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Chair made me do it claims defendant in court

Written by: Hungry Caterpillar Published on: 03 Mar 2000

A 28 year old man appearing in court today charged with arson sensationally claimed that his chair made him do it.

The man Thomas Maxwell is accused of burning down is place of work on the night of the 14th October 1999.

He claims that the chair described as “One of those cool swively ones”, which Maxwell used to sit on at work is alleged to have told Maxwell to burn the building down.

“It always used taunt me” Maxwell told the court. “It used to tell me I was useless, I think it was just trying to break down my will power so it could use me. The one day I was working later in the office. I had an important project to finish so I was the only person in and I was quite tired. It then told me to burn the building down. It said I could use the fire to cleanse and purify the building. I moved the chair outside, poured gasoline around the office and set fire to it.”

This isn’t the first incident of chairs forcing people to commit crimes, although it is by far the most serious. In 1997 a woman in Manchester stole a box of biros because her chair told her to and in 1995 a man hit someone on the back of the head with a rolled up newspaper whilst under instructions.

Government Minister Jack Straw spoke out on the issue. “The increase of chair related crime is a worrying trend. We urge people that they should report any chair that is abusing them no matter how small it may seem. This things can escalate quickly. Any chair reported will be given a session of counselling so that hopefully be reintegrated as a useful member of society.

The chair has been given a ten year sentence for enactment. Mr Maxwell has been committed as he’s clearly insane.

Honey Bees Start Strike Action

Written by: Hungry Caterpillar Published on: 01 Mar 2000

It was announced today that Bees from all over the country will be going on an indefinite strike commencing immediately.

The Bees, that are all “Workers” in various hive, are angry about what they describe as ‘intolerable working conditions’ and are refusing to return to work until the Queen Bee agrees to improve working conditions.

A colony of bees at a recent protest march
A colony of bees at a recent protest march

The Bees claim that they are working in conditions that are closed to slavery. The “Workers” claim they are forced to collect pollen day and night whilst the Queen simply sits around idle all day.

The Bees demands include a shorter working days, an improved pay structure as well as various health benefits and a dental plan. They also claim that they find the term “Workers” demeaning and wish to be referred to as “Pollen Engineers” in future.

The strike is expected to affect many other industries, including Honey and Candle makers. Mr James Walken from Sawyer Products a manufacturer of a bee sting cream told us that this move could be disastrous for them. “We will not be able to survive on the money we make from Wasp sting cream alone” Mr Walken told us. “The bee stings are important part of our business and the company may not survive through the summer if the bees are no longer stinging people. I think the bees are being very inconsiderate and are not fully considering the implications of there actions”.

The last time a strike like this occurred was in 1994 when the ants went on strike. They were in dispute about poor living conditions, but the strike wasquickly stopped when somebody poured boiling water over all of them.

The strike is expected to last for at least a couple of weeks as the Queens are currently refusing to enter any negotiations with the “Workers”. Unfortunately none of the bees can talk so were unable to get any comments from them.

Bluetooth, latest in wireless communication

Written by: ChilliBear Published on: 28 Feb 2000

Whenever new technology rears its head here at DFTFC, we see it as our job to treat it with an impartial and objective view; this is what the consumer needs. Unfortunately, ChilliBear got his hands on this first, so…..

Bluetooth, a name many of you may have heard about. Well basically it’s some sorta protocol for wireless communication, you know when your toaster talks to your fridge, who in turn talks to your wife, who then phones you and lets you know your toast is burnt.

So what does it mean for us then. Well for one, you know those annoying heavy mobile phone things…

or, errrch when they first became available…

You wont need to carry it around any more, using bluetooth you can simply wear this attractive tiny wrist communicator, which talks to your mobile phone. So, you just talk into the wrist communicator, saving you the hassle of talking into the phone! wow

Bluetooth wrist communicator
Bluetooth wrist communicator

And if you thought that was where it ended, how silly you were…get this, you don’t even need to type the phone number into your mobile anymore, you can enter it into the advanced digital keypad on the wrist communicator. smart

Even better still, it comes in several iMac esq. colours cool. Now I can choose to buy a brand new one (at RRP $2300) every time my mood changes. nice

So does it stand up to the rigours of everyday life then? Well I left the mobile wrist communication device with Spunk Monkey for an entire hour, and he didn’t eat it. tasty

The next thing I tried, was burying my mobile down the back of the sofa in my office, then walking outside and trying the wrist communicator. The new bluetooth technology made short work of the 5 foot !!!! distance, and I could still phone Winnie-the-Poo in the next office. It worked all the way until I reached the donut machine at the end of the hallway, an amazing 20 feet.

Well I’m sold, I have to buy one of these (well actually I intend pinching the one IBM sent us for testing), but hey thats a technicality.

And what’s next on the horizon, well the production of bluetooth devices is coming along thick and syrupy, and we can expect to see robot dogs which communicate with your real dog (via bluetooth) whilst you are out walking the robot; enabling the robot to bark realistically. Devices which let you talk to everything in your house, just imagine actually being able to talk to your favourite sofa or cushion. funky

The future is bright the future is, errr blue… shit that didn’t work. Never mind go forth and spend money.

Luxembourg Declares War on Everybody

Written by: Hungry Caterpillar Published on: 27 Feb 2000

The world is in shock tonight after Luxembourg officially declared war on every other nation on the planet.

Luxembourg is known to be a small county somewhere in Europe but nobody is entirely sure where it is.

The declaration was first made by Luxembourg ambassador to the UN, Mr H. E. Wuth. It was during a debate on world-wide distribution of cornflakes that the Mr Wuth made his announcement. He stood up and declared to all the other ambassadors, “Your all a bunch of f☣☣king wankers. We could beat the shit out of the lot of you sad pathetic losers. Come and have a go you small dicked wossess”. He then went on to imply that everyone else’s conception had involved their mothers having intermit relations with a goat. The announcement is suspected to be related to the three bottles of whisky Mr Wuth had drunk before the meeting.

The Luxembourg president Mr Spautz announced “We have always stood behind Mr Wuths decisions in this past, so we will also be standing behind this one”. We also asked Mr Spautz about what tactics he was going to use. “Well were going to start off by invading France, because everyone knows there easy. Then we hope to conquer the rest of Europe by the end of the week, Asia and Africa over the weekend and then the Americas the following week. With a bit of luck we should have complete world domination in less than two weeks.

In another DFTFC exclusive we managed to get this picture of the Luxembourg armies latest military gear.

Many political commentators have pointed out that Luxembourg’s chances are fairly slim. This can be summed up by the fact that Luxembourg has a population of 200,000 compared to a world-wide population of six billion. This means that every man, woman and child in Luxembourg is outnumbered three million to one.

“We plan to counter this numbers difference”, Said President Spautz “by taking the world in one surprise attack”. We enquired why then had he just explained his plan to us, in reply to which he pointed out that nobody actually looks at this page. Fair enough I suppose.

We enquired with the British Prime Minister Tony Blair as to what he intended to do about this problem, “We don’t intend to do anything”, replied Mr Blair. “Everyone knows the Mr Spautz is a bit of a Boris Yeltzin. I suspect that hell have forgotten all about this world domination nonsense in the morning. It happens to the best of us in this job, there have been many evenings when I have had a few drinks and very nearly invaded France.”

read the next part of this story…

Carlos Santana is the AntiChrist

Written by: Sean the Irish Bastard Published on: 25 Feb 2000

This is the shocking conclusion of an investigation commissioned last week by the truth seekers of DFTFC (obviously thisdoes not include Hoffin Bigman).

On February 19th, we contacted our American consultant, Dougie B, following an anonymous phone tip-off from a hysterical man with a Canadian accent. Our flappy-headed informant claimed to had just escaped from a sacrificial ceremony being held in the grounds of the St. Louis mansion of Carlos Santana‡, 53. The distraught man claimed he was to have been the main sacrifice, and that there were 12 “apostles” present in black robes alongside Santana himself, who was also decked out in bloodstained feathers and a goat’s skull. The line then went dead.

Dougie B sent us a fax this morning, detailing his discoveries after 5 days of tailing the popular musician. A summary ofboth Dougie’s fax and some of our own research follows below.

CARLOS S nANTANA - It’s a giveaway, really. Take out the first ‘N’ and the last ‘A’ and you get SATAN. It does ‘t end there, as the only

other well known person called Carlos is one “Carlos the Jackal”, and in The Omen, the AntiChrist Damien’s birth mother was a Jackal. Coincidence? Perhaps, but read on…

Total number of letters in Carlos Santana: 13 (same for Charles Manson, Jason Voorhees, Harold Shipman, Freddy Krueger…) - the significance of this number is well documented elsewhere, while on February 13th, Santana himself was honoured at a ceremony connected with the Grammy nominations….

  • Number of Grammys won by Santana and his band (called ‘Supernatural’ !!!) this week was 9. Turn that number upside-down, and there’s your first six.
  • 18 months ago, only a lunatic would bet on Santana ever winning another Grammy, let alone 9 at once. The second 6 is more subtly hidden. It turns out to be a bit of a puzzle: 6 #2. That is 6x2. And the ‘Supernatural’ single “Smooth” was number 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 for 12 consecutive weeks.
  • Finally, and most conclusively, In this week’s Hot 100 the single ‘Maria Maria’ is at number…6.

When Dougie B tailed Santana’s car after the Grammy award ceremony, he claims it “disappeared after turning a corner into a long, deserted street”. He said that there were no side roads or garages the car could have turned into in the time before Dougie’s cab took the corner. He says “all there was in the street was a small pack of stray dogs running away from us…” Dougie had witnessed Santana getting into the back of the car with band members Chester D. Thompson and Karl Perazzo. Further research revealed more startling”coincidences”:

Firstly, Genesis, former band of Phil Collins (himself formerly under suspicion of being the AntiChrist - bizarrely, he too won a Grammy this week for the Tarzan soundtrack) employed another Chester Thompson to play with them on tour. The ‘Supernatural’ Chester Thompson has a ‘D’ in his name (Devil? Damien? Donald?), obviously to prevent confusion with the man associated with such a biblical-sounding band. STOP PRESS: Dougie just contacted us again to let us know that the other Chester Thompson also once played in Santana’s band (in 1984). Well spooky…

Secondly, ‘Perazzo’ turns out to be Serbo-Croat for ‘Fire of Hell’.

The Bible bangs on about the AntiChrist’s exponential rise in power leading to Armageddon, and the meteoric rise of Santana over the last year or so is undeniable. With the 666 quorum in place, Judgement day could be a matter of hours away. Still, you’ve got to laugh, haven’t you?

‡ For those of you who are just dumb, Carlos is part of a rock band, that is when he isn’t working as the Prince of Evil :)

Jesus Apologises for Missing Second Coming

Written by: Hungry Caterpillar Published on: 24 Feb 2000

Jesus Christ officially apologised this morning for failing to turn up for his second coming on New Years Eve this year.

“I can only offer my most sincere apologies” said the son of God, who had been intending to come down from heaven at midnight on New Years Eve. If he had arrived at the correct time he would have lead the righteous to Heaven leaving the Earth to face the final battle between Good and Evil.

“I felt so silly”, continued Christ “ the whole thing had been part of the ineffable plan for several millennia”. “I had been meaning to descend from the skies at the stroke of midnight, but I simply lost track of time and by the time I realised it was too late”.

It has been revealed that the reason Christ inability to keep track of time was due to the Sega Dreamcast he received for Christmas. A Heaven insider told us “ He spent so much time playing Sonic Adventures that he didn’t realise that New Years had come and gone”.

A similar thing happened in the year 1000, the last time Christ was meant to make an appearance. At the time he claimed that internal disputes among the Angels had held him up causing him to be running behind schedule by about two hours. The decision was made to postpone Armageddon for another 1000 years rather than look unprofessional by running events behind time.

“The whole thing has gone beyond a joke”, Satan told DFTFC in an exclusive interview. “How am I supposed to have my time on Earth if these fools keep on postponing Armageddon. I think heads should defiantly roll somewhere in Heavens management structure for this fiasco. This has put allot of people in very awkward positions, the fourHorsemen of the Apocalypse are very upset”.

“The whole thing is so embarrassing”, said Jesus. “But I can ensure believers that I shall defiantly be on time come the year 3000”.

Well will Jesus finally return in the year 3000. We at DFTFC will be there to let you know what happens. Well obviously WE wont be there but our great-great-great-etc-grand children will be.

Yeah you guessed it the majority of this site is copyrighted to us, © 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003 all the way up to 2014 so please don't pinch it. Obviously this is all in good humour if you don't think so then you don't have "good humour". This is of course only a sarcastic sceptical FICTITIOUS (yes thats right it's not real! - It's actually made up! - Welcome to the world of satire), view on life the universe and everyone in the public light... hey it's all supposed to be good fun... honest :)