A mad old satirical news site from the dawn of the Internet archived for posterity

Drink from the
furry cup

All the news without the kumquats


  • ChilliBear
  • Hungry Caterpillar
  • Sean the Irish Bastard
  • Spunk-Monkey
  • Winnie the Poo
  • Hoffin' Bigman
  • Helter-Skelter
  • Niloc
  • Saunders
  • Dai Laffin
  • Digger

Quintessential Quote

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

Pick of the Best

Past Poll

So who do you think won the war?

  • Bush
  • Saddam

Dinosaur in Garden Genocide

Written by: Spunk-Monkey Published on: 11 Mar 2000

It was a quiet morning in Kensington Gardens, London; the Sun was rising in the clear sky, bird-song filled the air, and ducks “quacked”. Surely nothing could violate this serene landscape…


For this is not yet another location for the Di Caprio eco-disaster movie, “The Beach”, but is in fact home to the worst Dinosaur atrocity since their extinction eons ago.

A panorama from Kensington Gardens
A panorama from Kensington Gardens

A Park Attendant has revealed exclusively to DFTFC what he saw on that fated morning. “Me and my colleague was cleanin’ the chewing gum off from underneath a bench”, “when we ‘eard this massive roar”. Nothing could have prepared the Park Attendants for what happened next….. “We both ran over to where the noise seemed to be coming from, and we saw a big…..Pink…..Dinosaur”. The Attendant continued, “We get a few strange types around this place early in the morning, you know, had a bit too much to drink and the likes. So, me and Bob went up to this Pink thing and told it to shift it out of our Park. It walked toward us mumbling that it ‘loved us’, and then suddenly grappled Bob and bit his ‘ead off so I bloody did the right thing and f☣☣king legged it”. The Attendant went to the nearest Police Station and reported the incident; unfortunately he is now being held under the suspicion of Murder.

A spokesperson from the Metropolitan Police gave the following statement: “We were alerted to this crime at 7:00 this morning. Officers were quickly at the scene, and found the mutilated remains of a male corpse, along with that of approximately 50 ducks. The defendant has repeatedly cited an absurd alibi, regarding a Dinosaur, a PINK Dinosaur no less. But the public should not be alarmed, we have the

real culprit safely under lock and key.

DFTFC can understand the Police’s reluctance to believe this story, but we believe that a miscarriage of justice is taking place, and that the real offender is still at large. We believe that there is only one explanation for this situation, which until now has been left untouched.

DFTFC contacted the Natural History Museum, where we spoke to an eminent reader in Palaeontology, Prof. Harrison. He told us that there has been only one occurrence of a talking Pink Dinosaur ever……Barney!.

We contacted Barney’s agent for a comment. He seemed unsurprised of the revelations. “Sounds like a normal Friday night for Barney, you’re lucky he didn’t use your toilets”. “He needs to unwind some days, he hates being surrounded by all those annoying brats, but hey, it pays the bills!”.

It emerges that Barney is no stranger to controversy. Only recently, he was dropped from the leading role in Jurassic Park. The producer, Steven Spielberg cited Barney’s garish dress-sense, and his mis-interpretation of the Tyrannosaurus Rex’s role. Barney, shown below in rehearsals, clearly does not instil terror into the viewer. After his big-screen failure, Barney branched out into hard-core pornography, co-starring with Sooty in his debut movie.

Jurassic Park - Camp it up Barney!
Jurassic Park - Camp it up Barney!

Barney has abused his stardom for the last time, DFTFC has commissioned Sir. Peter Ustinov (of ‘One of our Dinosaurs is Missing’ fame) to try and catch the prehistoric perpetrator. Justice will prevail, and hopefully Barney will be off our screens forever…HOORAH.

Navy breaks the Prime Directive

Written by: ChilliBear Published on: 10 Mar 2000

This morning DFTFC was invited to have a telephone interview with Admiral Richard Solhomn, aboard the Navy carrier the Enterprise.

This is the transcript from the telephone interview…

DFTFC: Admiral, can we call you Ricky?

Admiral R Solhomn: No.

DFTFC: Okay, well never mind. Getting straight to the issues we believe our readers are interested in, what can you tell us about the war that recently happened in Kosovo, and the part the Federation played in it.

ARS: Kosovo was a particularly important war because we were defending the right of innocent people, and the allied force is called NATO, not the Federation.

DFTFC: Okay, but don’t you think that it was in violation of the “Prime Directive” to go in and start blowing things up with photon torpedoes and the like.

ARS: I believe you are making a bit of mistake there, there is no “Prime Directive”.

DFTFC: Sure there is, you know it goes something like “Non-interference with other cultures”, and blowing the crap out another country seems a bit like a breach of that.

ARS: I believe you are getting real life confused with Captain Kirk’s life.

DFTFC: Kirk, yes he is famous for breaking the prime directive - was it Kirk that was in charge of this mission? Becausewe don’t think that wimp Picard would have had the balls to do it.

ARS: Listen, this is silly. The man in charge was Lieutenant-General Sir Michael Jackson.

DFTFC: Not Kirk then…


DFTFC: But why a pop star like Michael? Was it because of his popularity?

ARS: NO NO NO, agghhh! Let’s leave the generals, and I want to say again that this war was not about this silly “PrimeDirective”, it was about removing a tyrant from his dictatorship.

DFTFC: Yes we were hoping you would get onto the matter of the Klingon Leader Gowron, and his reign of terror throughout the Alpha quadrant.

ARS: Really…I suppose next we will be taking about what role the USS Enterprise played in all this.

DFTFC: Okay if you want to: did you find the newly refitted transporters aboard the Enterprise helped you in performing surprise attacks on the Klingons, or did you find that they had used magnetic shielding to protect themselves?

ARS: I don’t believe this - you really believe in what you’re saying, don’t you? Listen man, did you spend youentire life watching cheap science fiction shows and not the news!?!?

DFTFC: Maybe…

ARS: This interview is going nowhere, I’m getting off.

DFTFC: But what about the effects this war has had on the Federation, and Starfleet? Ricky, are you there…Ricky…hello.

Everyone here at DFTFC would like to officially apologise for the sudden conclusion to that interview, we believe it was due to Romulan spies that had infiltrated the Enterprise. We have contacted the Navy with our suspicions, but have yet to hear back from them on the matter.

Microsoft Releases Windows 2000 Keyboard

Written by: Winnie the Poo Published on: 09 Mar 2000

At a press conference earlier today Microsoft unveiled to the world their new Windows 2000 Keyboard.

The new Micro$oft Windows 2000 Keyboard

A spokesman said ‘It incorporates all of the features that a Windows 2000 user needs, it’s both ergonomic and efficient.’ When prompted to explain why the only three keys present on the keyboard were Ctrl, Alt and Del the spokesman said ‘This is a keyboard designed for Windows 2000, what others keys does one need ?’

The keyboard is expected to start shipping next week which means we should be able to get our hands on one sometime in August. A service pack, including a Scroll Lock Key will be released towards the end of the year. The expected demand for these keyboards is very high and Microsoft have set up seven dedicated factories to deal with the demand. The world waits…

Sainsburys Heats Up Supermarket Price War

Written by: Winnie the Poo Published on: 08 Mar 2000

J Sainsbury PLC. announced today that it is going to slash it’s prices in an attempt to overhaul the massive lead that Tescos (it’s main rival), has built up in the UK Supermarket Industry.

DFTFC secured an exclusive interview with Dino Adriano, Sainsbury’s Chief Executive.

DFTFC: ‘So Dino, is what we hear about a price war true?’

DA: ‘I do not want to call it a price war, we have simply reduced the prices of some of our top lines in an attempt to offer the British Public the best value in the high street. If you look at our examples below, I am sure that you will agree with me that they are excellent value.’

DFTFC: ‘Bloody hell, you could say that !!!, 85Kg of beans for only 47p !!!.’

DA: ‘It is a Low Price Guaranteed Line.’

DFTFC: ‘I am not surprised. Do you realise that that is over 209 standard cans of beans.’

DA: ‘I agree that is quite a lot but we have done a massive amount of Market Research and it shows that the average British family will consume that many beans in about 11 days.’

DFTFC: ‘Remind me never to go round their house.’

DA: ‘What was that?,’

DFTFC: ‘Nothing …’

DA: ‘The single shopper or the smaller family is not left out either, you can get 42Kg of Economy Beans for 9p.’

DFTFC: ‘I must admit that this all seems excellent value but do you plan to offer anything other than beans? And how the hell do you carry 42kg of beans home.’

DA: ‘All our stores do offer a carry to car service. At the moment the offer is limited to Baked Beans but we do plan to extend it to all of our other goods soon. Whiskey at 99p a litre is my personal favourite.’

DFTFC: ‘You must be mad,’

DA: ‘Mad?, us, never Evil laugh. We will return to the top, we will rule the world and when we do all you snivelling reporters will have to bow down to me, to me I say, for we are the chosen ones……’

At this point our intrepid news hound retreated from this obvious mad man, and went to seek the opinion of Tescos. When asked what their reaction would be to this news, the Tesco’s Spokesman said that the Group would not be drawn into tit for tat product reductions, because it was “trying to bribe the great British Public, who would see this as the publicity stunt it is.” He then went on to add that if anyone wanted a new car then Tescos was in a special deal with Daewoo to provide them for only 2.99 plus 500 reward points.

So who will win?, this reporter for one hopes it is Tescos. The thought of the British Public consuming that many baked beans, and then using the confined UK Public Transport system is something not worth thinking about.

Rock 'n' Roll's Darkest Hour

Written by: ChilliBear Published on: 06 Mar 2000

The Brit Awards in London last Friday night were marred by the in fighting between the various stars present. In particular the rivalry between Robbie Williams and Oasis brother Liam Gallagher.

Robbie was quoted as saying “ You wanker I’d win a fight hands down, anybody like to see me fight Liam? Would you pay to come and see it? Liam, a hundred grand of your money and a hundred grand of my money.

We’ll get in a ring and we’ll have a fight and you can all watch it on TV.” Liam sent his reply by video link later in the evening, saying “_come on if you think your are hard enough” in his strange Northern accent. At this announcement Robbie went mad, drew a Samurai sword and shouted “There can be only one - rockstar”, Robbie then declared war on the Gallagher brothers.

The war between the two stars (three if you count Noel Gallagher, but who does) has escalated at an unprecedented rate over the last few days. The country has viciously split along a North-South divide, with armies of civilians and military men forming up behind each star.

Liam at a recent propaganda broadcast from his house, was quoted as saying “Robbie you are all up in the sky, you just don’t have the guts to bring it on down”, the broadcast then erupted in flames as the Gallagher house was hit by an air-raid.

This air-raid incensed Liam into deploying his army further south. DFTFC caught these exclusive photos of the army on the march towards South England.

When asked how he was financing and feeding his growing army, Liam told us that he had only just fed them digsy’s dinner, and was using cigarettes and alcohol to pay them. We then told Liam about the recent reports on CNN of Robbie’s armoured 3rd division moving North; apparently to intercept Liam’s army at Milton Keynes. His response was both quizzical and whimsical “we will win - definitely maybe”.

The outcome of this battle of the bands is yet to be decided, and at DFTFC we believe that it will all come down to the final apocalyptic battle at Milton Keynes. We would like to reinforce the advice the British Government is giving to the local populous; “to get the f☣☣k out of there”. The advice for foreign visitors is; “England is not caught in the midst of a civil war, and Milton Keynes is a very nice place to visit”.

The real question has to be whether Liam’s army will just slide away, or whether Robbie will really entertain us with a decent battle. DFTFC intends to be the first news source to report the outcome of this, Rock ‘n’ Roll’s darkest hour.

Luxembourg vs Everyone War Update

Written by: Hungry Caterpillar Published on: 05 Mar 2000

As DFTFC reported exclusively last week, in a surprise move Luxembourg declared war on every other nation on the planet. As every other reputable news gathering organisation and the Guardian seems to have ignored this story we thought wed bring you an update.

The Luxembourg conquest started on Monday with the invasion of France and thats about as far as it has got. The army was seen off by an irate farmer wielding a pitch fork and shouting because his crops were getting trampled.

So far the Luxembourg army has managed to capture 0.1 square meters of French territory by using the tactic of moving fence posts at night.

We spoke to the Luxembourg President Mr Spautz.

DFTFC: President Spautz when we spoke to you last week you told us that within a week you hoped to have conquered Europe. Now unless you invaded while I was down the pub and I didn’t notice, we don’t all seem to be living under the glorious rule of Luxembourg.

President Spautz: Well obviously there has been a slight change in plan due to a slight over optimism about time scales. However we do have a revised plan and based on the current land gained and at a rate of 0.1 square meters a week we hope to have complete global domination within the next ten thousand years.

DFTFC: Don’t you think that the fact that your whole army only managed to capture such a tiny piece of land is a little disappointing?

PS: It should be noted that as well as the land we also captured two rabbits and a sparrow who are currently being held as prisoners of war. Well except for one of the rabbits, which I had for my dinner last night.

DFTFC: What exactly do you plan to do once you are the ruler of the world?

PS: Well we predict that mankind will have colonised other worlds by then, and we shall of course set our sites on them. We are currently working on the plans for the invasion of Alpha-Centauri.

DFTFC: What is the reaction to the response of general apathy from other governments over your declaration of war?

PS: Well their complacency will lead to the eventual downfall. I have been in talks all week with the French President about the conditions of his surrender.

DFTFC: Have you actually met with him?

PS: Well no but Ive left several messages on his answering machine and Im sure hell get back to me soon.

So it seems the world has a little while to wait before the Luxembourg assault becomes a serious threat. We will of course keep you up to date should anything else develop or if we run out of interesting news to report..”

read the next part of this story…

Yeah you guessed it the majority of this site is copyrighted to us, © 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003 all the way up to 2014 so please don't pinch it. Obviously this is all in good humour if you don't think so then you don't have "good humour". This is of course only a sarcastic sceptical FICTITIOUS (yes thats right it's not real! - It's actually made up! - Welcome to the world of satire), view on life the universe and everyone in the public light... hey it's all supposed to be good fun... honest :)