Lucas announced today that Star Wars Episode II will be planned as a more adult orientated film.

In effect, this will mean that in America it will be given an ‘R’ rating, whilst in the UK it will be an ‘18’. So what is the reason for this? No, it isn’t because the film is more gory, Light sabre fights, or for the much rumoured Jar Jar Binks graphic torture scene.

In a DFTFC exclusive George Lucas revealed, “There’s one event from the saga that’s going to happen in Episode II, which is of great significance to the other five films. In fact, you could say that this is the single most important scene from all six films; one that really ties everything together”.

The scene in question is of course, Luke and Leia’s conception. “We want to show of much of this event as possible” continued Lucas, “So the adult certificate will allow us to show every tiny detail and aspects of this momentous event. We hope that once Episode II is released, this scene will become everyone’s favourite. Considering that most of Star Wars’ more obsessive fans never get laid, this is a possibility”.

Lucas denied all allegations that the reason for this scene, was so that members of the crew could get a glimpse of Natalie Portman in the nude. Lucas continued, “The nudity is part of the artistic and spiritual nature of Star Wars”.

Portman, who is famous for having erect nipples in the middle of the desert surrounding Mos Eisley, has never done a nude scene before. She told us “As long as its tastefully done and important to the plot, I’m game”.

Intrigued about this sudden change of direction for the normally U rated Star Wars films DFTFC contacted our old friend Rick McCallum, to try to find out what was going through Lucas’s mind. Rick explained that the scene had initially been his idea. “After reading Lucas’s initial draft for Episode II, I was concerned about the direction that the saga was taking. Has Lucas introduced this lovescene to help the movie financially??”.

Many people have been dismayed on hearing last month’s announcement, that Jim Carrey would be playing Anakin Skywalker, and a completely Computer Generated Image of Elvis would star as the sage and wise mentor for Anakin. Further information has now since been acquired by DFTFC, and we can now reveal that Star Wars Episode II, which will be entitled titled

‘Jar Jar’s Adventures on the Zany Planet of Custard’, will in fact be a slapstick comedy. McCallum told us that Lucas received a boxed set of Laurel and Hardy videos for Christmas. Lucas immediately fell in love with them, and decided to rewrite Episode II in their honour. McCallum continued, “I suggested the idea of the conception scene, when I realised what a dud movie this would otherwise have been. It’s the only way we’re going to get anyone to go and see the blasted movie!”.

Personally, we can wait for ‘Jar Jar’s Adventures on the Zany Planet of Custard’, and all of its’ tasteful artistic scenes.

Luxembourgs Plan B Revealed

Written by: Hungry Caterpillar Published on: 16 Mar 2000

With the BBCs continued media blackout of the Luxembourg vs Everybody War, it is once again up to DFTFC, your Guardian of Truth and Justice, to report the latest on this terrible war.

Continued failure to capture anything, and with the rest of the World completely ignoring them, it is evident that moral in Luxembourg’s Army is pretty low.

We spoke to Mr Spautz, in one of our now regular meetings, to ask him about this. “Well its needless to say that things aren’t going entirely to plan” he told us. “Even the ten thousand year estimate for world domination seems a little optimistic now. This is why we have withdrawn all our troops from the front line, and put into action Plan B”. We tried to push Mr Spautz about the exact nature of this mysterious Plan B, but he refused to let us in on the secret. He only revealed that it involved utilising some of the latest technologies.

Fortunately for us, Luxembourg’s only scientist Dr Hans Nyder, proved very easy to bribe. With the promise of introducing him to some single women in the future, he happily agreed to spill the beans.

It turns out that the entire Luxembourg Army is to be sent to a secret destination (at 374b Rue de Redmon) to undergo a series of Genetic Enhancements. These Enhancements will include increasing their brain size, improving their nervous systems, increasing their co-ordination, and removing a few extraneous limbs.

Dr Nyder explained to us the plans which will follow the mutations. “The enhanced soldiers, which we have decided to call Gruobmexuls, will be put into special full body armour suits; which will further enhance their strength, and make them one of the most formidable fighting forces on the planet”.

“We’ve decided to equip these suits of armour with all the latest technology. It will have an incredibly powerful laser, a weapon far more advanced than anything else currently used. A telescopic visual unit, will allow the Gruobmexuls to have better than perfect vision under all conditions. Finally they will also have a sink plunger, just in case.”

We asked Dr Nyder if he was having any problems with the Gruobmexuls. “Well there are a few teething problems, as with any project of this size. There is a slight design flaw, where we forgot to put any legs on the suit, so unless the Gruobmexul is travelling over perfectly smooth terrain, it tends to fall over or get stuck. Also, if you throw a towel over the telescopic visual unit, the whole suit tends to explode. Both of these are relatively minor glitches and I am confident that they will be corrected very soon.”

With the assault of these potentially lethal machines imminent, DFTFC will be here, at great personal risk, to keep you filled in on the details.

Cult Plans Revolutionary Evolution

Written by: Hoffin Bigman Published on: 14 Mar 2000

The cult of “The Children of the Sea” have started to draw up plans for mankind to crawl back into the oceans.

They are to release a pamphlet, containing all the information required to proceed with their version of evolution. It explains the vital steps, which range from holding your breath in the bath, through to deep-sea survival techniques in a fish-eat-man-eat-fish world.

It also lists a number of support groups, one that plans to teach a new martial art, ‘The Way of The Man-Fish’ which focuses on shark wrestling and how to handle one’s self in a squid ambush.

DFTFC asked a representative if they foresaw any problems ahead, he responded by smiling, standing on one foot and flapping his left hand up and down. I was then informed by a translator that the reason for this apparently insane behaviour, is that speech will be useless underwater; necessitating a new language.

Extract from the translation dictionary
Extract from the translation dictionary

The representative explained, “A problem has arisen with the translation dictionary. It has resulted in it being a tome the size of a small family car, due to each word requiring a series of diagrams. The Pocket version containing the absolute minimum of translations, is the size of a large packet of cereal. Plans to reduce the language down to just ten words are currently being investigated”. It took their representative 45 minutes just to tell us all that. On this evidence, we suspect that it won’t be uncommon for a full-blown conversation to last for a good few days.

The President of the United States is reported to be a firm backer of the cult, and was quoted earlier this week as saying “Fish ? - Gotta love it”. DFTFC remains unconvinced however.

EXCLUSIVE Eastenders in the new millennium.

Written by: Helter-Skelter Published on: 12 Mar 2000

DFTFC can reveal major new story lines in the sensational British soap opera Eastenders.

Insiders have told DFTFC that the soap, which is usually filmed six weeks in advance, have actually filmed enough episodes for the next year. Writers (who are rumoured to be linked with the Iraqi Government) have predicted events for the next year concluding with Armageddon on 1-1-2001. DFTFC spoke exclusively to one of these writers, Mustafa Haman.

Mustafa Harman
Mustafa Harman

DFTFC: You’re a writer for the popular and much loved British TV show Eastenders.

Mustafa Haman: Yes, myself and two colleagues from Iraq were brought in to spice things up a bit, and work in conjunction with the previous writers. We also managed to speed up production.

DFTFC: By filming twelve months work in ten weeks?

MH: Fifteen months, yes.

DFTFC: Don’t you think this might compromise the quality of the show?

MH: Granted, a lot of the original production team couldn’t take the pressure and subsequently died; they had to be replaced by some of our Iraqi colleagues, but the cast has remained reasonably constant.

DFTFC: Tell us about the new story lines.

MH: Well the main story to look forward to, is when young Sonia Jackson accidentally discovers a WWII bunker. The year ends with two parties, a grand street party in Albert Square, and a rival party in the bunker.

DFTFC: And Armageddon?

MH: Well on New Year’s Eve, whilst these parties are going on, the President of the USA, typically, goes mad and decides to destroy the world with his nuclear arsenal.

DFTFC: Isn’t that a little far fetched?

MH: My poor naive little friend, there is much that you don’t know about the USA. Their stupidity has to be controlled….Iraq must be allowed to control them!

DFTFC: Well quite, so what happens then

MH: Well you see, whilst trying to bomb Moscow, the stupid Americans accidentally hit London, destroying everyone in a 1000km radius. However the people at the underground party, despite being exposed to radiation, survive.

DFTFC: Arrrrr, I see.

MH: However in filming there was a little accident, we were using a “medium yield” nuclear warhead, rather than the BBC standard “low yield” warhead, and unfortunately the cast suffered a few…err…fatalities.

DFTFC: Several people get mutated in the show?

MH: And regrettably those mutations are real. We had a real problem with the melting flesh. Makeup just wouldn’t cover it.

DFTFC: Thanks for your time, we look forward to seeing those episodes.

Mustafa Haman and his Iraqi friends have now moved to Australia, to continue their unique form of writing in the popular soap Neighbours.

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