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Blockade Fever Sweeps Britain

Written by: Hungry Caterpillar Published on: 07 Sep 2000

Last week French fishermen blockaded French ports and the Euro tunnel in their protests over something or another. Well after pissing off a load of people they eventually got what they wanted. Now it seems that the British have whole-heartedly adopted this method of protest with the traditional motto of ‘anything that the French we can do ten times better’.

Waves of Blockade protests have been springing up across the country. It started early yesterday morning when motorists started blockading petrol stations in protest of rising fuel prices. Parents blockading schools in protest of falling education standards followed this. By the end of the day there were about ten different groups blockading various different things ranging from pensioners blockading post offices in protest of the amount paid as a state pension to a group of conservationists in Cambridge blockading a pond in protest that there aren’t as many ducks in the pond as there used to be. There was even a man in Manchester blockading a wasps nest to protest that one of the wasps had stung him for no reason. Unfortunately his efforts to prevent wasps entering or exiting the nest only resulted in him getting stung another twenty times.

The army decide to have a go at blockading
The army decide to have a go at blockading

By lunch time today the country was in chaos with just about everyone blockading something.

We tried to talk to a member of the government over what they planned to do about the blockades. Unfortunately we couldn’t get anywhere near parliament due to the number of people blockading it for about fifty different reasons. However when we eventually found a phone box that wasn’t being blockaded by people protesting over the price of phone calls from public phone boxes, we managed to speak to Charles Kennedy MP.

“The whole country is falling apart”, Mr Kennedy told us. “There are currently people blockading entrances to the M25 protesting that we build to many roads. At the same time other people are blockading entrances to the M25 protesting that were not building enough roads. We just don’t know what to do. I’m off now to blockade my local newsagents because it ran out of copies of the Daily Mail before lunch time.”

We managed to speak to one of the blockaders a Mr James Eagle and ask him why he was doing it. “Well I was in a group going out to blockade the local swimming pool, to protest the fact that they put to much Chlorine in the pool. O our way we encountered a group blockading blockaders in protest of the amount of blockades going on. So now were blockading blockade blockers to protest them blockading blockades. We are worried however as it seems another group is about to turn up to blockade our blockade of the blockade blockers to protest that people should have the right to blockade blockades if the blockade requires blockading.”

So what will be the end result of all this? Well we at DFTFC can only see two ways this will end. Either the countries infrastructure will collapse due to the fact nobody is doing any work or everyone will get board and go home. There are even a group of scientists blockading the entrance to the DFTFC office to protest us taking the piss out of their cashew nut. The situation is now getting somewhat desperate if we cannot get out soon we may run out of doughnuts.

Plans to privatise nuclear bases

Written by: ChilliBear Published on: 04 Sep 2000

The UK Government has recently been accused of planning to privatise the Trident submarine forces - Britain’s nuclear deterrent. DFTFC decided to explore the effects this will have…

Firstly it has been revealed that the privatisation will be done in order to introduce a degree of competition into the UK nuclear arsenal. In effect this will allow foreign invaders to choose who will be their nuclear deterrent provider. Much as UK consumers can currently make choices over who supplies their electricity and gas so to will those countries thinking of invading the UK beable to choose their nuclear deterrent provider.

They can make this choice based on their individual needs as attackers. Factors such as the “response time” of the companies, or the number of ICBMs they have at their disposal can be taken into account. This will for the first time really give the enemies of the UK a chance to go to war on their own terms.

Another key aspect of the privatisation is corporate sponsorship. The Government envisage selling prime advertising space on the sides of UK Trident submarines, David Bens, MP had this to say “We can see a mass market for this high profile advertising space, we see it as a specifically targeted medium which can be tailored to the customers needs”. DFTFC did enquire quite who will see this advertising when the submarines are 20,00 leagues under the sea, apart obviously from passing cod, but the Government spokesperson started mumbling and we didn’t catch their answer…

DFTFC has learned that there are three chief bidders in this sell off. The first is the well-known media mogul Rupert Murdoch.

Murdoch claims that the combination of his media marketing skills and high moral standards will make him the perfect candidate for taking control of a fleet of nuclear submarines. There has also been a keen bid from the Luxembourg Government, who after failing to conquer the world earlier this year have been attempting to rebuild their military forces. The final bid came from a mysterious pharmaceuticals company who claim to have had plenty of experience of handling(orange) weapons of mass destruction…

Scientist Clone Cashew Nut, Nobody Cares

Written by: Hungry Caterpillar Published on: 01 Sep 2000

The world was shocked into complete indifference today when scientist from the university of Edinburgh announced the have they have managed to genetically clone a Cashew nut. The genetically cloned nut is contains exactly the same DNA as the original. The new nut has been named Ulysses by the scientists who developed it, because they mistakenly believe that naming things after obscure literary references make them better than other people.

The original Cashew nut on the left with Ulysses on the right.
The original Cashew nut on the left with Ulysses on the right.

On making this announcement this morning there was a distinct lack of outcry from various pressure groups. We spoke to Jane Swift from the ‘Society Against Weird and Creepy Genetic Meddling’ who gave us this statement: “Well normally whenever something like this happens we organise various protests and the such, were not sure why it’s probably traditional or an old charter or something However the research done here is so pointlesswe frankly cannot be bothered.”

Ulysses is the result of two years of research and an estimated twenty thousand pounds of tax payer’s money has been spent on the project. When compared to the fact that it costs about a pound to buy a whole packet of peanut from any shop, it seems unlikely that anybody is going to be willing to shell out that sort of money purely for the novelty that they look the same.

We sent our award-winning reporter Helter-Skelter (winner of the best daffodils 1992 Caerphilly Flower Show) to interview the scientist who made Ulysses. To which Helter-Skelter replied, “Bollocks to that, they look a right bunch of boring bastards. It’s not as if they did anything that interesting anyway. If they managed to make a cashew nut that could juggle chainsaws whilst dancing the fandango it might be worth reporting. Are we really that desperate for stories that were going to publish this crap? Im off down the pub.”

Game Console Wars!

Written by: ChilliBear Published on: 28 Aug 2000

Games giants Nintendo have made a bid to reassert their position within the Console market by releasing exciting new details of the N64 replacement… TheGameCube…

Nintendo announce the GameCube
Nintendo announce the GameCube

Sony were quick to respond announcing their “Sony GameSphere” only hours after Nintendo’s announcement to the world’s press and the BBC.

Announcing the equally new and original Sony GameSphere
Announcing the equally new and original Sony GameSphere

DFTFC felt that it was only right to spend two solid days playing with the consoles we got from both Nintendo and Sony, in order to produce a comprehensive review of both systems, this is how they perform…

The new “Sony GameSphere” wins the prize for looks, mainly because the “Nintendo GameCube” looks like an old shoebox. However don’t let looks deceive you, for as soon as Hoffin’ Bigman unwrapped the shinny new GameSphere and placed it on my desk it promptly rolled off the desk and out of the window… Sony told us that normally this wouldn’t be a problem, but being on the fifth floor we ended up with aslightly less attractive GameSphere.

Still we plugged it in and managed to get a few rounds out of Tekken 723 before theconsole melted.

Did the GameCube fair any better? Well this time we didn’t take any chances of it rolling out of the window by gaffer taping it to the floor in front of the TV! The most exciting feature of the GameCube is its wireless TV connection, this enables you to play your games from anywhere within 50 feet of the TV, just imagine that you can play a game from a completely different part of the building! wow

We belted out a couple of rounds of Mario Blood Fight, a new game from Nintendo based on the ever popular Mario World series. Trying to make a choice between the quality of the systems was hard since our GameSphere had melted. But we have decide to go with the GameSphere since it can be used as a football when not plugged into the mains socket.

Being the seekers of truth that we are DFTFC were interested to see if the console giants were simply copying each other ideas in a vain attempt to win over the punters. We went to speak to one of Sony’s chief designers Dan Skcollob.

DFTFC: Do you think that releasing the “Sony GameSphere” is just a knee-jerk reaction on your part as a consumer electronics giant?

Dan Skcollob: Absolutely not. We have had the designs for the “Sony GameSphere” in production for years now, it was Nintendo that copied our idea for a sillyshaped and names games console.

DFTFC: So there is no truth in it whatsoever…?

DS: None whatsoever.

DFTFC: So if for example we told you that Microsoft are launching a new hand held system called the “Microsoft MiniPalm” Sony wouldn’t respond by instantly producing a competing system?

DS: Of course not, but I would like to us this opportunity to say that Sony have for many years been working on a new hand held system called the “Sony SmallPalm”.

DFTFC: We rest our case.

According to World software giant Microsoft they have not fallen into this increasing trend to have funky shaped systems and have absolutely not restyled their new games console, the X-Box following the announcements of Nintendo and Sony.

Honest - this is how it has always looked.
Honest - this is how it has always looked.

Latest Computer Virus: Hoax

Written by: Sean the Irish Bastard Published on: 25 Aug 2000

We at DFTFC were recently alerted to an apparent computer virus sweeping the sub-ether…

Our source had claimed that the virus was “harmless, but mildly frustrating”, and went on to explain that it was a self-perpetuating worm virus of the Crinoth variant.

We now have it on good authority (well, Microsoft actually) that the above source was a “lying asshole” and there is no truth in the alert whatsoever.

This is of course of great relief to us here, as the virus was said to manifest itself in text documents, symptomatic in retroactively destroying the   character, and this is of particular concern to us as we are busy preparing an ama ing special feature on the  ebra population at London  oo.

New Big Brother TV Channel Announced

Written by: Helter-Skelter Published on: 23 Aug 2000

A new channel is being set up as a digital package based on the Dutch TV series Big Brother which has recently enjoyed success in both the US and UK. The entire station will be devoted to the Big Brother program where a group of people are constantly watched by cameras and other 24-hour observation game shows like it. Throughout the day highlights and live footage will be showing what is happening in any number of peoples lives from, countless camera angles. The viewer will now be able to constantly watch other peoples lives rather than living their own.

DFTFC has managed to find out some information about some of the proposed new game shows for Big Brother TV.

The Eden Game

A male and a female contestant will be placed in a tropical garden, the fact that both contestants will be naked the entire time will only be for the sake of authenticity. The public then watch from cameras surreptitiously concealed in rocks and trees as the couple create the human race and the audience vote on how they should be tempted into sin.

The pilot was very successful
The pilot was very successful

The Death Row Game

Prisoners on death row are watched by the public who go on to decide whom they think should be fried at the end of each week. All the prisoners are executed live on the show one by one and the last remaining contestant wins their freedom.

The Mould Game

Based on an idea from DFTFCs very own MoldCam, 10 different moulds chosen from the general public are watched around the clock as they spread their way across their food interacting with one another. The least popular mould will be incinerated as voted be the viewing public.

The Oubliette Game

A number of contestants are placed in a dungeon with no food, water, light or means of escape and the public watch to see who rots first. Seen through night vision cameras as tempers fray as the contestants play to survive. The viewers vote on who is to be eaten by the other contestants.

The Mind Game

The viewer watches a number of different inanimate objects that help them to relax and ponder on their existence. The public then vote to get rid of the least enlightening object at the conclusion of a weeks thought.

And who will it be this week...?
And who will it be this week...?

The God Game

A group of people who are strongly religious but with conflicting beliefs are all placed in the same building as in the original game; however, each contestant must set an example of their beliefs for the audience. Each week the weakest religion is evicted so the general public can truly find out which is the one true religion.

DFTFC eagerly await the arrival of this station, it can do nothing but make money. This is cheap, tabloid, brain friendly TV with sex, violence, low ethics and very little mental stimulation - perfect. Maybe one day we’ll all buy our own hidden cameras and play at being Big Brother.

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